Key Points

Narcissists may experience a narcissistic meltdown when faced with a situation that results in public humiliation and failure.

During a narcissistic meltdown, the narcissistic defenses that keep them confident no longer work.

In a narcissistic meltdown, they feel extremely anxious, depressed, and ashamed and may be unable to function.

Many people imagine narcissists as highly self-confident and never suffer from self-doubt. The reality is quite different. People with narcissistic personality disorder suffer from unstable self-esteem, underlying shame, and worthlessness. They rely on others to provide the external validation they need to feel confident and special.

As a result of their reliance on external validation and their value in their public image, narcissists can experience a debilitating narcissistic meltdown when they anticipate a humiliating public failure. The anxiety associated with having their flaws exposed can interfere with their ability to muster enough defensive pride to shore up their self-esteem. Without the support of their elders, they may sink into a shame-based depression, fearing the future and unable to function in the present.

In extreme cases, narcissists may attempt suicide because they see death as less horrible than being publicly exposed as an inappropriate fake.

Note: I use the terms narcissist, narcissist, and narcissistic personality disorder in this article as shorthand to describe someone who qualifies for the full diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

God’s Defense of Exhibitionist Narcissists

If we look at the common exhibitionist subtype of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that most people think of when they hear the term narcissist, it’s fairly easy to see that they use a simple three-part defense to create a facade of extreme self-confidence. I call this the “God Defense.”

G – Grandiosity: They act as if they are special and entitled to do or say whatever they want. Grandiosity Motto: “I am special.”

O – Omnipotent: They make all sorts of unrealistic claims about how powerful and all-knowing they are. Omnipotent Motto: “I can do anything, and I know that everything is worth knowing.”

D- Devaluation: They feel free to attack and devalue anyone who is not clearly above them in their status hierarchy. Devaluation Motto: “You are worthless, defective trash, and you are here to serve me.”

Exhibitionist narcissists act as if they are special, make exaggerated claims about what they know and can do, and devalue others. As long as their defense of God works, they feel good.

What is a Narcissistic Meltdown?

I have seen a few average to high-functioning clients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who came into therapy in a state of collapse because they could no longer pretend to be special. By collapse, I mean that they were so anxious and depressed that they could not function at work or at home.

These clients were high achievers at work, and on the surface, their lives seemed completely enviable. Now, something has changed, and they can no longer maintain their defensive egos, and they believe they are in danger of being publicly exposed as fakes and failures—or they have been.

Here are some examples with details changed to protect these clients.

Example—Fred and the Exam

Fred, a narcissistic braggart, had risen through the ranks in his company. Over the years, as he gained power, he became visibly more pompous.

When the company was sold and the new owner took over, he was not very impressed with Fred and what he had accomplished. Changes were made, one of which was that additional training was required for all managers. As part of this training, they had to pass a new state licensing exam that would qualify them for new responsibilities.

Unfortunately, Fred had never been a good student, and passing the exams was extremely difficult for him. As more and more members of his department took the exam, Fred became increasingly fearful. He lost all confidence that he would pass and imagined how everyone in the department would laugh at him when they learned that he had failed.

Fred felt trapped. He knew that he was not making progress in his studies, but he was too embarrassed to admit it and ask for help. He knew that if he took the exam and failed, he would be publicly humiliated in front of his colleagues.

Fred collapsed and was no longer able to work. At home, he drank heavily and fought with his family over trivial matters. Eventually, he seriously attempted suicide. Fortunately, he was found in time, taken to hospital, and survived. He spent a month in a private mental hospital, received some excellent treatment, and I saw him for therapy after his release.

Fred gradually regained his sense of proportion and some of his self-confidence. He came to terms with his limitations and found a new job at a different company that did not require him to take any exams.

Example—Carol and her boss

Carol, an attractive woman with covert narcissistic personality disorder, was one of her company’s top salespeople. Her boss thought she was great, and her self-confidence rose with every compliment he gave her. Pleasing her boss was her main source of narcissistic supply.

When her boss left to take a job at another company, Carol lost all confidence because she no longer needed him to validate her. She convinced herself that without her old boss to support her, she would fail, and everyone would see her failure.

All of this made Carol so anxious that she took time off work. When she came to my first therapy session, she was shaking with anxiety, and her self-confidence was at a low ebb.

The good news was that Carol was a good candidate for therapy. Within a few months, she had calmed down enough to face her fears and return to work. The last I heard, she had struck up a good relationship with her new boss, and Carol was working hard and happily listening to him compliment her.

Example—William the Conqueror

William was a strikingly handsome man, a natural athlete, and went to all the right schools. He married well, had children, and seemed to have the perfect life.

But unlike Fred and Carol, William did the bare minimum at work and cut corners wherever he could. He also cheated on his wife repeatedly, and his marriage was in jeopardy.

William was so arrogant and his sense of entitlement so great that he was shocked when his absolute selfishness, laziness, and disregard for the feelings of others finally caught up with him. His company failed, his wife caught him cheating and filed for divorce, and his so-called friends abandoned him.

By the time he entered therapy, he was deeply depressed. He had a complete breakdown and was no longer able to work at all. He sank into a pit of shame and self-loathing. He barely left his house.

Despite his suffering, William was still looking for an easy way out of his predicament. His failures had taught him nothing. He continued the same pattern in therapy that had ruined his life: cutting corners, not taking his therapy seriously, and wasting most of his sessions in self-pity.

Summary

To maintain a high level of functioning and stabilize their shaky self-esteem, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder need constant external validation. When something interferes with their ability to obtain their usual narcissistic supplies, and they face the prospect of humiliating public failure, some narcissists break down, quit, and give up.