Narcissists, with their inflated sense of self-importance, profound lack of empathy, and insatiable desire for admiration, create complex webs of manipulation and control. They thrive on narcissistic display—a term that includes the attention, praise, and emotional responses they receive from others to validate their inflated self-perception and maintain their ego. This is why a narcissist is likely to have an extreme reaction when he or she loses control of someone who has been a source of narcissistic supply.
These reactions can range from shock and aggression to manipulative affection and even outright neglect. Navigating these turbulent waters can be difficult, but with understanding and fortitude, it is possible to head toward the shores of healing and recovery.
This journey begins with learning about the stages a narcissist typically goes through when he or she loses control over you, and preparing yourself for the emotional turmoil that may ensue.
Initial shock
A narcissist’s first reaction when he loses control over you is shock.
He is used to having you around to feed his ego, satisfy his needs, and satisfy his whims. So your sudden independence is a stunning blow to his sense of superiority and control.
The narcissist will initially be left confused when his tried and tested manipulative strategies and mind games no longer work for you.
This is because a large part of his self-identity depends on his ability to exert influence on others.
When this control slips away, it disrupts the narcissist’s carefully constructed reality, sending them into a state of shock and disbelief.
Displacement stage
When the initial shock dissipates, the narcissist enters a phase of intense reaction often referred to as the “attack” phase. This is a crucial juncture where the narcissist’s true colors come out in full force.
Stripped of its control and threatened by your newfound independence, it will resort to a barrage of tactics designed to destabilize you and restore its dominance.
The attack can take many forms; It can be overt or covert, depending on the narcissist’s personality and preferred manipulation strategies.
An outright attack may include a torrent of hurtful comments, accusations, and blame.
He will try to undermine your self-worth with derogatory remarks or belittle your accomplishments until you feel inadequate.
These are desperate attempts to instill self-doubt, making you question your decision to cut ties and possibly forcing you back into their control.
Secret tactics include guilt, reliving the past, imagined debt, or playing the victim to manipulate your emotions.
He will accuse you of being ungrateful or uncaring, trying to stir up feelings of guilt and obligation that might force you back into his sphere of influence.
If all else fails, the narcissist’s hostility can escalate into outright aggression.
This behavior stems from what is called narcissistic rage, which is a volatile reaction that arises when his sense of superiority is threatened.
It is a defense mechanism, an intense response to narcissistic wounding that the narcissist experiences when he or she loses control over you.
Love bombing stage
If the attack is unsuccessful, the narcissist will likely resort to a markedly different strategy – the “love bombing” phase.
This stage is characterized by a sudden shift from hostility to excessive displays of affection and attention.
The sudden change can be confusing, but it’s important to remember that this is often another manipulative ploy designed to bring you back into their control.
During the love bombing phase, the narcissist will shower you with affection, gifts, compliments, and grand gestures of love.
He may make extravagant promises about the future, vowing to change his ways and paint a picture of a harmonious life together.
These gestures can be incredibly convincing, especially if you are still emotionally entangled with the narcissist.
In some cases, the narcissist may express sincere remorse for his past behavior. He may admit his mistakes, apologize profusely, and promise to do better.
While it may be tempting to believe in their repentance, it is important to realize that this is only a calculated step to regain lost control.
The love bombing phase can be especially difficult because it plays on your hopes and emotions.
This may rekindle feelings of love and compassion, making it difficult to maintain your decision to break free.
However, recognizing this stage for what it is—a manipulation tactic—can help you remain steadfast in your resolve.
Ignoring stage
When all his strategies fail to bring you back, the narcissist will likely move into the “ignoring” phase.
This is the point at which he breaks off ties, often suddenly and without clear explanation. The surprise of this procedure can leave you confused and hurt. It’s a stark contrast to his love bombing phase where he seemed so desperate to get you back.
However, as difficult as it may be, it is important to realize that this is the ultimate confirmation of your success in breaking free from his control.
In the ignoring phase, the narcissist will cut off all contact or even go so far as to act as if you never existed in his life. This sudden coldness can be very unsettling, especially considering the intensity of the relationship you may have shared.
He may quickly start a new relationship, posting a barrage of “happy” photos on social media to heighten your feelings of rejection.
However, the ignoring stage is not about you; It is about the narcissist’s inability to accept that he no longer has control over you.
His sudden departure is an attempt to protect his fragile ego from the humiliation of losing his hold on you.
His new relationship is nothing but an attempt to create a new source of narcissistic supply, because he is unable to survive without the attention and validation of others.
While the elimination phase can be incredibly painful, it also marks an important turning point. It’s the clearest sign yet that you are no longer under the narcissist’s control. It is an opportunity for you to finally close this chapter and focus on healing and rebuilding your life.
Hoover phase
The “wandering” phase is another tactic in a narcissist’s arsenal, often used after the ignoring phase.
Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, it refers to the narcissist’s attempts to “put you back” into the cycle of abuse, even after they appear to have cut ties. This can happen weeks, months, or even years after the relationship ends.
During the levity phase, the narcissist will reach out to you unexpectedly, often using familiar manipulative tactics.
They may send nostalgic messages, remind you of the “good times” you shared, or express remorse and promise change, reflecting the love bombing phase.
They may also try to provoke a reaction by creating drama or feigning a crisis, hoping to exploit your empathetic nature.
This stage is not about true remorse or a desire for reconciliation. Instead, it is about the narcissist’s need for attention, an ego boost, or a way to fill the void left by the loss of his narcissistic reserve.
A narcissistic episode can be triggered when the narcissist feels abandoned or unsupported or feels that you are moving on without them.
It is their last attempt to regain control and reassert their power over you. In some cases, they may use this as a means of retaliation, punishing you for asserting your independence.
Recognizing the signs of bullying and understanding its purpose is crucial in maintaining your boundaries and protecting yourself from further harm.
It is recommended that you remain firm in your decision to keep your distance, regardless of the tactics they use.
Remember that the flight stage is not a sign that their behavior has changed; It’s a sign of their constant manipulation.
how to deal
Dealing with the effects of a narcissistic relationship can be truly challenging. The emotional turmoil and confusion a person leaves in their wake can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that your self-worth is not determined by the narcissist’s reaction.
First, it’s important to remind yourself that you are more than just the negative narrative they spread around you.
Their constant criticism, manipulation, and belittlement were tactics to control you, not a reflection of your true personality.
Reclaim your identity and self-esteem by focusing on your strengths, accomplishments, and personal growth.
