Have you ever been the “new guy” in a group that you know well?
You may have initially felt like you were out of step with the group. They seemed to be on the same wavelength. They had the same humor styles. They might even speak in a similar tone of voice, or use the same mannerisms.
This is an example of natural, healthy mirroring. It’s not that a group of very similar people found each other by chance. It’s that after spending a lot of time with people, we adapt our behavior in small ways, to match the other people in the group. When people like each other, they become like each other.
It’s a natural human behavior that helps us say, “I’m in your group, and you’re in my group.” In fact, some psychologists have argued that when children don’t get this healthy mirroring from their parents, it can be a catalyst for the development of pathological narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder) in the first place.
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But when does narcissistic mirroring become a weapon for the narcissist? When does natural mirroring turn into a dark mirror?
The natural mirroring we’ve just discussed happens slowly and gradually over time. In narcissistic mirroring, the narcissist takes this process and speeds it up.
They use the words you use, claim to like the things you like, and mimic your behaviors—even if they only met you 5 seconds ago.
The idea is to feel like you’re in the company of someone you’ve known for years. It makes you feel seen, like someone really understands you. When everything you love and value is validated by someone who seems so confident and successful, it’s easy to see why people fall for narcissists.
At the same time, narcissistic mirroring isn’t about real closeness (narcissists generally tend to avoid real intimacy). It’s a ploy to make you feel comfortable with them, to gain your trust—to lower your guard.
DarkMirror
As I just mentioned, mirroring people are generally people who have known each other for a long time—people who trust each other. By using mirroring early and aggressively, narcissists build trust faster.
When you feel seen and understood, you naturally begin to open up. You reveal deep, personal things about yourself. Narcissists sometimes know how to push other people’s buttons—this is one way they learn which buttons to push.
In the end, narcissistic mirroring becomes a weapon.
When they reach the stage of the relationship where the mockery, abuse, and devaluation begin, the darker version of mirroring begins. Now the mirroring shifts from a positive reflection of the things you desire and value, to a negative reflection. So what does narcissistic mirroring look like in practice? It often starts with simple things, building a sense of commonality and interests.
You sit there thinking, “Oh my God, I have so much in common with this person!” But really, it’s a facade.
Narcissistic mirroring often involves nonverbal communication as well. Whether you lean forward, backward, or to the side, they mirror it. If you talk fast and loud, they talk fast and loud. If you talk with your hands, they do too—and it may be an exact replica of the hand gesture you just made.
Sometimes mirroring can involve bigger, more outright lies. You went to Disneyland last year? They went to Disneyland last year! You work in finance? Guess what, they used to work in finance! Your family is from Ireland? No way, their family is Irish too!
Well, let’s say you reveal your fear of becoming like your mother, someone you didn’t get along with. They’ll save that information for another day. Then at the right moment, they’ll reverse it.
In this example, they might use this insult whenever they need to feel better at your expense, or to help win an argument.
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Or they might say that you’ve revealed your insecurities about work, and you don’t feel like you’re doing a good job. Later, you hear about a higher-level job opening, and you’re thinking about applying.
In this case, the idea of you getting a promotion makes them insecure (they’re the ones who are successful, remember?), so they use your weaknesses to convince you to give it up.
Sam Vanken, who we interviewed at the beginning of this article, recommends a strategy for dealing with narcissists — mirroring the narcissist’s behavior.
In other words, you can turn the mirroring against them. If they yell, you yell. If they leave, you leave.
If they act suspicious that you’re cheating, you do the same to them. This advice pops up all over the internet, so I thought I’d address it here.
This approach may work in some situations and with some narcissists, but in general, I advise caution. Narcissists have been playing this game their entire lives, and you’re new to it. It’s a bit like challenging a chess grandmaster to a game — they simply have more experience than you do, and they have a better idea of what to do in certain situations.
Also, when narcissists feel threatened, they often respond with anger, abuse, or other bad tactics. So you’re leading the way to more of the things you’re trying to avoid.
Instead, take the steps you should take first when dealing with narcissists:
Take care of yourself: Through self-help, healthy habits, or seeing a therapist to increase your self-esteem and self-love
Set boundaries: Set clear rules for what you will and won’t accept
Leave the narcissist: If their behavior crosses your boundaries, leave the narcissist
However, with mirroring, there is one more step you can take – be a better mirror for yourself. Don’t accept comments that reflect you back, if they are inaccurate. This goes for positive comments as well as negative ones. This means making a plan to build self-esteem and inner security – know who you are, and be comfortable with that.
Related : 6 Reasons Why Narcissists Love Gaslighting You
That way, if someone mirrors you, you can make a realistic assessment of those statements. Not only in terms of whether or not they are true, but also, whether they actually matter.
So, now that you’ve learned a little about narcissistic mirroring, I hope you’re better equipped to recognize and deal with it. And if you know anyone who lives with or deals with a narcissist, feel free to share this article with them too!
