You know that awkward moment when you’re listening to a podcast about a brutal murder and think, “Damn, some of this early behavior sounds a lot like my last relationship?” Come on, admit it, I know I’m not alone.
I was sitting in my car listening to Real Crime Profile when I first learned about coercive control. The presenters, actual criminal profilers, were discussing OJ Simpson and the pattern of relationship behaviors leading up to Nicole Brown’s death. As they continued to talk about the definition of coercive control, how it affects women, and what is unique about it, my mouth dropped open.
How could I be a victim of something I’ve never heard of?
Now let me preface this by saying that I am not 100 percent saying that any of my exes are or have the potential to be psychopathic killers. Social hostility? maybe. A psychopathic killer, no. I’m certainly not suggesting that my ex-boyfriends are potential or actual killers. (Legal department, is that good enough?)
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But what I’m saying is that there is a measure of the severity of coercive control, and I was on it. Which, as you can imagine, was a shock to the system when he saw that the presenters were talking about it in conjunction with a murder.
So what is coercive control?
The hosts, Laura Richards and Jim Clemente talked about behavioral patterns that involved a set of rules that one partner was aware of when the other partner was not. How one partner starts by saying something like “I like your hair better,” and the other softens it to please them. Slowly but surely, “I like it this way” will become “Why don’t you do it this way?” Then in the end, “You can’t do anything right.”
A small but persistent anxiety (or perhaps even fear) develops within victims to ensure that they live according to the arbitrary “rules” set by their partners. Often, they have no idea that they have become dependent or victims of this, or that it is even emotional abuse at all; They are just trying to make their partners happy. But if there is even the slightest worry that if they don’t do something the “right” way it might disappoint your partner? This is evidence of coercive control.
I started doing my research and discovered a few more things about this hidden abuse. Professor Evan Stark Ph.D. She is one of the world’s leading authorities on the subject of coercive control and describes it as follows: “Coercive control is a general pattern of behavior that, although not unique, is often associated with the control of women… It is a combination of tactics used Over It’s time to subjugate someone through a pattern of threats, threats of violence, actual violence, and other tactics that make them submit to your will.
Well, I thought that sounded more extreme than my situation was. But I read.
“Coercive control is a pattern of behavior, it is not an individual act…it extends over time. It is also broad in scope and involves a whole range of tactics…and while it may involve violence, it does not always involve violence. It can also include other coercive methods, especially intimidation methods, such as stalking. But these threats extend from literal threats to things that from the outside world might look like love.
Would you love to come help you move house? Well, that’s love…except when he tells his friends that it’s because you’re incapable of doing it yourself even though you’ve managed just fine without him for years prior.
Good. It was getting warmer.
Professor Stark continued: “Then there are the controlling elements that complement the coercion. They are designed to take on fear or anxiety and spread it in the process of dependency. Control methods are usually isolating the partner, cutting him off from his sources of support, regulating his behavior, exploiting his resources, and… organizing his daily life.
At that last comment, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck tingle. One of the things my friends and family pointed out after the breakup was how much the master narcissist (see previous columns for background bio) wanted me to do things his way, and that my way was always inadequate.
As the professor continued talking, I felt that things were becoming more familiar. Regulations about women’s lives are usually related to tasks they are “expected” to do simply because they are women, “control is about how they cook, how they clean, how they dress, etc., but it extends across a wide spectrum. The gap is in some of the more trivial aspects of life.” Whether they leave the bathroom door closed or open when using the facility, what programs do they watch on TV? It’s not just about vacuuming, but also how to vacuum, so they can see the lines on the carpet.”
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I’ve had visions of Mr. Narcissist telling me I was too messy when I cooked, even though I cleaned up afterward. Who called me to point out what was wrong with the way I handled my dishes. He told me I should take off my clothes before going downstairs, instead of putting them on the chair. Regarding completely dismantling the dishwasher and washing the dishes by hand, he told me that only lazy people use dishwashers. Or even the time he told me it was weird and unnatural for me to wake up to pee in the middle of the night and I should try not to. And, I was mentally going through the list of things he didn’t like to make sure I did things “right” before he came home.
“Through the process of coercive control and micromanagement of women’s daily lives,” Professor Evans explained, “all the spaces in which they could breathe air as a free person are essentially exhausted. They fundamentally lose that necessary sense of self and freedom.”
Lysen psychologist Brenna Jane Sada agrees. “The reason coercive control is so insidious is that the abuse is constant and it puts at risk much more than you can physically see,” she explains.
“It is a confusing form of abuse that strips the victim of their sense of self and makes them question their stability. Perpetrators use subtle tactics that may seem harmless at first, but over time can affect the victim’s sense of self.
“It is the persistent and persistent remarks and actions that emotionally exhaust the victim, often leaving them wondering whether or not something is wrong. Coercive control is a form of abuse that weakens the victim and strips them of their autonomy. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to detect because it develops gradually, It may occur in isolation and may be more difficult to notice than a black eye.
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Well, if that doesn’t speak to my soul.
How do we fight coercive control?
If you live in the UK, you’re in luck! There are laws against that, but you have to be on the more serious side of things. The law now protects victims who are subjected to a type of behavior that does not amount to serious physical violence but amounts to severe psychological and emotional abuse, which can be punished by a maximum of five years in prison and a fine.
One of the main reasons why activists in the UK have fought so hard for these laws is that there is a lot of evidence to show that in many cases, milder forms of coercive control can be indicators of behavior escalating into stalking, physical assault, or even the kill.
Hence the reference to the murder podcast.
Although I am nowhere near the category of women who have experienced this level of trauma, I know what it feels like to suffer emotional abuse and I have no idea until you see the situation from afar. I know what it’s like to feel anxious that you may not have done things to your partner’s standards and worry that he or she will criticize you for not doing things “right.” I know what it feels like to lose someone trying to please someone else.
I know I want to start the fight to make sure that women who are victims of this realize that it is abuse, no matter how extensive it is. I want to start fighting to make sure people know that it’s not normal to worry that you won’t grow well enough to avoid harsh criticism from someone who is supposed to love you. And I want to start the fight to make the laws in the UK available around the world.
