What a twist on the usual question: “Should I forgive the narcissist?”
Honestly – it will upset and frustrate the narcissist. Don’t make the mistake of assuming it’s because you did something terrible, no.
Narcissists will make you apologize even if you did nothing wrong.
why is that?
And what exactly happens once you receive your apology?
You won’t believe how many people can relate to this – buckle up!
None of us is perfect
As much as you may hate to admit it, a narcissist will not be right one hundred percent of the time.
There is no perfect person on this planet, and sometimes an apology is necessary.
The difference between those who are not narcissists is that their apologies are sincere. Admitting that one needs to turn someone in is a free admission, and there is associated hope of some kind of reconciliation or healing.
Healthy people take responsibility for their actions.
Sometimes – we all need to apologize, and we have to own up to what we do even when we’re wrong.
Being with a narcissist can lead to unhealthy patterns
Yes – even for the healthiest of people – being stuck in a long-term narcissistic relationship can mean that you too are burdened by conflict and caught in a web of verbal bat-and-ball.
Knowing when you’ve gone too far is when you apologize.
So…what happens next?
forgiveness? forget that!
Narcissists are always pushing boundaries and causing pain.
They are also always forgiven or excused by the other person. When the healthiest person in the relationship makes a mistake and approaches the narcissist with an apology – the same grace is rarely extended.
See also: Toxic Friend Alert: 10 Warning Signs Of An Emotionally Draining Friendship
Forgiveness ceases to exist!
Why?
You already know why.
When a narcissist feels he has been wronged, he only thinks about one thing:
The world wants to destroy and harm me, so before it does that, I will punish the world instead!
Sounds mature, doesn’t it?
I was never the immature, narcissist-free version of me!
You can see now that forgiveness is simply not an option for narcissists. I would go so far as to say that narcissists, in their intolerance, will fail to see that anything they have ever done has been beneficial to them.
Power and strength
Dominance and intimidation are great ways for a narcissist to keep someone close to them.
When you make a mistake in the eyes of a narcissist, they will find that they have something under their sleeve to use to do both of these things.
Command and control can look like this:
Do you remember going back to that time (years ago) when you did this?
Remember our family summer vacation when I messed up the car and had to pay to get it fixed?
These things will never be forgotten and will play a role in the guilt you feel for what you did that time.
The mistakes you make will be held over you for the rest of your relationship – and you will be reminded of them any time the narcissist feels like hearing your apology or seeing you feel the guilt or remorse that you would naturally feel.
This is not forgiveness!
Imagine if you did this to them.
Inability to process – check!
Narcissists are notorious for their inability to process their emotions. They cannot organize, and they cannot think of ways to help and heal them.
See also Why are Narcissists so mean?
One of the main things they cannot handle is disappointment. If it doesn’t go well, the narcissist will automatically turn to an emotion that is easy to dismiss:
Anger.
Everything you did wrong that you sincerely apologize for will become a threat to them because their insecurities have been completely triggered.
What does a narcissist do with your apology when his fears come to the surface in this way?
They turn into the victim.
They resort to justification.
They turn angry.
They bring out all the passive-aggressive weapons they have.
“The world hates me!”
We may laugh at narcissists who always make everything about themselves, but in reality, when a narcissist is wronged in any way, shape, or form, they will see the entire world attacking them.
Everyone’s out to get me!
Admitting the mistake you made – the narcissist will see this as a bigger problem, and say things like:
Why does everything always happen to me?
Why is life unfair?
When you apologize – this entire thought pattern will be triggered within the narcissist, who will see your mistake as a sign that they are – once again – being targeted by the world.
