Relationships can be challenging even with the best of partners. But being in a relationship with a partner who makes you doubt yourself, control your opinions, or criticize your feelings can have a negative impact on your emotional and mental health.
When your partner is a narcissist, this behavior—also known as gaslighting—is just one of many manipulation tactics you may encounter over the course of your relationship.
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Ahead, therapists explain the signs that this narcissistic gaslight is occurring in your relationship and how to deal with it.
What is narcissistic gaslighting?
Narcissism is a pattern of behavior characterized by excessive self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a constant need for admiration and attention, and an inability to handle criticism in a healthy way. Narcissists can easily fall in love with them because they do not initially show their worst traits. Over time, narcissistic abuse can become more common. One common warning sign is frequent gaslighting.
“Gaslighting is when someone is trying to convince you that their reality is real and yours isn’t,” psychotherapist Cynthia Lafort, LCSW, tells mbg. “It can feel like it’s controlling and manipulative because it is, but it’s in the service of the person who’s lighting the gas.” It can feel like one person is always right and the other is always wrong, she adds.
A warrior needs to project his reality onto others because acknowledging that someone else could have a different experience than his own is very dangerous. They may try to “sow seeds of doubt within the victim, causing them to question their memory, cognition, and sanity,” says licensed counselor Candice Kotkin Di Carvalho, LSW, LCADC, CCS, CCTP.
Narcissistic gaslighting involves a narcissistic person using gaslighting tactics to boost their ego or feel superior to others. “Gaslighting is a way to get a narcissistic source out of someone,” Lafort explains. The narcissistic display is the attention – negative or positive – that the narcissist thrives on for validation and self-importance.
Furthermore, narcissists need their reality to be real—and real to everyone—because their sense of self is too fragile to warrant even the possibility of an experience different from their own, Lafort explains.
Narcissism in relationships
According to Kotkin-De Carvalho, pinning down narcissists in relationships is a common tactic to maintain control over their partners and create an environment of fear and confusion. Subtle tactics, such as lying, making false accusations, or withholding information, can be combined with more overt tactics, such as using intimidation or invalidating a partner’s emotions, to manipulate their partner into doing what they want.
Narcissists use gaslighting to distort or undermine their partner’s sense of reality, which may prevent them from speaking out against the narcissist’s behavior or ending the relationship altogether. It may take outside observation or repeated cycles of narcissistic gaslighting before you realize you’re on the receiving end of a narcissistic relationship style.
It may be easier to see that you are dealing with a narcissist when you are trying to break up with a narcissist. It can be very difficult to do this, because they want to play mind games or undermine your support systems well after you tell them it’s over.
7 signs of narcissistic gaslighting:
1.Denial of reality
Kotkin-De Carvalho says narcissists may tell conflicting stories or make false accusations that can cause intense distress to their partners. They may deny that something happened or pretend it never happened. It is difficult to hold narcissists accountable because they often find ways to deny events or shift blame.
2.Minimize feelings
To make matters worse, after the narcissist causes their partner to question aspects of their own life that they know to be true, the narcissist may invalidate the feelings this partner is arousing. A narcissist may tell their partner that their emotions are irrational or exaggerated. The narcissist may say things like, “You’re overreacting” or “You’re being overly sensitive” after saying things that are very hurtful, insulting, or contradictory to their partner. (Here are some other examples of gas phrases.)
If you’re in a relationship where you always feel as if you’re wrong or bad no matter what, it’s likely that this relationship isn’t healthy. But if you notice that your partner is never at fault and never takes responsibility for their actions, you are likely suffering from narcissistic gaslighting.
3.Victim blaming
A gassy person needs to be right, Lafort says, as a way to validate and maintain their narcissistic sense of self. They may blame a partner for being overly sensitive or imply that the victim actually forced them to act or communicate in negative ways. Again, narcissists do not take accountability for their actions, so partners can expect to be blamed and implicated in negative aspects of the relationship. On the other hand, the narcissist takes too much credit for the positive aspects of the relationship.
4.distortion of the truth
It’s a sign you’re suffering from narcissistic narcissism, says Lafort, “if you’re constantly holding back on someone else’s way of thinking unlike your own.” “It may be the inner struggle of having to convince yourself that someone else’s reality is right and yours is wrong. Or you may simply lag thinking that you can’t trust yourself to know what your experience is and that you need to rely on someone else to tell you.
If the narcissistic partner repeatedly says things like “You remember it wrong” or “That’s not what you said,” this may be the cause of the distortion of the truth.
5.Use of offensive language
Narcissists are not the best listeners. They were famous for dismissing their partners with hurtful language, such as “You’re crazy” or “You’re paranoid” instead of listening with a sympathetic ear.
People associated with dark personalities — sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists — may use empathy as a weapon. They may intentionally say hurtful things that they know already play on their partner’s vulnerabilities and sensitivities. Don’t expect a narcissist to reassure or validate your feelings.
6.Refrain from affection or love
The narcissist may threaten to withhold affection or love if his victim does not comply with their demands or agree with their version of events. For example, narcissistic women are said to use neglect or guilt as a form of control, not only against romantic partners but also against their children or other loved ones.
Oftentimes, narcissists target codependent people as relationship partners because they know this type of emotional manipulation is very effective in people who will do anything for their partner’s approval.
7.Isolate the victim
Narcissists love to be in control. One way to make sure they always get their way is to isolate their partner from friends and family, who may disagree with the relationship or cast doubt on the narcissist’s behaviors. It is common to see a narcissist discourage spending time with friends or family or trying to move with their partner to a new place away from people who know the couple. In this way, whenever a narcissist’s gassing occurs, it is difficult for the victim to ground themselves in a different reality than the one portrayed by the narcissist.
How to deal with narcissistic gaslighting:
“Having a strong support system is a good way to start when dealing with narcissistic gaslighting,” says Kotkin-De Carvalho. It’s important to have people around you who can help validate your feelings and provide you with reassurance that your point of view is valid. It can also help you recognize signs and patterns of gaslighting so you can spot it when it’s happening, she says. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member, or consider seeing a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse.
Set boundaries.
Although narcissists can be difficult to communicate with, one thing you must clearly cross is your own boundaries. Some people go so far as to cut off contact with the narcissist, but others may find that small milestones are important before this stage. Boundaries like keeping time with family and friends, regardless of the narcissist’s protests, are very helpful. Even being asked not to interfere with activities that matter most to you may also be limiting.
Also consider controlling manipulative tendencies on social media or with your contacts. Many people find blocking their accounts and turning off their phone’s tracking capabilities as necessary to set boundaries with a narcissist.
“If a situation becomes too stressful or dangerous, walk away from the situation and seek help from someone you trust,” says Kotkin-De Carvalho. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, remember that you are not responsible for their behavior. Remember, no one deserves emotional abuse.
