Your decision and ability to ignore the narcissist’s vacuum is the catalyst for breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Just like a Hoover vacuum, narcissists work hard to “suck” their victims back into their orbit.
Rejecting their vacuuming efforts often amplifies their manipulation, hurts their ego, and provokes their narcissistic rage.
The more you can set these firm boundaries, the more likely you are to protect your safety and heal from the abuse. Although they may try to vacuum more, they will eventually stop if they continue to fail.
How Does a Narcissist Feel When You Ignore Their Vacuuming Attempts?
Every vacuuming attempt is intentionally designed to manipulate you. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are thought to suffer from a narcissistic void, which refers to a deep sense of loneliness and lack of an authentic self.
Related : Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing?
They rely on narcissistic supply to “fill” this void and validate their ego. So, even if you’ve ended your relationship or set firm boundaries, vacuuming serves as a way to continue to project power and control.
Narcissists vacuum in many ways, including:
Reaching out to friends and family “just to see how you’re doing” in the hopes that they’ll let you know about the interaction
Texting or calling you to check in (see here for some examples)
Randomly showing up at your home or workplace
Calling you “by mistake” and blaming the phone call
Pretending to be in crisis and calling you for sympathy or support
Threatening you with other forms of emotional blackmail
Unfortunately, a manipulative narcissist is often validated and reinforced for their manipulative behavior.
You probably don’t want to deal with the fallout from their rejection. You don’t want to make things worse or risk further physical or emotional abuse.
But ignoring these nasty tactics is the best way to move on from an abusive relationship and take care of yourself.
12 Things That Happen When You Refuse a Narcissist’s Attempts to Vacuum Your House
Most narcissists vacuum their house when they feel threatened about losing something they value.
This speaks to their ego—they believe they are entitled to what they want, despite their behavior or intentions.
Unfortunately, rejecting a narcissist’s attempt to vacuum your house will not earn you immediate respect or kindness.
Narcissists never respond well to real or perceived rejection, even when it’s in everyone’s best interest. Here are some ways narcissists respond when their vacuuming behaviors don’t work:
1 They’ll Keep Vacuuming
If this is the first time you’ve ever refused a narcissist’s attempt to vacuum your house, you can expect them to keep vacuuming your house.
They’re not taking your decision seriously. They’re just waiting for you to back down and give them what they want.
Related : Why do Narcissists Copy You in What You Do and Say?
However, they may change their intrusive tactics and escalate them if they sense that you may be ignoring their behavior.
Unfortunately, this will only reinforce the intrusion if you have a history of breaking up and getting back together.
The narcissist has learned, through experience, that you’re not really going anywhere, so they will use your past behavior as a way to try to secure you back into a relationship with them.
2 They Start Apologizing
Some narcissists become overly apologetic as another way to intrude on people. These apologies may sound sincere, such as,
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’ll never do it again. Please just talk to me.” Or they may try to take some responsibility, such as, “I know I lose my temper all the time. I really need to work on my anger, and I really see that now. I’m so sorry. This won’t happen anymore.”
It can be difficult to hear these apologies, especially if you’re in the midst of a toxic relationship.
Remember, actions speak louder than words. It’s very easy for a narcissist to say something that sounds good, but try to think about their history.
Do you really see him reining in his narcissistic impulses? Do you really trust him to be kind, calm, and empathetic in the future?
3 They’ll pretend like you didn’t reject them
Some narcissists will act like everything is fine, and your rejection wasn’t real, even if you ignore them.
This is a manipulation technique — they want to act calm and unfazed to show that they’re not bothered by what you’re doing. They act like your behavior is so insignificant that they don’t even notice it.
This basically means they’ll continue to contact you as if you never stopped talking to them. They may even text you as if everything is normal.
4 Their narcissistic rage will show
The more you ignore a narcissist, the more their anger will flare up. Narcissists want to be in control, so even the slightest hint that someone is setting healthy boundaries can be disastrous for them.
Narcissistic anger comes in many forms, but it can look like this:
Intense, intense outbursts of anger
Explosive behavior (and an inability to control it)
Deliberately trying to hurt others (i.e., domestic violence)
Ignoring interactions with others
Neglecting to do important tasks
Passive-aggressive behavior
Avoiding
Acting with extreme aggression or resentment
Cutting off relationships with people completely
This anger isn’t just about their anger. Anger is a highly manipulative display of emotion designed to intimidate and demoralize others.
A narcissist wants you to feel guilty for ignoring them, and they will do everything they can to provoke some kind of reaction from you.
5 They’ll Give You That Thing You’ve Always Wanted
Sometimes narcissists will make a last-ditch effort to save the relationship. They may show up on your doorstep with an engagement ring (after telling you they never want to get married).
Or they may text you a photo of themselves at a therapy office (after refusing to go for years or months).
These empty promises can be especially hard on loved ones. You want to give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are taking responsibility for past mistakes.
Related ! How to Force a Narcissistic Breakdown?
But this is just another form of disguised love bombing. Once they win you back, they won’t follow through on their empty words.
6 They’ll Try to Destroy Your Reputation
Some narcissists respond to being ignored by going all-out on the attack. This can often look like an attempt to discredit you in front of others in order to gain sympathy and attention. They want to appear as the “good guy,” and you’re the problem.
Defamation can include spreading lies, but it can also include exploiting your truth.
If you share anything with a narcissist, you can expect them to use it against you.
For example, if he knows you’re concerned as a parent, he might say something like,
“She was so busy raising kids. I don’t think she really wanted kids. It’s so heartbreaking. But I’m going to make sure our kids have everything they need. They deserve it.”
7 They’ll blame you for ruining everything
Narcissists generally respond to rejection by projecting themselves. They can’t imagine any legitimate reason why you’re ignoring them, so they make it seem like you did everything wrong.
You’re the one who’s being cruel or insensitive. You’re the one who’s ignoring them and not giving the relationship another chance. You’re the main problem!
8 They’ll quickly move on to another relationship
Narcissists can’t go long without a steady stream of supplies. Instead of sweeping you off your feet, they may focus all their efforts on moving on as quickly as possible.
This explains why narcissists often have a history of intense, serious relationships. They can’t stand being alone. They also hope that finding out they’re in a new relationship will make you jealous.
9 They’ll Keep Sending Expensive Gifts
Some narcissists resort to gift-giving when they’ve been rejected. These gifts serve as a way to show remorse or signal a change in behavior.
It’s also a form of love bombing, and you can certainly expect a narcissist to give you the sweetest things ever during the worst moments of your relationship.
10 They’ll Hurt Themselves
Some narcissists respond to being ignored by becoming self-destructive. For example, covert or vulnerable narcissists may engage in self-harm or even suicide due to rejection.
Related : Are Narcissists Often Hypochondriacs?
Other narcissists may engage in substance abuse, eating disorders, compulsive gambling, or other vices as a way to deal with their emotional pain.
11 They’ll make dramatic statements or keep having crises
One of the most obvious signs of vacuum cleaner addiction is that the narcissist is constantly having crises. They’re having a medical emergency.
Their mom is sick. Their depression is escalating, and they’re not sure where to turn. Their dog is sick—do you want to say goodbye before you die?
Of all the vacuum cleaner addiction behaviors, these crises can be some of the most challenging for people to deal with.
The narcissist is betting that you still care about their emotional health, but they’re using that against you to stay connected.
12 They’ll keep playing the victim
Even if you’re no longer in contact with the narcissist, you can expect them to play the victim to anyone who asks what happened to your relationship.
If he continues to communicate with any of your family members or mutual friends, he will take every opportunity to tear you down while proving his worth and righteousness.
Why do narcissists clean?
Narcissists clean primarily because they want attention.
Cleaning can be a successful manipulation tactic that allows narcissists to regain control and power in their relationships. Narcissists may clean with romantic partners, family members, or friends.
What’s the best way to respond to narcissistic cleaning?
If you want to set healthy boundaries in your relationship, you need to do everything you can to maintain those boundaries.
People with personality disorders often ignore boundaries and make the relationship revolve around them.
If boundaries aren’t working, you may need to reevaluate whether you want to stay in the relationship and whether it’s truly serving you.
Should you settle for a narcissistic partner again?
Only you can make that decision. Narcissists often try to convince their partners that they’ve changed or that things will be better in the future.
But personality traits tend to be stable over time, and a narcissist’s sense of grandeur moving through the world is unlikely to change (without serious effort and preparation).
Staying in an abusive relationship can be detrimental to your self-esteem and your physical and mental health.
Why Do You Feel Guilty When Ignoring a Narcissist?
You’re likely to feel guilty when you ignore a narcissist. Even if you know you’re making the right decision, narcissistic abuse can chip away at your self-esteem and make you question your intentions.
Feeling guilty means you’re compassionate and don’t want to hurt others. However, people with narcissism feed off of others’ guilt.
The only real way to break free from the cycle of abuse is to move forward with your own healing, no matter how guilty you feel.
Over time, you’ll see that taking care of yourself is never the wrong choice.
