Golden child syndrome can occur when a designated child becomes responsible for all of the family’s successes. This child tends to be exceptional in one or more ways (beautiful, smart, athletic), and the family uses this “origin” as leverage to appear superior to the outside world.

Unfortunately, being a golden child can come at a high cost—in many cases, this child develops various psychological problems due to this excessive pressure.

In this article, I will explain what golden child syndrome is and how parental love and affection affect a child’s development.

Understanding Family Structures

All children are born with basic needs, such as food and safe sleep. But their needs extend beyond nutrition and shelter.

Research on early childhood development also shows that children need stability, consistency, love, emotional support, and positive role models to succeed.

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It is no secret that all children want to feel loved by their parents. Children want attention from a very early age and try to please their primary caregivers to earn it.

In addition, they rely on caregivers to help them build their self-esteem and confidence.

Unconditional Love vs. Conditional Love

In a healthy family structure, love is unconditional. This means that love underlies every behavior, reaction, or consequence a parent imposes. So even if a parent feels upset or disappointed with their child, it doesn’t change their love for them.

In parenting, unconditional love can mean:

Accepting your children as they are.

Respecting your children for their independence and preferences.

Wanting the best for your child no matter what.
Disciplining behavior appropriately without shaming or criticizing your child.

But in toxic family structures, love is often conditional. It’s earned based on strange, rigid rules (and those rules can often change at any moment).

As a result, children can feel confused and neglected—they don’t know what mood their caregiver will be in, so they have to engage in various guessing games to ensure their approval.

In parenting, conditional love can mean:

Expecting your child to have specific interests or preferences.
Assuming you know what’s best for your child at all times.
Nudge your child in a certain direction without involving them.

Only praising your child in public.
Feeling like you love your child only when they perform well or behave appropriately.
Feeling competitive with your child.
Criticizing, belittling, or condemning your child when they make a mistake.

According to Steven Rosen, LMFT, unconditional positive regard is another important consideration.

Unconditional positive regard means treating the other person with love and respect while also maintaining your own boundaries. As a parent, this means being attuned to your child’s desires while keeping them (and you!) safe and protected.

SecureAttachmentVs.InsecureAttachment

John Bowlby was a leading researcher and theorist in the field of attachment. He has extensively studied separation anxiety among young children and their primary caregivers.

Bowlby hypothesized that the relationship between a child and a caregiver fundamentally influences subsequent relationships later in life.

Mary Ainsworth continued to refine Bowlby’s work by studying how young children reacted to being removed from their caregivers. In her study, she asked mothers to briefly leave the room and leave their children with a stranger over the course of several short episodes.

Ainsworth found that children fell into three main categories:

Secure attachment: These children showed distress when their mothers left the room.

They did not want to play with the stranger, but were reasonably friendly around them when their mother was present. They were happy and positive when their mother returned.

Anxious attachment: These children showed high levels of distress when their mothers left the room.

They avoided the stranger and appeared to fear them. When their mother returned, they approached them but often resisted physical contact or even pushed her away.

Avoidant attachment: These children showed no signs of distress when their mothers left.

They played well with the stranger. When the mother returned, neither mother nor stranger seemed to show much enthusiasm. The mother and the stranger seemed to have an equal role in comforting the child.

Although Ainsworth did not discuss this style in her original research, Main and Solomon later introduced the disorganized attachment style, which refers to fluctuating responses to distress.

In some cases, children show obvious anxiety and a desire to be with caregivers. In other cases, children appear resistant and withdrawn.

Secure attachment comes from reliable and consistent parenting. Children need to believe that their needs will be met. They need to know that they can depend on their caregivers.

As you can see, this “trust” emerges over the early years—while some research suggests that attachment styles can change over time, the work can be tedious and difficult.

NarcissisticParents

One or more narcissistic parents can create a toxic narcissistic family system. The narcissistic parent uses their children to feed their narcissistic supply. In other words, children are expected to give up their personal identities in order to meet the narcissist’s needs.

The family is committed to many unspoken roles, including:

The need to conform to the narcissist’s rules, no matter how volatile.

Feeling pressured to take a stand on every opinion.

Blaming someone else (or something else) for problems.

Avoiding any feelings (the narcissist is allowed to have emotional needs only).

Competing with each other for love and attention.

Denying abuse or dysfunction.

In these families, children are rarely allowed to explore their own needs and identities. Instead, they spend most of their time trying to appease the narcissist. As a result, they often feel an all-encompassing sense of shame, helplessness, confusion, and anger—even if they can’t easily identify these feelings.

Narcissists claim to love their children, but their love is conditional, distorted, and rooted in your ability to conform to their preferences.

Most parents want to see their children thrive and flourish. In fact, wanting to see your child succeed is a natural parenting desire. Furthermore, even good parents sometimes have unrealistic expectations for their children.

But good child syndrome can occur when a child continually reinforces their parents’ desires for them.

These children don’t just want to please their parents—they feel obligated and responsible for doing so. It becomes an important part of their identity, which means it affects their overall development.

In narcissistic families, the good child is an extension of the narcissist.

They mimic their parents’ perfection—the parent can proudly show off this child and say, Look how great I am! Look how great my child is!

What Are the Symptoms of Golden Child Syndrome?

So what is golden child syndrome? A healthy child typically wants to succeed and please their parents.

Golden children take it to a higher level. They may appear as anxious children early in life. Likewise, they experience intense anxiety and guilt when they fail to meet certain expectations.

As the golden child grows, they often appear to be the perfect, well-behaved, and mature person. They appear “perfect” to the outside world, and other family members or friends may praise the parents accordingly.

Some other signs of golden child syndrome include:

Excessive efforts to please or appease parents.
Strive to get the best grades in school and often study late at night or panic about test scores.
Commit to being the best athlete and dedicating hours to exercise.
Having only meaningful and productive hobbies.
Help with raising other children in the home.
Doing most of the household chores, even if the skills are inappropriate for the age.
Getting a job early and contributing most of his or her salary to the family.
Avoiding any rebellious or spontaneous behavior to avoid hurting his or her parents.
Constantly covering up or lying about a parent’s behavior.

What are the effects of golden child syndrome later in life?

Golden children may face many challenges as they grow up. Their “need to please others” often extends into their adult years.

Low self-esteem

A golden child’s self-esteem will fluctuate based on their external accomplishments.

They often feel that they must perform well to earn approval and love. However, they often report feeling empty. They also feel that they have no identity outside of their accomplishments.

Relationship problems

A golden child may have difficulty connecting with others, especially if they have insecure relationships with caregivers.

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Sometimes, they may become overly clingy to others, wanting the love they never had growing up. In other cases, they may be isolated, withdrawn, and detached—they don’t trust others to meet their needs.

Compulsive work tendencies

If a golden child excels in school, they may continue on this path in the workplace.

They may spend long hours at the office, climbing the corporate ladder, and trying to become as successful as possible.

Others are likely to reinforce their efforts (You have a great work ethic! You excel at it! You’re a great boss!), which may mimic the same praise they heard as children.

Escape Behaviors

Many golden children turn to drugs, gambling, alcohol, or food to cope with all the stress.

They can often hide these behaviors—they may appear to the outside world as high-functioning while internally suffering.

Other times, the addiction is obvious, and others can’t understand “what happened.”

Indecision

Golden children rely on what their parents or society expects of them.

According to Cynthia Hallo, founder of Personality Max, “As a child grows older, they begin to feel empty and unable to meet the expectations of others.

Because they are so anxious about meeting their parents’ expectations, they often have difficulty making decisions that should be simple.”

Desire for Constant Attention

Because a golden child received so much validation as a child, they are accustomed to people fawning over them.

It can be upsetting and destructive when they don’t have others to constantly praise them.

As a result, some golden children will act out in ways that help them save themselves. Or they may continue to work hard and achieve great things in order to receive more praise.

Resistant/Fighter to Feedback

Kimberly Perlin, LCSW, acknowledges that golden children have “high expectations that their loved ones will give unconditional approval and attention.

They have little experience dealing with negative feedback or disagreement.” Therefore, these individuals may struggle greatly with constructive criticism or any other manifestation of failure as adults.

What is a Scapegoat Child?

Dysfunctional child care systems often use scapegoat children to mask family problems.

Anyone can become a scapegoat, but likely candidates are children with developmental delays, behavioral issues, academic concerns, or health problems.

In other words, these children may have a “strike against them,” but the family exaggerates the issue to convince themselves (and others) that they are the main problem.

In a narcissistic family, scapegoating is used to absolve the narcissist of his or her erratic and abusive behavior. Instead of looking inward, the narcissist blames the scapegoat child for causing so much of the turmoil.

Scapegoats may have an advantage over golden children. They are used to being ostracized and shamed.

They are used to feeling like they are constantly letting others down. As a result, they may be more assertive and resilient—in many cases, unafraid to strike back or highlight their family’s dysfunction to others.

The scapegoat doesn’t have to be another child. In some cases, it’s the narcissist’s spouse or a relative.

Can a Golden Child Become a Scapegoat (or Vice Versa?)

While some family roles may seem particularly rigid, these roles can change to meet the needs of the unhealthy parent.

In some cases, a golden child can become a scapegoat when he or she rebels against his or her role or can no longer adapt to the constraints of his or her role.

For example, suppose a star athlete is injured and can no longer play sports.

He or she becomes depressed and doesn’t want to spend time with his or her family or friends. His or her grades also drop.

In a healthy family system, parents are likely to try to comfort their child and help him get the support he needs. They will empathize with his struggles and try to help him deal with this transition.

Parents in a more dysfunctional family may become angry with their child.

They may blame him for overreacting and insist that he is “getting over it.” They may even accuse him of intentionally causing the injury or worsening the symptoms. But instead of validating his feelings, they will shame him for having them.

In another case, a golden child may begin to feel angry toward her parents during her teenage years. She no longer wants to be the “good girl.”

She begins spending more time with her friends and starts dating someone behind her family’s back. She experiments with alcohol and drugs. In a healthy family system, parents are likely to identify these changes as normal development in adolescence.

They may try to connect more with their daughter or suggest family counseling. However, they will continue to set boundaries to avoid enabling problematic behaviors.

In a dysfunctional family, parents begin to criticize their daughter. They may become explosive and volatile—they may call her names and try to belittle her choices. They will assume that the daughter is deliberately trying to “punish” them rather than considering her desire for independence.

Sometimes, the scapegoat can quickly turn into the golden child. This can happen when others begin to notice the scapegoat’s positive qualities.

For example, if several teachers or coaches begin to praise the scapegoat’s talents, parents may suddenly see through and change their attitude.

Or if another child replaces the scapegoat, the scapegoat may graduate to the role of the golden child.

What is Only Child Syndrome?

Only children tend to have a negative stereotype. They are often seen as bossy, selfish, and socially awkward. The hypothesis is that if parents spend all their time and resources on one child, it can have disastrous consequences for that child’s development.

Research shows that these claims are greatly exaggerated. Most only children are well-adjusted and exhibit temperaments similar to children with siblings.

However, being an only child can be unhelpful in dysfunctional family systems.

If a parent forces them to play the role of golden child or scapegoat, there will be little or no support for that child. They have no siblings to act as a buffer or confidant for their pain.

Likewise, they have no one their own age to validate their experience—in their adult years, they won’t have that sibling who can understand what home life was really like.

Does the Golden Child Become a Narcissist?

According to Rich Heller, MSW, CPC, ELI MP, “The clear effect of the golden child syndrome is that the golden child first becomes a narcissist.”

Think of it this way: The narcissist is essentially grooming the golden child to become their clone.

The golden child represents everything that is “perfect” within the narcissist’s illusion. So, this child grows up witnessing dysfunction in their family, and may unknowingly repeat the same patterns.

Heller continues, “If they don’t become narcissists, they become emotionally crippled to the point where they have difficulty truly connecting and empathizing with others.

They will also be necessarily disconnected from the parent who wasn’t a narcissist, as that parent tends to bear the brunt of the blame for everything that went wrong in the narcissist’s life.

By disconnecting from the other parent, they disconnect from a part of themselves. As a result, they have a persistent resentment toward an aspect of themselves.”

What is a Narcissistic Golden Child?

The narcissistic golden child often becomes a narcissist in response to their upbringing.

In classic narcissism, the golden child simply becomes selfish and manipulative. They exploit others to get their needs met and constantly brag about themselves.

Sometimes, the golden child becomes a covert narcissist. They may appear insecure or submissive, but they are still selfish and somewhat out of touch with reality.

A golden child who becomes a covert narcissist may exhibit symptoms such as:

Passive aggression, especially when confronted or given feedback.

Constant anger toward their parents (with an inability to recognize similarities in their behavior).

Constant self-criticism.

All-out feelings of emptiness or depression.

Intense jealousy of others they perceive as superior.

Cognitive empathy and compassion directed toward their own self-gain.

In almost all cases, the golden child narcissist will not realize that their family system is flawed. They may speak fondly of their parents and mention that their upbringing was happy and loving.

How to Recover from Golden Child Syndrome?

Recovering from Golden Child Syndrome is difficult. You’ve spent your entire life measuring your worth by your accomplishments and talents. Learning how to let go of that identity can be vulnerable and scary. Here are some steps to consider.

Accepting the Narcissist

It’s reasonable to hope that a narcissist will accept themselves and understand how damaging their behavior can be.

Related : Are Narcissists Happy With Themselves?

But this is largely unrealistic. Most narcissists are stuck in their ways and have little motivation to change.

Acceptance means recognizing that people are the way they are. It means letting go of the need to control their behavior.

Of course, this shift takes time and preparation—you won’t get to this place of acceptance overnight. But accepting the narcissist’s personality will help you become less reactive to them.

Seek Therapy

Therapy can help you work through remaining golden child symptoms like anxiety, perfectionism, and the need to control. It can also help you untangle some of the complicated feelings you may have about your past.

If you’re in a committed relationship, you may want to consider couples therapy. Even if you don’t realize it, it can negatively impact the dynamic between you and your spouse.

Practice Saying No

Many golden children become people-pleasers in their adult lives. They don’t want to let others down. So, they obey and say yes to every task, even when it’s unreasonable or stressful.

You can start setting boundaries for yourself by saying no to requests that no longer serve your best interests. At first, it may feel uncomfortable to say no.

But according to Billy Roberts, LISW-S, “The best way to recover from golden child syndrome is to learn to start saying no. Say it, sing it, buy the shirt.

Saying no builds the skill of acknowledging and standing up for your needs. Learning what you want to say no to and finding ways to do it is a small step toward reclaiming your identity.”

You may feel guilty. But remember that you need to prioritize your well-being. Doing so frees up your energy to say yes when it really matters.

TryNewThings (You Might Fail)

Exposing yourself to newness and risk can help you overcome perfectionist tendencies. You need to become comfortable with failure—it shouldn’t be a terrifying fear.

Sign up for a class you don’t have experience with. Allow yourself to ask for help, even if you feel weak. Commit to trying new things that require you to be humble.

Prove Your Worth More

Recognize that your worth doesn’t come solely from external success. You have innate worth, and it’s important to honor that.

You might start by practicing positive affirmations like:

I am worthy and lovable.

Everyone makes mistakes, and I can learn from mine.

I trust that I’m growing and learning.

I am good enough.

I am allowed to be kind to myself.

Practice sitting with uncomfortable feelings

If you keep doing, doing, doing, it’s often coming from a place where you simply don’t know how to feel your feelings.

This pattern makes sense—you grew up being supported to do this. You’ve likely been sent messages about feeling weak or something to avoid altogether.

If your golden child tendencies persist, it’s time to consider incorporating more mindfulness into your life.

Don’t turn to work or another task the next time you feel anxious. Instead, try to breathe and identify your feelings. Label them. Make space for them. The next time you feel sad, don’t bury yourself in performance. Just allow yourself to be sad.

Adopting this mindset will take time. You may have to remind yourself often that your feelings are valid and don’t change your worth.

Final Thoughts on Golden Child Syndrome

It may seem easier for golden children, especially when compared to their role as scapegoat. But the pressure, constant attention, and high expectations often cause immense pain.

Many golden children struggle with feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and anything less than perfection often feels like a complete failure.

Learning to break free from this mindset takes time. But if you identify as a golden child, remember that you have the power to reclaim your life.

You no longer have to prove your worth to anyone. You are valid and lovable—just the way you are.