What is Hoovering in Emotional Abuse: Understanding The Dangers Of This Narcissistic Technique

Hoovering is a manipulative and psychologically damaging tactic often used by individuals with narcissistic or borderline personality traits in the context of abusive relationships. Named after the vacuum cleaner brand Hoover, it involves attempts to “suck” the victim back into the abuser’s life after a breakup or separation. In this article, we’ll explore what hoovering is, why it’s dangerous, and how to recognize and protect yourself from it.

Defining Hoovering

Hoovering is a form of emotional manipulation where the abuser tries to reestablish contact with the victim, often after a period of no contact or a breakup. The abuser employs various tactics to draw the victim back into the relationship or situation, even if it was abusive or unhealthy. These tactics can include:

1. Love Bombing: Showering the victim with affection, attention, and declarations of love to overwhelm their senses.
2. False Apologies: Pretending to be genuinely remorseful for past behavior and promising to change.
3. Gaslighting: Attempting to rewrite history or deny the abuse, making the victim doubt their own memories and perceptions.
4. Promises of Change: Pledging to work on personal issues, get therapy, or make significant improvements in the relationship.
5. Pity Plays: Presenting oneself as a victim or claiming to be struggling, appealing to the victim’s empathy.
6. Threats or Intimidation: Using intimidation tactics or threats, overt or subtle, to coerce the victim into returning.

The Dangers of Hoovering

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Hoovering can have devastating consequences for the victim:

1. Revolving Door of Abuse: It perpetuates a cycle of abuse, as the abuser often returns to their old behavior once the victim is back in the relationship.
2. Emotional Turmoil: Victims experience emotional turmoil and confusion, torn between the desire for a healthier relationship and the fear of the abuser’s manipulation.
3. Loss of Autonomy: Hoovering can make victims feel helpless and unable to break free from the abuser’s control.
4. Lowered Self-Esteem: It erodes self-esteem, making victims doubt their own worth and decision-making abilities.
5. Stress and Anxiety: The uncertainty and emotional rollercoaster of hoovering can lead to chronic stress and anxiety.

Recognizing Hoovering

To recognize hoovering, consider the following signs:

1. Sudden Reappearance: The abuser reappears in your life suddenly after a period of no contact or a breakup.
2. Overwhelming Affection: They shower you with excessive affection, attention, and promises of change.
3. Gaslighting Attempts: They try to rewrite history or deny the abuse, making you doubt your memories.
4. Manipulative Behavior: You sense manipulation, pity plays, or threats designed to pull you back into the relationship.
5. Pattern of Behavior: Hoovering is part of a recurring pattern; the abuser’s behavior improves briefly, then reverts to the abusive norm.

Protecting Yourself from Hoovering

To protect yourself from hoovering, consider these steps:

1. Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries and communicate them to the abuser, stating what behavior is unacceptable.
2. Stay Informed: Educate yourself about abusive tactics and manipulation techniques to recognize them when they occur.
3. Seek Support: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance in maintaining no contact.
4. Trust Your Instincts: Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being over the abuser’s attempts to lure you back.
5. Legal Measures: If necessary, seek legal protections such as restraining orders to maintain distance from the abuser.

Conclusion

Hoovering is a dangerous manipulation tactic used by abusers to regain control and continue the cycle of abuse. Recognizing hoovering, establishing boundaries, seeking support, and prioritizing your emotional well-being are essential steps in protecting yourself from the harmful effects of this tactic. Remember that you deserve to be in relationships that are respectful, safe, and nurturing, free from manipulation and abuse.