Relationships with narcissists tend to follow a pattern that repeats itself over and over again. They get close to you, then when you least expect it, they suddenly pull away. When they’re done with you, they’ll leave you. Usually, for a reason that seems to be no fault of yours.
However, narcissists often come back when they think they have something to gain from you again. This is known as the idealization-devaluation-ignore-dismiss cycle.
So, while it may seem like narcissists are done with you when they leave you, they’re probably not done interfering in your life. To get rid of them completely, ignoring them may be your only option.
In this article, I’ll explain why you should ignore narcissists who’ve left you, the best way to ignore them, how they might react, and how to handle that reaction.
What happens when you ignore a narcissist who’s dumped you? Let’s start with why you might want to ignore a narcissist?
WhyYouIgnoreANarcissist?
If you want to break the narcissistic cycle you’ve finally found yourself trapped in, ignoring a narcissist may be the best thing you can do. This is especially true if your narcissist is abusing you, either physically or emotionally.
Why Should You Ignore a Narcissist Who Abandoned You?
If you’ve been through this cycle a few times now, you’re probably exhausted. Completely ignoring a narcissist may be the only way to get the space you need to heal.
Related : The Narcissist Discard Phase: 3 Signs a Final Discard is Coming
Narcissists love feedback, and once you give them feedback, you’re giving them your power. That’s how they get their pleasure, and they know they’ve affected you. To break free, you need to stop giving them feedback and completely ignore them. This means giving them no energy—positive or negative.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder feed their self-beliefs with attention and admiration from those around them (1). We know this as narcissistic supply, and it’s arguably a form of addiction (2). While you are still feeding the narcissist with your responses, you will still be in the cycle of abuse. Breaking the cycle begins with emotional release.
Nothing hurts a narcissist more than being ignored because it makes them feel unimportant and unimportant, which is their greatest fear. However, you should never ignore a narcissist just to hurt them or provoke a response.
Ignoring them will only work if you truly don’t want anything to do with them, otherwise they will play your own game and probably end up winning.
You may want to check in on how they are doing and you may be tempted to check their social media accounts or call them to see if your ignoring them has really hurt them. But it’s important not to do this because if you do, they will know that they still have your attention.
How to Ignore a Narcissist?
There is a method known as the “grey rock” method when dealing with narcissists. This method encourages victims to make their lives seem as dull and static as possible, in the hope that the narcissist will eventually get bored and leave the victim alone.
Another method is the “no contact” method, which of course involves cutting off all contact with the narcissist. If this is not possible, you should try to ignore the things they do that trigger you and avoid reacting. Essentially, the narcissist should believe that they are no longer the center of your world.
What are the effects of ignoring a narcissist?
All narcissists have some common characteristics – this is how they can be defined as narcissists. However, there is no “one size fits all” as every narcissist is different. I will first discuss the different types of narcissists and how they differ from each other. I will then discuss how this affects the effects of ignoring a narcissist and what exactly the effects of ignoring a narcissist are.
The Two Different Types of Narcissists
How a narcissist reacts to being ignored depends on the type of narcissist they are. They can take several different approaches, depending on their personal style. One person may ignore being ignored while another may feel like their world has ended.
Some have suggested that there are different levels of narcissism, with some narcissists reacting to being ignored in more extreme ways than others. Some have tried to classify narcissists into categories; however, even these categories cannot predict exactly how a narcissist will react to being ignored, although they can provide a useful framework.
Extroverted or “Oblivion” Narcissists – They need to be the center of attention at all times and will react very badly when ignored
Introverted or “Shy” Narcissists – The repressed type whose narcissism is mostly manifested in fantasy, so they will not act out much when ignored (also known as the Vulnerable Narcissist)
How a Narcissist Will React to Being Ignored
If you want to try to predict how your narcissist will react when ignored, try examining how they have acted in the past. Although we cannot accurately predict how a narcissist will react, there are some typical reactions that have been observed:
Mimicking your behavior and ignoring you in return – At first, the narcissist will not try to communicate and find out why you are ignoring them because they do not care about your feelings. They will want to “outdo” you by doing the same thing more or with greater intensity. This is their attempt to reassert their power. Behaviors may include intentionally ignoring your text messages or blocking you on social media.
They will attack – Narcissists thrive on using others as a source of power to make them feel important. If you ignore them and deprive them of their source, they may become angry. They will throw a tantrum and hurl insults and threats at you. In severe cases, the behavior can resemble psychopathic traits and may even turn violent. The expressions of this “out of control” rage will vary but may include:
Stalking you on social media
Physically stalking you
Sending angry and rude text messages
Trying to get information about you from your friends and family
Bragging on a new partner to get back at you
They will use calculated and controlled manipulation – After the narcissist’s “out of control” rage, they may switch back to more calculated and controlling manipulation. We know this stage as “callousness” and it aims to show that they still have complete power over you. They do this to punish and hurt you. In the narcissist’s mind, they are entitled to do this and you deserve it. Common strategies include:
Provocation – deliberately provoking you and causing you to become hostile
Manipulation – making you question your sense of reality and/or mental health
Blocking or stonewalling – removing your access to information and emotional/physical resources
Smear campaigns – spreading false information and gossip to discredit, undermine and isolate you.
They manipulate you by showing false kindness and respect – they will try to trick you into believing they have changed. Narcissists can’t stand losing and may see you ignoring them as a loss. This is very painful to their inflated ego so they will pursue you even more aggressively, using charm and flattery to lure you back. They may tell you they miss you and try to “love bomb” you again and use other “possession” techniques. But once they get what they want, all of this will go away and they will return to their manipulative ways.
They will make you feel guilty – this is to make you look like the victim so you can get back into the relationship with them. They may show remorse and pull at your heartstrings with promises of a fresh start. They may even threaten to hurt themselves or worse, guilt you into doing what they want. Some narcissists may try all of these steps in a row to try to get you back under their control.
Why Narcissists React to Being Ignored
In reality, narcissists have incredibly fragile egos, although it may not seem like it because they overcompensate for it. When they are ignored, they react to protect themselves from appearing weak.
Positive or negative engagement is a win-win for the narcissist; this is why they will try different techniques to get any kind of lift out of you.
Related : What is Narcissistic Rage?
Ignoring a narcissist reenacts a fundamental wound in their inner child. When parents fail to meet developmental needs, pathological narcissism can result (3), along with psychological barriers to protect themselves from pain (4). This is also known as the “contact-avoidant personality” (5). Losing the admiration they are addicted to will leave them feeling rejected, betrayed, and alone, and their self-esteem will be severely damaged.
The narcissist’s true feelings toward themselves are catastrophic, so they create a fictional persona to hide their inner wounds. This persona is known as the “ego” or “false self” and allows them to disconnect from their emotions. Anything you do that challenges the truth of your false self is a threat and must be eliminated.
When narcissists are ignored, the only way they know how to regain control and feel safe again is to reestablish power over you. Invalidating you validates their false self.
How to Deal with a Narcissist’s Reaction to Being Ignored?
You will almost certainly find ignoring a narcissist very difficult at first. Especially if you have been in and out of relationships with them for many years or if they have been emotionally damaging to you to the point where they believe you need them to survive.
You may be tempted to deal with them, but it’s important to stay strong. You need to be absolutely determined and prepared to get rid of the narcissist. It’s important to surround yourself with supportive friends and family who know your situation and who you can talk to.
Related : What is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome? Signs, Symptoms and Recovery
Avoid contact with them at all. This means no calls, emails, texts, and especially no in-person meetings. You should continue to ignore them indefinitely until they move on to something else. If your narcissist is particularly violent or aggressive when you ignore them, you may want to consider:
- Changing your phone number
- Removing them from social media
- Contacting their friends and family
- Staying away from them and the places they may go
- Involving the police
- Filing for a restraining order
Does Ignoring a Narcissist Work?
This depends on what outcome you want. If you’re hoping to make the narcissist feel emotions for you, it probably won’t work, because they don’t feel emotions the same way you do. Emotions are simply tools that the narcissist uses to manipulate others. But if you just want to finally get rid of the narcissist, ignoring them may do the trick.
They will move on to another source of narcissistic supply if they realize that you are truly done with them and can no longer be manipulated into doing what they want. If they see no point in continuing to pursue you, they will eventually leave you alone.
If they have no other source of supply, they may go into a “narcissistic meltdown” and go into a state of physiological withdrawal, much like people who are coming off hard drugs (8). If you deprive them of their supply and they can’t find it anywhere else, they may crash, which may cause them to realize their narcissistic ways and seek help. In this way, we can say that ignoring narcissists works.
However, ignoring narcissists who ignore you may actually encourage them to “get busy” because they know that you want their love and respect and can easily trick you into thinking that they have changed.
But eventually, if narcissists realize that their game is truly up and that you are no longer of use, they will dump you for good. Although they will only do this after they know that you understand them and they have nothing left to lose.
