The narcissist likes to corner you until you’re emotionally drained. Once he does, he pulls away and puts the spotlight on you.
“Look at how crazy and deceitful this person is,” he innocently tells others.
Well, there’s actually an interesting and very effective way to deal with being held back.
Don’t let it happen.
How?
The grey stone is a well-known tactic used by many affected by narcissism. It’s meant to end the game the narcissist is trying to play, and it works by taking control of you.
Don’t get me wrong here, it’s not a method that promises to end any narcissistic abuse, but it does put you back in the driver’s seat.
Related : Why Are Narcissists So Mean?
I want to walk you through exactly what happens when you get hit by the grey stone—and how it can change everything.
WhatExactlyIsA Grey Stone?
Think of yourself on a beach, walking on millions of tiny, shiny white, pink, and green rocks beneath you. They’re beautiful and you can’t take your eyes off them.
Have you noticed the grey stone there?
No?
Oh, that’s right. Because the gray rock blends into the background, no one wants to notice or pay attention to it because it doesn’t really offer them anything.
Well, you can be like that gray rock when you’re around a narcissist. You can sit there, being as invisible as possible, all by minimizing your feelings around them.
When they try to engage in a verbal war with you, you ignore them or mumble, “Okay, okay.”
When they keep prodding you to respond, you continue and do the same.
Eventually, with a frustrated sigh, the narcissist backs down, abandoning you altogether.
They give up because they didn’t get what they wanted from you.
You are a grey rock.
“I want to try the grey rock – what happens?”
Well, there are two sides to this coin, one about you and the other about the narcissist.
Let’s start with you, because you are much more important.
You
When you become a grey rock, what you take away is the supply you were unknowingly giving to the narcissist.
It’s not your fault, but over the time you’ve spent with them, they’ve learned what to extract from you that makes you feel tired and confused, and use it to fuel their own energy and self-esteem. They’ve learned to literally build their egos using the good character of others.
Related : Things That Will Drive a Narcissist Crazy
By refusing to give up what can be held for you, you can learn to rebuild your self-esteem. By going to the grey rock, you’re setting boundaries that keep the drama under control and give yourself the opportunity to stay in your own space, both physically and emotionally.
You can avoid narcissistic rage when the narcissist gives in to trying to get a reaction from you.
Narcissist
Now, the narcissist will initially feel a little confused by this sudden change in dynamics. He has long been accustomed to being able to treat you a certain way, and to go to you if he needs support and conflict.
He knows you, and now you are showing him that he actually doesn’t know you very well.
The narcissist will panic when his ability to light the familiar fire fails, and he will look around desperately to see who his next victim will be.
It is impossible for him not to have support, so someone, someone rather unexpected, will be next on his hit list, which does not bode well for him but at least it gives you the opportunity you were looking for.
Get ready for the comments
They will definitely come!
They will notice the change in you and start to show how upset they are.
Oh, I see. You are too good to not talk to me now, aren’t you?
What are you, some kind of glorified therapist now?
They want to turn it into a degrading space, but what they’re really doing is trying to get you to explain what’s going on because you’re no longer feeding them, and they know they’ve been found out.
What are you denying the narcissist by going to Grey Rock?
Well, aside from denying them the discussion, you’re interestingly denying a lot of other things that work in your favor.
Validation – Refusing to engage in what the narcissist is trying to get you to engage in means you’re no longer validating them. You’re no longer allowing them to be the dominant voice. You’re asking them to stop talking without actually asking them to, and narcissists love to talk.
Related : 8 Reasons Why it’s So Hard to Leave a Narcissist
Drama – What’s the point of a day without a little drama? Well, that’s what a narcissist likes to wonder anyway. What exactly do they do if there’s nothing to upset them about? Who can they upset now? What role will you play with them? It’s a confusing time, but they know they’re not getting the usual drama now that your refusal to meet them where they are is clear.
Your Personal Insecurities – The way we respond to a narcissist can sometimes reveal a pattern of our own insecurities. For example, if you try too hard to ask a narcissist what’s wrong if they’re intentionally giving you the silent treatment, you’re feeding them the belief that they’re needed and giving them that attention.
It also shows that you’re worried that you’ve done something wrong and shows how upset you are when you haven’t actually done anything. Going gray basically means that you’re leaving them in a state of anger and sitting comfortably in your own space rather than feeling the need to give away more of yourself for nothing.
Power – Giving your words to a narcissist is like giving away your power.
Take it, it’s yours.
No! Stop!
It’s not the narcissist’s property. It’s yours and you have every right to keep it.
The narcissist won’t like it, of course, but that’s not your problem.
Getting rid of the narcissist vs. getting upset
Getting gray makes you vulnerable to being ignored, which the narcissist no longer wants to be around, because you’re giving them nothing.
It can be a harsh reminder of times past when you felt “not important enough” to someone and were ignored or brushed aside, but it’s important not to compare the two. These feelings will rise, and they will want to naturally return you to the narcissist you were before, but don’t give in.
The discomfort of going gray far outweighs the long-term suffering you’ll endure if you continue to treat them in toxic ways.
While it may not be in your nature to be “sold out and uncaring,” you do it for a purpose, and that purpose is your well-being.
