That’s what Sam Vaknin told WebMD in 1999. Vaknin is a self-confessed narcissist, and one of the few narcissists who has written books about the condition. And there’s a lot of truth to what he says here. I think he knows.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an exaggeration of a set of traits that we all have. We can all be self-obsessed. We can all be insecure. We all lie sometimes. But in narcissists, these traits are greatly enhanced.

I want to talk about two behaviors in particular—things that we all do sometimes, but that narcissists take to the extreme. This article will discuss narcissistic projection, while there’s a related post on narcissistic mirroring.

Let’s take a look at what these behaviors are, what their implications are, and the best ways you can deal with them.

Freud believed that projection was a defense mechanism – when there’s something inside of us that we don’t like or can’t handle, one way to deal with it is to project it onto someone else. We take it out to a place where it’s easier to deal with.

Related : 6 Reasons Why Narcissists Love Gaslighting You

So that’s what projection is all about. What about narcissistic projection?

What is projection in narcissism?

This defense mechanism is very common in narcissists. So common, in fact, that in a 2018 article for Cambridge University Press, he pointed to projection as one of the reasons why therapy for narcissists is so difficult – narcissists project their own insecurities onto the therapist, making the process even more difficult.

So why is narcissistic projection so common?

Well, it’s simply because narcissists often have lower self-esteem and higher self-doubt than the average person. But at the same time, they can’t face up to these fears, because that would mean challenging their inflated self-image. So when they feel something they can’t accept, they reject it in themselves and project it onto someone else – like you.

Narcissistic projection can be very confusing. It can often seem to come out of nowhere. If a narcissist accuses you of being, doing, or feeling a certain thing, and it makes you think, “Huh? Where did I get that idea?”, it’s very likely a projection.

Remember the general idea of ​​projection – when they accuse you of something they actually do. So they might be accusing you of lying or manipulating when it’s them who’s lying.

If a narcissist is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, they might be accusing you of being jealous. Or they might be accusing you of not really liking them, and we know what that means.

Let’s say you’re having a conversation about a movie you just saw. You thought it was really bad, but the narcissist thought it was absolutely great. Because you’re challenging his judgment (which is never wrong, of course), this creates a narcissistic injury—he must not be wrong.

So they start getting a little angry, and raising their voices while arguing with you. Then, out of nowhere, they say:

You’re sitting there, completely confused. You don’t really care if you have different opinions about the movie. It doesn’t bother you. You’re not upset at all, let alone angry.

Related : Things That Will Drive a Narcissist Crazy

This is projection. The narcissist has projected their anger onto you, because getting angry over a movie is not what an ideal person does. So, you must be the one who’s angry.

NarcissistsAccusingOthersOfNarcissism

Do narcissists project their narcissism onto others? It really depends on two things:

Whether they’ve heard the term “narcissistic personality disorder” or know what a narcissist is

Whether they see it as a bad thing
If they’re aware of NPD, and see it as a weakness, they can certainly accuse others of being narcissists. If they’re not aware of NPD, they may simply accuse people of having narcissistic traits—perhaps saying you’re selfish, arrogant, or talking about yourself too much.

If they don’t see narcissism as a bad thing (which many don’t—they may even see it as a positive), they’re less likely to project it onto others. Projection is a defense mechanism against threat, so if they don’t feel threatened, they have no reason to use it.

Narcissists make sure they’re the dominant person in their relationships—whether it’s in their family, in the workplace, or in romantic relationships. For this reason, projection can be a powerful weapon in their arsenal, because you may simply accept the projection.

This is the perfect scenario for a narcissist—you simply accept the projection, you’re the one who feels angry, and you move forward together by accepting it. If they go beyond simple accusations to making a conscious effort to make sure you believe them, they’ve moved from projection to manipulation.

This can make dealing with projection difficult. Even if it’s completely false, the strength of their personality puts pressure on you to accept it. So, what’s the best way to deal with projection and blame?

Projection as a Tool

First, keep in mind that projection, while it can be confusing, can actually be helpful. The narcissist gives you a window into their soul, in a sense. You get a glimpse of their true self underneath. Since the narcissist’s life is often built on lies and falsehoods, this can be a helpful insight into what’s really going on between their ears.

Related : Why Are Narcissists So Mean?

Just knowing this can really take the edge off the projection. You know it’s not really about you. They’re not really accusing you of anything they’re projecting. They’re accusing themselves. It’s their own internal war going on—and unfortunately, you’re caught in the crossfire.

Detach

As Darlene Lancer explains in Psychology Today , the next thing to consider is detachment. Don’t engage with the projection. Sure, if someone tells you you’re angry while you’re sitting there relatively content, you can say, “I’m not angry at all.” — but that’s all you need to do.

You don’t need to justify yourself, or “prove” that you’re not angry. If they keep projecting, just say, “That’s your opinion,” or “I disagree,” or “That’s not how I see it.” Don’t get sucked into the game — don’t start an argument. Just stay calm, and disagree.