What happens when you reject a narcissist? Do you think that nothing can hurt a narcissist’s inflated ego? Do you assume that the narcissist in your life is immune to feeling hurt or vulnerable? Think again. Although they will never tell you outright, narcissists fear, dread, and hate rejection more than almost anything else.
No one likes to feel rejected. It’s a vulnerable and painful experience, and it can trigger deep feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. But for a narcissist, even a mild rejection often represents the ultimate form of betrayal.
So what happens if you start rejecting and ignoring a narcissist? Let’s dig in.
DoesRejectionHurt a Narcissist?
In the short answer, yes.
In the longer, more nuanced answer, it hurts them in ways they won’t openly disclose.
So how do narcissists react to rejection? They react using their typical responses, including anger, defensiveness, denial, and projection. They become vicious and spiteful. In other words, they don’t try to understand why someone rejected them. They just know how to get revenge.
That’s why it’s important to understand the complex paradox of narcissism. Narcissists are self-absorbed and believe they are superior to others. They consider themselves above the norm, and assume they are entitled to whatever they want.
At the same time, despite their pretense of not caring about others, they are extremely sensitive to any judgment or criticism – to the point where it can be downright frustrating.
Do narcissists like to be rejected?
You might be thinking to yourself, but they seem to love negative attention! They don’t seem to care if others don’t like them!
We all know how much narcissists enjoy arguing and proving their point. We also know that they often act as if they don’t even think about others.
This behavior is often a shield. Narcissists love attention, but they hate feeling insulted, controlled, or criticized. That’s why they often react in such intense ways. They can’t stand the thought of someone attacking their ego.
Even a calm, indifferent demeanor is often a facade. It’s a desperate attempt to pretend that the problem doesn’t affect them. However, there’s a good chance that they’re struggling hard inside and planning their next move to get revenge.
How do narcissists deal with rejection?
When there’s any kind of threat to their self-esteem, they go on the defensive. Narcissistic injury is any threat, real or imagined, to the narcissist’s inflated self-perception (known as the false self).
Narcissists almost always react with narcissistic rage when they’re hurt. Contrary to popular belief, narcissistic rage is not a response to stress—it’s a response to perceived insult, humiliation, criticism, or disagreement—all of which are acts of rejection in the mind of the narcissist.
Experiencing narcissistic hurt can lead people with narcissism to act out aggressively. Narcissistic rage is the term used to describe this aggression, which can include violence. The rage that comes out in response to criticism can be directed toward others or toward oneself.
Narcissists respond in different ways, but almost every reaction involves some form of manipulation or abuse. Let’s take a look at 5 ways narcissists deal with rejection.
- Manipulation
I never saw us getting serious. It was just having a good time.
You’re crazy—I never said that. Why would you accuse me of something like that?
Oh, I don’t really care what we do. I just thought that was what you wanted.
Manipulation is when a narcissist tries to make you question your reality. They may do this by downplaying, lying, or twisting certain stories. Sometimes, it can be incredibly obvious, but many narcissists also know how to be cunning and clever.
In many ways, manipulation is a narcissist’s most reliable weapon. They can use it anytime they feel ashamed, embarrassed, or surprised.
When a narcissist feels rejected, they may trick you into pretending that they don’t care about the rejection at all. Or he may insist that you’re overreacting to focus attention on you and your feelings. In some cases, he may deny doing anything that caused the rejection.
- Shaming
“She doesn’t want to keep trying. I think she’s given up on us.”
“He’s drinking more than usual. I should have told you something sooner.”
“I’m pretty sure she was cheating on me. My heart is absolutely broken.”
Some narcissists will try to damage your reputation after a real or perceived rejection. They may smear you by trying to convince others that they’re the real victims in this dynamic. They often elicit this sympathy by blatantly lying about your behavior.
Narcissists may smear you in front of friends or family, but they may also try to destroy your credibility at work, in court, with future partners, or in society.
Shaming is an act of revenge. When a narcissist feels rejected, they feel vulnerable and humiliated. To deal with these painful feelings, they act in a convenient way: by attacking and hurting others.
- Fake apologies
I didn’t mean to do that. It won’t happen again!
I’m so sorry. Please give me another chance.
I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.
What do these apologies have in common? They’re fake apologies, and they certainly don’t involve any real sense of personal responsibility.
That’s because narcissists lack empathy for others. They don’t care how hurtful or even terrible their actions were. They’re driven by their own self-interest and apologize only to regain a semblance of power and control.
- The sudden move-on
Some narcissists respond to rejection by cutting you off completely. In doing so, they often rush into a new relationship very quickly. They usually try to brag about this exciting new life, and they may suddenly become very active on social media as a result.
Pretending to move on doesn’t mean they’ve actually moved on. Most of the time, it’s their way of trying to make you jealous. Plus, they’re trying to convince themselves that they never needed you.
“Moving on” is also a form of punishment. They think they’re hurting you by refusing to talk to you. In some ways, this is the best scenario. They’re making the no-contact approach easier for you.
- Giving You What You Want
I don’t know why I waited so long to ask. Will you marry me?
You’re right — we just need a better house. Let’s look at houses this week.
I’m starting therapy. Do you want to come with me to the first session?
Some narcissists react to rejection by appearing to admit their mistakes in the relationship. Using this strategy, they try to make things right by giving in to your desires.
Unfortunately, their motives often work. Of course, you want to believe that the narcissist can change. You try to give them a chance. So when they make a genuine attempt to improve the relationship with the narcissist, you may start to feel incredibly optimistic.
Unfortunately, their changes aren’t selfless or generous. They don’t necessarily care about making you feel better—they care about maintaining the status quo. Narcissists aren’t stupid. They know how to charm people, and they know exactly how to make you happy!
If a narcissist suddenly makes grandiose promises about the future, be wary. They may be feeling hopeless. Even if a small part of them wants to change for the better, personality disorders tend to become very inflexible and rigid over time.
Ultimately, giving them another chance only leads to more disappointment. You may feel frustrated and resentful when they don’t follow through on their promise. At the same time, you may also feel ashamed or embarrassed that you believed them in the first place.
What Are the Consequences of Rejecting a Narcissist Sexually?
Narcissists can have extreme attitudes when it comes to sex.
Hyperactive or somatic narcissists rely on their physical appearance and charm to win people over. Men in this category may focus excessively on their bodies or athletic abilities. Women in this category may undergo multiple plastic surgeries to achieve the perfect appearance. Inactive or cerebral narcissists focus on attracting people with their intelligence and personality. They may brag about their successful careers or impressive awards to win someone’s favor.
At the same time, they may find sex frustrating or even beneath them. They may judge people for being primitive or impulsive. As a result, they may turn the rejection onto you by insisting that they never wanted to have sex in the first place.
When a narcissist initiates sex, it’s not because they want to feel close to someone else. Typically, they’re just focused on maximizing their own pleasure. At that moment, you’re the one who can bring that pleasure. If they’re trying to attract a new narcissistic source, sex may represent a “win,” as if they’ve accomplished their mission.
Sex can also represent an act of power. Seduction can be an act of control and manipulation—which is why many narcissists feel drawn to pursue potential mates or engage in extramarital affairs. In this way, sex becomes a seductive game, a way for them to prove their worth and superiority.
How does a narcissist handle rejection in the bedroom? Not very well. They may engage in any or all of these abuse tactics:
Blaming their partner for being clingy, selfish, or cruel.
Minimizing or completely denying their desire for sex in the first place.
Withholding sex from their partner in the future.
Cheating on their partner.
Blaming their partner for causing problems in the relationship.
Getting their partner to feel guilty by complaining about how they feel rejected or abandoned.
Shutting down and ignoring their partner for hours or days.
Threatening to blackmail or otherwise harm their partner.
Forcing themselves physically on their partner and sexually assaulting them.
What are the main consequences of rejecting a narcissist?
People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they deserve special treatment. They believe that others should accommodate and even compromise their needs.
In addition, they expect constant admiration and validation. Although they may appear to have high self-esteem, their egos are extremely fragile. So, if someone or something challenges these needs, they may automatically assume they are being rejected.
Narcissistic rage tends to be the most common reaction to rejection. This rage involves an intense outburst of anger, madness, passive aggression, and avoidance. It is a response to narcissistic injury, which refers to the narcissist’s experience of feeling challenged, ridiculed, or insecure.
NarcissisticVacuumRejection – Now What?
You’ve stayed strong despite the pain and anxiety. You’re doing your best to move on and heal from narcissistic abuse. But they still won’t leave you alone. They’re still doing everything they can to lure you back into their lives.
So what happens when you reject a narcissist and their harassment?
At first, they tend to escalate their behavior. If they call you once a week, don’t be surprised if they call you several times a week. If they send you flowers once, you may get flowers with a box of chocolates the next month.
They use the vacuum cleaner to try to convince you that you’re wrong for rejecting them. Every vacuum cleaner is designed to get you back. Remember that the next time you feel convinced that they are being honest or loyal, they want proof that this time will be different. They want you to question the reasons why you left them or rejected them.
Keep in mind that any response to their vacuum cleaner is giving them attention. Most narcissists do not differentiate between positive and negative attention. Just like a small child, they take what they can get.
How does a narcissist deal with rejection and no contact?
If rejection is the ultimate form of betrayal for a narcissist, the concept of no contact seems alien and almost unimaginable. When you truly walk away from the relationship, you are choosing to walk away from their abuse.
Narcissists often feel this way. They think you’re lucky to have them. They can’t understand why you’d want to leave the relationship.
Can narcissists handle rejection and lack of communication? At first, they’ll throw a tantrum. They may try every manipulation strategy in the book. Expect constant shaming and manipulation. Expect them to suddenly move on to a new partner and a new life.
This is part of who they are, and it’s how they deal with rejection. But if you continue to stay in the relationship, your mental health will continue to suffer.
Loving a narcissist often entails sacrificing your happiness, your safety, and your overall identity. Over time, it can take everything away from you. You deserve to feel respected and loved in your relationships. If a narcissist can’t meet these needs, it’s worth reconsidering your options.
