Do you know what emotional incest is? This term may seem strange, but it refers to a type of relationship dynamic that can have profound effects on the individuals involved.

How many times have we heard someone say: “I’m my mother’s friend” or “My father and I share everything”? While these statements may seem harmless, even praiseworthy, they can sometimes refer to a lesser-known and misunderstood psychological phenomenon – emotional incest or emotional incest syndrome.

Let’s explore this often-overlooked aspect of human relationships and discover the signs of emotional incest, the effects of emotional incest, and whether recovery from emotional incest is possible.

What is emotional incest?

Emotional incest, also known as entanglement, covert incest, or psychological incest, is a term used to describe a dynamic relationship between a parent and child that becomes overly entangled, crosses emotional boundaries and blurs the lines between parental and romantic roles.

So what is emotional incest? In short, emotional incest occurs when a parent looks to their child for emotional support that would normally be provided by another adult.

In the case of emotional incest, a parent may rely on their child for emotional support, companionship, or validation, which should be sought from peers or adult partners. This relationship may seem like a close bond, but it blurs the boundaries between parent and child in unhealthy ways.

Exposing emotional incest syndrome

So, what is emotional incest syndrome?

Emotional incest syndrome is the term used to describe the long-term effects of emotional incest on an individual. It is not a recognized psychiatric diagnosis, but a concept coined by therapists to help explain the complex emotional and psychological impact of this type of relationship dynamic.

It refers to the set of symptoms or behavioral patterns that a person may develop as a result of being in an emotionally incestuous relationship. This may include chronic anxiety, guilt, feelings of suffocation, and difficulties forming healthy romantic relationships.

For example, a person who grew up as his or her parents’ primary confidant may feel responsible for others’ feelings and needs. They may suppress their wants and needs, feeling as if they are secondary or even unimportant.

Signs of emotional incest

Emotional incest is a complex and often subtle phenomenon that can be difficult to define. However, recognizing the signs is critical to understanding and addressing this harmful dynamic.

Here are some common signs of emotional incest that will help us understand better what emotional incest is –

Excessive emotional dependence
One of the main signs of emotional incest is when a parent becomes overly dependent on their child for emotional support, companionship, or validation.

The parent may share intimate details about his life, fears, and problems with the child, treating him as a surrogate partner.

Unclear boundaries
Emotional incest often involves blurred boundaries between parent and child. There may be an absence of age-appropriate limits, such as –

Violation of child privacy

Expect exclusive emotional access to their thoughts and feelings
Dependence on the child to meet the parents’ emotional needs

Emotional entanglement
Emotional entanglement occurs when parents and children become overly entangled, with the child feeling responsible for the parents’ emotional well-being.

The child may feel a sense of obligation to meet the parents’ emotional needs, sacrificing his or her independence and individuality.

Role reversal
In emotionally incestuous relationships, traditional parent-child roles may be reversed. The child may be expected to provide emotional guidance, support or advice to a parent, taking on a role more appropriate to a peer or partner.

Compromised identity
The child’s sense of self is intertwined with the parents’ identity, needs, and emotions. They may find it difficult to distinguish between their own desires and emotions and their parents’ desires and emotions.
Lack of autonomy
Emotional incest can hinder a child’s ability to develop independence and independence. The child may have difficulty establishing his or her own identity and making decisions without obtaining approval or validation from the parents.

They may feel a constant need to please parents at the expense of their own wants and needs.

Dependency
The parent is overly dependent on the child for emotional support, companionship, or decision-making, to the point that this interferes with the child’s needs and development.
Emotional manipulation
Emotional incest often involves emotional manipulation by parents. They may use guilt, emotional coercion, or dependence on the child to maintain control and meet their emotional needs.

The child may feel guilty for wanting independence, spending time with peers, or not meeting the emotional needs of the parents. The child may feel trapped or forced to meet the parents’ emotional demands.

Inappropriate jealousy
In emotionally incestuous relationships, the parent may show jealousy or possessiveness toward the child’s other relationships. They may feel threatened when a child forms close bonds with peers or romantic partners, as this challenges their exclusive romantic relationship.
Stunted emotional development
The child may not be allowed to express negative emotions, especially if they are related to his or her parents, and may feel responsible for the parent’s emotional state.

Emotional confusion
Children who have experienced emotional incest often have difficulty understanding healthy emotional boundaries. They may find it difficult to distinguish between love and care and romantic or sexual feelings.

This confusion can affect their ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

Isolation
The parent may discourage or disrupt the child’s friendships or relationships, and want the child exclusively for themselves. This is one of the most common signs of emotional incest.
Fear of abandonment
Because the role of the child is so essential to the parents’ emotional well-being, any sign of separation or independence may be met with threats, anger, or other manipulation, leaving the child constantly fearful of being abandoned.
Impact on well-being
Emotional incest can have significant detrimental effects on an individual’s emotional health. It may lead to feelings of guilt, shame, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or difficulties establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing emotional incest and seeking appropriate support.

Examples of emotional incest

To really understand, let’s dive into some real-life scenarios and examples of emotional incest that answer the question: What is emotional incest?

Those close to the parents
A parent who constantly shares his or her innermost thoughts, fears, and personal problems with his or her child, seeking the support and guidance typically expected from a partner or friend.

The mother shares intimate details about her marital problems with her son, making him feel like he has to “step up” and be the man of the house.

Role reversal
The father, feeling lonely and isolated, begins to depend on his daughter for companionship, making her feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends or pursue her own interests. This is one of the most practical examples of emotional incest.
Emotional alternative
A parent who relies heavily on their child for emotional fulfillment and companionship, treating them as a substitute partner, rather than allowing them to develop their independence and individuality.
Over-reliance
A parent constantly relies on their child for emotional support, leaving the child feeling overwhelmed and unable to focus on their own life.
Emotional manipulation
A parent who uses emotional guilt, coercion, or dependence on their child to meet their emotional needs, often creates a feeling of obligation or responsibility in the child. This is one of the most common examples of emotional incest.
Inappropriate boundaries
A parent who invades his or her child’s privacy and expects exclusive emotional access to his or her thoughts, feelings, and experiences, ignoring the child’s need for personal space and independence.

Effects of emotional incest

The ripples resulting from emotional incest can last a lifetime. Emotional incest can have a profound impact on individuals, manifesting in different ways throughout their lives. Some common effects include:

Emotional confusion
Children who experience emotional incest may have difficulty understanding healthy emotional boundaries, leading to confusion and difficulty forming healthy relationships in adulthood.
Prohibited independence
Emotional incest can hinder a child’s development of autonomy and independence, as he or she becomes overly dependent on his or her parents for emotional validation and decision-making.
Low self-esteem
Growing up in an environment where one’s needs are constantly put second can lead to feelings of low self-esteem.

When a child is placed in the role of a surrogate partner, he or she may develop a distorted sense of self-worth, believing that his or her value lies solely in meeting the emotional needs of his or her parents.

This is one of the most dangerous effects of emotional incest.

Relationship difficulties
Adults who have experienced emotional incest may find it difficult to establish and maintain healthy romantic relationships, and often feel suffocated or exhausted by emotional intimacy.

They often struggle to set boundaries in adult romantic relationships. They may feel trapped in codependent relationships or may avoid intimacy altogether for fear of suffocation.

Boundary issues
Individuals who have experienced emotional incest may have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries, often oscillating between being overly involved or too distant in their relationships.
Emotional imbalance
Emotional incest can lead to difficulties in managing emotions, as individuals may have internalized unresolved emotional issues in their parents.

This can make them vulnerable to chronic anxiety, depression, guilt or other psychological disorders.

Difficulty in making decisions
Since they are always being told what to feel or think, they may have difficulty making decisions on their own.

Now you’re probably thinking: What is emotional incest doing to our society? It erodes the mental health of many. It is essential to recognize and address the effects of emotional incest and promote healthier, more balanced relationships.

How to heal from emotional incest

Healing from emotional incest is a journey that often requires time, patience, and self-awareness. It’s important to recognize the signs and then actively work to create healthy boundaries and self-perceptions.

Here are some steps to consider to heal from emotional incest –

Acknowledge the problem
Acknowledging and admitting that you have experienced emotional incest is the first step. It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about understanding the dynamics that affected your development.
Seek professional help
A therapist or counselor who is familiar with emotional incest or family dynamics can offer insights, coping mechanisms, and strategies for healing. This is the way to heal from emotional incest.

Set boundaries
Learning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries is crucial. This may mean limiting contact with the parent(s) in question or clearly communicating your needs and boundaries to them.
Educate yourself
Understanding the nature of emotional incest can help you on your healing journey. Reading books or articles, attending workshops, or joining support groups can be helpful.
Develop a support system
Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or support groups who understand your experience. They can provide validation, understanding, guidance, and perspective.
Prioritize self-care
Engaging in activities that promote self-awareness and well-being, such as meditation, journaling, or physical exercise, can be therapeutic. They can help you reconnect with yourself. This is probably the best advice on how to heal from emotional incest.
Reclaim your identity
Spend some time discovering who you are outside of the tangled relationship. Explore your interests, passions, and desires without the controlling influence of a parent.
Practice assertiveness
Because emotional incest may make it difficult for you to express your needs and desires, practice being assertive in both small and large matters.
Work on intimacy issues
Emotional incest can affect your romantic relationships. Be aware of any fears or concerns about intimacy and work to build healthy relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. This is vital when learning how to heal from emotional incest.
Forgive and set free
Healing may also include forgiving the parents, not for their sake, but for peace of mind. This does not mean condoning their actions, but rather releasing a heavy burden of resentment.