Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Well, there can be long-term effects to living with a narcissist, and it can be emotionally draining. Read on to find out more.
Relationships with narcissists revolve around them—their needs, entitlement, egos, and moods. Partners are not seen as whole, separate human beings with their own feelings and needs.
Because they lack empathy and think only of themselves, narcissists feel entitled to control, belittle, and exploit family members in order to boost their poor self-esteem and maintain control.
Maintaining power is their primary goal because it makes them feel secure and keeps their deep feelings of shame at bay. Their tough defenses on others help them do this.
Unfortunately, partners also suffer from low self-esteem, and in the early stages of a relationship they don’t mind sacrificing their own needs. This encourages the narcissist to make increasingly unreasonable demands. Partners put the narcissist first because they believe putting themselves first is selfish and because they believe it secures the narcissist’s love.
But over time, they come to realize that trying to please a narcissist and satisfy their insatiable needs is unquestionable — like trying to fill a bottomless hole. The narcissist finds fault in their efforts or gives back compliments so that partners are always frustrated.
Even if he feels momentarily happy, the narcissist will soon detract or demand more. Underneath it, both narcissists and their partners feel unloved.
The effects of living with a narcissist
Narcissists make their partners experience what it was like to have a cold, gassy, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Their partner’s needs, interests, and concerns are of no concern to the narcissist, who in some cases lives his or her life as if no one else is, making their partners feel invisible.
Vampire Anne Rice Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who was faithfully attached to him to survive. Deprivation of true upbringing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to fuel their insatiable need for validation.
Partners often doubt the narcissist’s sincerity and wonder if it’s manipulation, pretending, or an artificial “as if” personality.
They wonder, “Can a narcissist love?” They feel stressed and drained from narcissistic abuse, including unpredictable tantrums, attacks, lies, false accusations, criticism, and unwarranted resentment over small or imaginary insults.
These partners also lack boundaries and take everything said about them as truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their own needs and walk on eggshells, fearful of the narcissist’s displeasure. They risk blame and punishment daily, and they like to withhold it, or break off the relationship.
They are unable to deal effectively with abuse. They worry about what their spouse will think or do, and become as preoccupied with the narcissist as the narcissist with him.
Loving a narcissist leads to constant feelings of insecurity and disappointment. Often in these relationships, narcissists are the ones who are distant at more than expected sex.
For the narcissist, getting emotionally close requires giving up power and control. The idea of accreditation is repugnant. Not only does it limit their options and make them feel powerless, but it also exposes them to rejection and feelings of shame, which they consciously keep at any cost (Lancer, 2014).
Soon, the partners begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-esteem. Communication of their disappointment gets twisted and met with defensive blame or more defeats.
The narcissist can cook it, but not take it. When two narcissists meet, they fight over whose needs come first, blame and push each other, but are miserably in need of each other.
Partners must adapt to the cold world of narcissists and get used to living with emotional abandonment. Although the narcissist may have been pursuing them when they were dating, now they are pursuing the narcissist for crumbs of attention, unconsciously reliving the emotional abandonment of their past.
Related: Breaking the Cycle: 7 Strategies To Avoid Falling Into A Narcissistic Relationship Pattern
However, many partners remain, because the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that initially attracted them return periodically, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that a breakup is imminent. But even where there is no reprieve from the narcissist’s callousness and callousness, the bond of trauma and intermittent reinforcement binds the couple together.
For these and other reasons, breaking up with an abuser is more difficult than leaving a normal relationship. It first requires that the partners regain their self-esteem and confidence.
