“I never said that! What are you talking about?”

“You’re imagining things!”

“You keep forgetting things. I’m worried about you.”

These are examples of gaslighting. It’s a manipulation technique where the gaslighter tries to make the victim question their own senses, perceptions, and memory.

Gaslighting is not unknown to narcissists and they use it to keep you under their influence.

What is gaslighting in narcissism? How does a narcissist use gaslighting to control and manipulate you?

What is gaslighting?

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Gaslighting, most famously adapted for the 1944 Oscar-winning film Ingrid Bergman.

Related : Things Narcissists Do at the End of a Relationship

In the play, Gregory (the gaslighter) searches for jewels in the attic. But when he turns on the gaslights there, it causes the other lights in the house to dim.

His wife Paula (the victim) asks him about this, and to cover his tracks, he simply tells her that the lights aren’t dimmed. They’ve never been dimmed. She must be imagining it.

To cover up his actions, he really needs to make her think she’s losing her senses. So he starts playing tricks, like hiding or moving things, and pretending that Paula took them.

He even convinces Paula that her mother is psychotic and has been committed to a mental institution.

Eventually, Paula buys the trick and begins to truly believe that she is losing her mind. Gregory then takes complete control of her and can continue his criminal activities.

The trick makes victims feel like the ground is shifting beneath their feet, like they have no anchor in the real world to know what is true or not.

It puts the victim under the influence of the trick, leaving them at his mercy.

Since people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have a tendency to lie, and a strong need to control others, it is perhaps not surprising that the trick is a favorite tactic of narcissists.

In this article, we will discuss what the trick is in narcissism, why narcissists use it, and how you can combat it.

2 Examples of the trick

We are not talking about simple lies here.

Example 1

Let’s say your narcissistic husband is cheating on you, and the other woman has black hair. You are blonde, and one day you find a long black hair on the couch. None of your friends have black hair, so you ask your husband about it.

This isn’t manipulation. It’s just a simple old-fashioned lie. Now take this example.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is narcissistic manipulation. Notice how subtle it is? Who hasn’t forgotten a conversation at some point? It could have easily happened that way.

Related : Things Narcissists Say in the Beginning

But the narcissist makes your supposed forgetfulness a “thing.” If you accept this, he’s started to drive a wedge into your sense of self-confidence.

Now he can use the same tactic again in the future, using this incident as proof that he’s right.

Example 2

But not all manipulation is this subtle. Here’s another, more extreme example of how the conversation goes. So again, you find the hair…

You leave it, but it haunts your mind, so you bring it back a few days later.

This is the most extreme manipulation. You saw something with your own eyes, plain as day. But the narcissist is in complete denial about it.

MindManipulation and Lying

You may think that this won’t work, that you won’t question something you’ve already seen.

But it can happen. Especially when the person doing the mind manipulation is a powerful, controlling figure in your life (which narcissists often do), and has already lied to you and manipulated you in other ways (which narcissists often do).

However, gaslighting in narcissism can get more subtle than this. These examples are reactive – gaslighters use this technique to get themselves out of a tight spot.

But it can also be proactive – to make you question your reality even when they don’t have a tough situation to get out of. The logic here is simple – take control now, in case that control is needed in the future.

The movie Gaslight has several classic examples of this. In one scene, Gregory moves a painting off the wall, and confronts Paula to ask her why she moved it.

She says, correctly, that she didn’t move it. But Gregory is able to convince her that she did, causing her much distress and confusion.

As a general rule, psychological manipulation is:

When someone tries to convince you that something happened, but it didn’t (“You keep leaving the door open!”)

When someone tries to convince you that something didn’t happen, but it did (“I never called you a ‘worthless idiot’! Why do you always lie like that?”)

Is psychological manipulation a form of narcissism?

Psychological manipulation is not unique to narcissists. It is not a feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in the same way that things like narcissistic injury or narcissistic rage are.

However, because it is such an effective (if insidious) form of manipulation, it is often seen in people who possess the so-called “dark triad” of personality traits – psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism.

Related : Things Narcissists do When They’re Jealous of You

For this reason, gaslighting is a common tactic in cults – it is used to break the victim’s sense of reality so that the cult leader can gain more control over the group.

Of course, with some exceptions, cult leaders typically exhibit one or more of the dark triad traits.

So, if gaslighting is used consistently and intentionally, it will be a big red flag that the individual possesses one of these traits. This is especially true if the goal of the gaslighting is to control others.

However, this does not mean that only people with these traits use gaslighting. People who do not suffer from these conditions may also use gaslighting for a variety of reasons.

They may have something to hide (perhaps they were caught in a lie and see no other way out), or they are trying to change something about you. However, it is still a form of emotional abuse, regardless of who uses it or why.

What is narcissistic manipulation?

So, while manipulation is not a form of narcissism, there is something unique about narcissism and manipulation.

Due to the nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, narcissists often find themselves in situations where manipulation is beneficial to them—and they often have no qualms about using it.

Narcissism and Manipulation

Let’s review the basic characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and then we can see how manipulation fits into this:

Narcissists believe they are “everything.” They have an inflated sense of their own importance and have little time or interest in things that don’t benefit them in some way.

But in reality, narcissists are actually fragile. They have deep-seated fears that they are actually worthless, and that their grandiose exterior is a way to cover up these fears.

Because of this low sense of self-esteem, narcissists have to work hard to get attention and praise from others. They can’t “create” their self-esteem—they have to get it from others (narcissistic supply).

If they don’t get enough praise and attention, the insecure self behind it can become more apparent. For narcissists, this is very painful (narcissistic injury) and shouldn’t happen. They have to be superior to others. They have to avoid facing the real self behind it.

Because many narcissists also lack empathy, they are restricted in the types of things they can do to get this sense of superiority, this narcissistic supply. This includes lying and abusive behavior.

Given this psychological framework, we can begin to understand why psychological manipulation is so common among narcissists. Here are some possibilities:

SelfManipulationToCoverLies

What will a narcissist do if you catch them lying? They are unlikely to admit it and apologize (perfect people don’t make mistakes). So what’s the move here?

Well, they have several options. They can cover up the lie with another lie. They can distract from the problem with anger and abuse.

Or they can simply deny that they lied in the first place. If they can convince you of this and do it consistently, they will be much more free to lie, because they have an easy way to get away with it. This gives them a more reliable source of narcissistic supply.

Manipulation_of_Emotions_for_Control

When you think about the above framework, you can imagine how important control is to a narcissist.

You can’t let the people in your life roam free, doing and saying whatever they want.

If you let them, they may not give you enough. Or worse, they may say something that will lead to narcissistic injury.

Related : 7 Reasons Why Narcissists Ignore You

Manipulation is one of the many techniques a narcissist can use to gain control.

If you rely on a narcissist for something as basic as knowing what’s right and what’s wrong, they can do whatever they want.

If they want to make themselves feel better by putting you down, they can. If you challenge that later, they can simply deny that they said it.

Furthermore, the fact that they are in control is a source of supply in itself, because they are in a powerful and dominant position in the relationship, and you are not.

Manipulation_of_Emotions_to_Cover_Emotional_Abuse

Narcissists are often abusive. In rare cases, the abuse is an end in itself.

This mainly occurs in people who suffer from “malignant narcissism,” which is a kind of cross between narcissism and psychopathy.

These people enjoy seeing others suffer, so emotional manipulation may just be a fun game for them.

But as I said, this is rare. Most often, narcissists are abusive as a result of narcissistic injury, which leads to an outburst of anger commonly known as narcissistic rage.

In these cases, narcissists may use psychological manipulation to cover up the (emotional) abuse, make you believe it didn’t happen, or exaggerate the extent or circumstances of the abuse.

In fact, a 2003 study found a strong association between psychological manipulation and a range of other forms of abuse.

Psychological manipulation rarely happens on its own, and for many people, denying the abuse can be as bad or worse than the actual abuse itself.

How do you know if someone is manipulating you?

Psychological manipulation can happen in any relationship—it can happen through a romantic partner, a friend, a coworker or boss, a family member, or any situation where you interact with an individual on a regular basis.

Because of the nature of emotional manipulation, you may not even realize that something is happening to you.

It may be worse than that, because you may actually see the person who assaulted you as the person who can help you.

If you truly believe you’re losing your senses, but there’s someone you trust on hand to help you figure out what’s true and what’s not, it’s natural to see them as your guiding light in a difficult time.

But what you may not realize is that they’re the ones causing your confusion in the first place.

Here are some warning signs to look out for, which could mean someone is deceiving you:

They tell you something is true, but it contradicts something you saw, heard, or experienced firsthand. For example, they deny that they said something you remember.

They tell you that something happened that you have no memory of or evidence of. For example, they claim that you said something you don’t remember saying.

If you question their version of the truth, they react negatively

They bring it up repeatedly and try to bully you into accepting that they’re right

Their narrative of events always puts them in an innocent or positive position, with you being the one to blame.

They mix praise with abuse – when you accept that they are right, they shower you with affection and kind words (this is to reinforce the behavior). When you don’t, they turn into the bad guy.

Related : How Do You Know a Narcissist is Lying?

They accuse you of doing things that they actually did (or that you suspect they did). For example, if you catch a romantic partner cheating on you, they claim that you are the one cheating.

They turn people against you. They use triangulation, bringing a third person into your relationship (literally or figuratively) “Your sister knows I would never say something like that to you. She would never accuse me of it.”

In addition to looking at the behavior of the person who is cheating on you, look at yourself as well. If you are being psychologically manipulated, you may…

Feel different, like you are not the same person you were before

Find yourself questioning your memory

Feel like you are always doing things wrong, and that you are always responsible for something

Make excuses for objectively abusive behavior (whether it is emotional, physical or sexual abuse).

Become isolated from people you trust, such as close friends and family members. The person using psychological manipulation may have played a role in or encouraged your withdrawal

Constantly doubt yourself and have difficulty making decisions

Experience emotional disturbances, such as feelings of hopelessness, depression and anxiety

How to Respond to Narcissistic Deception?

Now that you know what deception is, and how to know if someone is deceiving you, the next question is, how do you deal with someone who is deceiving you?

Arielle Lev, author and columnist for the Guardian, has some powerful suggestions for how to deal with deception, which she explains in her TED talk.

These suggestions are based on Lev’s experiences with her own mother, who she says was emotionally abusive, and who engaged in deception repeatedly – ​​often to deny that the abuse ever happened.

Here’s what Lev recommends:

Stay defiant

Deceivers often use bullying and intimidation to try to impose their version of reality on you, through the sheer force of their personality.

Remember a time when you were deceived. You’ll remember that there was a time when you knew the truth.

And then there was a moment after that when you weren’t so sure. However, there was a third moment – ​​a transition between these two states.

It started with one moment, one second of doubt where I started to entertain their version of the truth.

For most normal, rational people, this is a healthy reaction when someone disagrees with us.

To get along with others, we use our empathy, and see things from their perspective. Only then can we decide whether we truly agree or not.

But with manipulation, there is no need to see their point of view. This is not a debate.

There will be no presentation of evidence, no arguments for or against. Remain defiant – what you know to be true, is true.

Don’t seek accountability

Narcissists are extremely unlikely to admit to their actions, or have a moment of revelation when you confront them about them.

You won’t listen

When Liv first used the term “child abuse” with her mother, the typical response was “What about mother abuse? No one ever talks about that!”

Confrontation can lead to more abuse, and give them more ammunition to use against you. The time and energy you spend seeking accountability would be better spent elsewhere.

Get Rid of the Need for Things to Be Different

If you want things to be different in your relationship with a narcissist, you’re playing into the manipulator’s hands.

Making the kind of change you want requires them to see that they’re abusing you, accept it, and then change.

This is likely a false hope when dealing with narcissists, because it means confronting a massive narcissistic injury. Hoping that things will be different will only keep you in the relationship longer than you need to.

If you’re being manipulated, you’re being abused—this isn’t a situation you should try to change, it’s a situation you should try to get away from. Detach, put yourself first.

Develop Healthy Coping Techniques

In her talk, Liv discusses an unhealthy coping strategy she developed to deal with her mother’s abuse—detachment.

The constant push and pull, “I love you” one minute, “I hate you” the next, caused her to detach, and in a sense, “numb” her.

This may have helped her deal with the pain in the moment, but it caused problems later on – she had trouble trusting or connecting with people in her adult life, for example.

Be wary of coping measures that help you feel better in the moment but make things worse later in life: alcohol or drug abuse, self-harm, smoking, denial, overeating, and social isolation.

Instead, focus on healthy coping techniques: meditation, breathing techniques, exercise, social interaction (with people you trust), and therapy.

KeepAJournal

Liv also says that writing things down has been very helpful for her. She calls it “testifying.”

You can think of your journal as a witness in a court case, someone who saw what happened and can remind you.

This can make it easier to distinguish between the false reality of the gas and the real reality.

It can also be helpful to talk about your feelings and emotions in a journal.

This is called “expressive writing,” and it’s a common technique used in therapy for people who have experienced traumatic events.

So your journal serves two purposes—it helps you keep track of reality, and it’s also a healthy way to cope.

Have you had any experience with psychological manipulation at the hands of narcissists? Are you a victim of psychological manipulation? If so, let me know in the comments below!