Idealization.
Devaluation.
Ignoring.
Hoarding.
Once the narcissist has you, they begin to show disinterest in you.
They love the chase, and may threaten to leave.
What often happens is that people decide to be the ones to leave the narcissistic relationship because the cycle above doesn’t change.
When you leave – the narcissist realizes that they are losing control and all the comfort and power that came with the relationship.
You will see anger, sarcasm, and apathy. What you may not be aware of is that the narcissist fears abandonment. It may come as a shock to you, but it activates something inside the narcissist’s mind – their inability to regulate abandonment.
Let’s see what happens when you abandon a narcissist.
AttachmentIssuesComeOut
You abandoning them will only exacerbate their attachment issues. Narcissists have attachment issues because the more they are abandoned by life, the more they will react to your abandonment.
This may come as a surprise because the narcissist seems either too cool or too confident to have such problems.
However, in reality – they are lost when the other person in a narcissistic relationship walks away for a moment – even if it’s a day – as those few hours are enough to make you realize the truth about them.
Abandonment patterns can appear either anxious or avoidant, so any narcissist finds it difficult to put down roots and build a life with someone.
If you leave in any way – that’s the moment they dread and fear.
StressIncreasesThe Closer You Get to Abandonment
Don’t get me wrong – abandonment doesn’t have to be permanent. But when you know that there will be times when you will be apart, whether it’s a business trip or a family emergency, the closer you get to the day of departure, the more difficult things can become.
Related : Can Being with a Narcissist Turn You into One?
This can feel like a heightened level of conflict. Arguments can feel more intense.
As the stress builds, the narcissist becomes more agitated. You don’t want these moments to be unpleasant, but no matter how hard you try to keep the peace, the narcissist doesn’t care. This can lead to a tense exchange of words right up until the moment you leave.
The narcissist sends you off to your duties with an uncertain and unclear mind and heart, and they do this because they want you to know how miserable you are for abandoning them.
ComingBackIsNeverEasy
Going back to where the narcissist was made to feel abandoned should make things better, right?
Wrong!
The narcissist knows you’re coming back, leaving them clear and obvious to tell you how miserable you were when you had to leave.
They’ll remain distant, dissatisfied, and detached.
This is a pattern you’ll see a lot in anyone with attachment issues, but adding narcissism on top will make you feel guilty for leaving them and activate that primal fear of being left alone.
Putting yourself back together only opens the door to more anger.
How could you possibly leave? What made you think you could just up and leave?
Believe it or not – you can even mumble these words when they leave and go somewhere without you!
THEIRTERROR IS REAL
In the same way that a child feels terror – you can bring the terror of a narcissist to the surface. They don’t understand that you can do things independently – and they can’t understand how and where you get the strength to do it.
For you, you wonder what all the fuss is about. Meanwhile, the overly confident narcissist usually has clearly diminished self-esteem, and is shocked at the mere thought of you not being there.
Rejection
Narcissists are aggressive, which means that any form of rejection is not to their liking. Even if you decide to decline an invitation to drinks or dinner, they will resent it because they see you as rejecting them so directly.
There is a level of abandonment in this, even if it is slightly less. They see your rejection as a loss of love and are vulnerable to it.
Since narcissists do not like to appear weak, they will not show their anger to everyone, only to you.
How does this look to you?
It is a complete and total surprise. After all, they have always been the dominant party between you, and now they seem like lost children.
Related : 9 Reasons Why Narcissists Need Their Flying Monkeys
Don’t think for a moment that calming them down will work – all you are doing when you go to them to reassure them is making them angrier.
How dare you call them weak?
Vacuuming – and lots of it!
Why would a narcissist leave if they fear being abandoned, just to try to get you to use them again?
They leave because they are scared. They want to leave first so they can control the narrative. Imagine watching a familiar horror movie and hiding before the scariest part.
Can I get them back? Will they come back?
This push and pull will ignite the vacuuming, and it is very possible that you will fall into their trap.
In the eyes of the narcissist, vacuuming will pull you to where you find yourself face to face with them. They want you to be close to them and will do whatever it takes to make that happen.
This is how the cycle continues and becomes repetitive for the person who has to deal with the narcissist. It’s exhausting for anyone to be involved in, but it’s also something a narcissist does out of desperation to keep you addicted to them and in a place that makes you feel like you can’t live without them when in reality, they can’t live without you.
More importantly, this is how the narcissist controls the entire relationship, and will do so with all his power and authority (which is a lot).
Abandonment – Therapy
You or I have the self-awareness to recognize these massive barriers as obstacles that simply cannot be held. Unfortunately for the narcissist, this is almost impossible because any self-awareness involves self-reflection, and that is something no narcissist can do.
Helping yourself feel safe is a way to regulate when you should leave the relationship for any length of time. However, if the narcissist feels a constant sense of threat from the world – there is nothing you or even he can do to prevent this feeling of abandonment.
