Do you have a friend who suffers from isolation personality disorder? Perhaps you are in a relationship with an avoidant person and are not dealing with their low self-esteem. You may have decided that you can’t be around a family member anymore because you are powerless to change or deal with the avoidant personality traits.

Avoidants react in one of two ways, depending on whether they want a relationship with you. Before we look at what happens when you stop chasing an avoider, let’s recap their symptoms. Because, if we want to understand what the avoidant person does when turning away, it helps to know his personality traits.

What happens when you stop chasing the avoider?

“If we are subconsciously taught the mandate ‘have no feelings, show no feelings, don’t need anything from anyone, ever’ — then escaping is the best way we can safely fulfill that mandate.”

Relationships with avoidants are frustrating for both parties. The intensely avoidant person wants connection but is afraid of commitment. Avoidants constantly wonder if someone is right for them. They never think they are good enough for people. Subconsciously, they act in such a way as to push their partner away. Then, when the relationship ends, they can say it wasn’t meant to be.

Meanwhile, the avoidant’s behavior baffles his partner. The avoidant cancels plans at the last minute, withholds contact for extended periods, and won’t address any issues. Now the partner has had enough. They stop making all the effort.

When someone stops chasing the avoidant, the avoidant follows two broad patterns of behavior, depending on whether they want a relationship with the person.

Avoiders either deactivate or fade away when you stop chasing them
What happens when you stop chasing the avoider? It either deactivates the relationship or fades away from it. When an avoidant is deactivated from someone, it abruptly stops all contact and cuts that person out of their life.

Fade is their way of gradually distancing themselves from a person. It is not as brutal and final as a hold-up.

Make no mistake, however, all slackers feel great when you stop chasing them. Avoidants are so socially disabled that they need space from the other person. As sad as it sounds, cutting or stopping communication gives them that space, albeit at a cost. Even in good relationships, the avoidant still needs space after a few months.

So, how do you know what behavior the avoidant will choose if you move away?

If they are not interested in you, turning away from the avoidant causes them to deactivate you.
If they still care about you, it will fade away.
Now let’s examine these two behaviors.

9 Things to expect when you stop chasing the avoider

What happens when the avoider is disabled?

1. They are comfortable
   What happens when you stop chasing the person who doesn’t care about you? They will rest. You can almost hear them breathe a figurative sigh of relief when you walk away from them. Finally, they are free from the social details and interactions that make them feel so anxious.
2. They act cold and aloof
   Avoidants can now cut you out of their lives. Although a breakup is a negative experience for most of us, slackers feel relieved when you stop chasing them. It’s like overeating on a diet or skipping work when you’re not sick. It’s a negative attitude, but the avoidant feels good about it if he sees that you don’t expect him to acknowledge or contact you.
3. They don’t respond
   If the avoider is not interested, you can expect complete radio silence. They won’t risk contacting you because you might respond and then fall back into that awkward social situation. Secretly, I bet they hope you never contact them again.
4. They block you
   For peace of mind, the avoidant will block the person they decide they can’t be in a relationship with. Helps reduce feelings of anxiety. They know you don’t have to worry about getting a text or a call. Because they are afraid to contact them again, blocking is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding you.

What happens when the avoider fades away?

5. They get depressed
   Whether the avoidant person likes you or not, they will still get some kind of relief when you stop chasing them. However, this relief does not last long. They will get depressed. Any little self-esteem they have has diminished, and self-doubt plagues them. Avoidants may begin to hate themselves.

They will ask: what is wrong with them? Why do they keep sabotaging relationships? Why can’t they have what others have?

6. They make excuses for their behavior
   Sometimes the avoidant person wants a relationship with you but acts like they don’t. In these situations, they will try to make excuses for their behavior. By this time, if you’ve moved away from the avoidant person, you’ve had enough of his or her mixed signals.

The problem is exacerbated when the avoidant does not know that he has an avoidant personality. They may not realize what or why they act the way they do.

7. They initiate contact, but after a long time
   Often, a strange thing happens when you stop chasing an avoider. Suddenly, they are texting or calling you. You may think the relationship is dead in the water, but the avoidant is still thinking about you.
8. They test the waters with a random text or call
   Avoiders will see if you are still interested in sending them an SMS or a call. It can be a funny emoticon, emoji, or a voice note. If you answer, they know they still have a toe in the water.
9. Their letters are long
   Once reconnected, the avoidant will communicate on a semi-regular basis. However, the messages will lack emotional content. They won’t mention their feelings, what went wrong in the relationship, or want to talk about how to move forward. It’s enough just to re-handle you.