• It is not always obvious that an individual has high narcissistic traits, but the individual’s subjective response to an encounter is an important first indicator.
• Be aware of the feeling that you have “disappeared” in a conversation, that your opinions are invalid, or that the other person is manipulating you.
• Being attuned to these and other responses can help people protect themselves from manipulation or exploitation.

On the first day of my clinical training, decades ago, a mentally ill woman ran up to me in a psychiatric ward and excitedly told me that she was the current wife of President John F. Kennedy. This was 11 years after Kennedy’s assassination. I have learned that most people with mental disorders do not advertise their mental illnesses directly and dramatically. In the case of narcissism, there are those who present a caricature of narcissistic personality disorder—grandiose, boastful, endlessly boastful, arrogant, entitled, and oblivious to the existence of others. But often, narcissists, especially those with major narcissistic traits rather than a full-blown disorder, do not readily reveal themselves.

Evidence of some of these traits, such as a preoccupation with envy, a sense of entitlement, or a tendency to manipulate or exploit, may only emerge over time and exposure. Furthermore, there are also thought to be subtypes of (“covert” or “vulnerable”) narcissism that display grandiosity not through overt bragging but through an exaggerated capacity to experience injustice or humiliation. Not surprisingly, people who come into contact with narcissists seeking help often describe an initially charming and engaging person who appears unusually attentive and caring. The red flags may not have been noticed for months or even years.

In my clinical work, I often find that my first inkling that I am dealing with a narcissistic patient arises from my own rather subtle feelings and reactions, which I experienced before I could grasp the more objective diagnostic indicators. These interactions have become familiar to me, indicating the need to prepare for an encounter with a narcissist. Below is my attempt to unpack the subjective experiences that accompany contact with a narcissist. I hope this will not only validate the feelings you may already have, but perhaps provide warning signs if you are entering such a relationship.

Disappearance

Perhaps the defining experience that might indicate an encounter with a narcissist is the feeling of disappearing or ceasing to exist. Psychoanalysts used to refer to the feeling of sitting with a narcissist as entering a “dependent existence.” Your sense of self becomes diminished or diminished as your attention is swallowed up by an individual preoccupied with his or her own importance. Sometimes, this can lead to a sense of paralysis and oppressive boredom.

You may occasionally think of something to say or contribute, but you are forced to interrupt a massive stream of discourse, and there is a dissenting mental voice saying, “Why do you care?” Not only do you not matter, but there is no “you” that matters. It is a common fantasy that your role is replaced by a recording that repeats “I see” or “wow” at regular intervals. These fantasies are the hallmarks of narcissistic encounters.

Feeling Invalid

Closely related to the feeling of disappearance is the feeling of not being able to acknowledge reality as you live it. In our ordinary interactions with people, we often see things differently, but there is room for discussion and engagement. On the other hand, the narcissistic worldview is highly distorted and limited. Attention is focused on evidence (real or imagined) that they are special or admired.

Contradictory perceptions—for example, a waiter muttering angrily to himself about the narcissist’s rudeness—are simply ignored. However, signs of disrespect, or lack of adequate attention or recognition, become a major concern. It is interesting to listen carefully to the narcissist’s narrative, noting the distortions in who did what to whom, what actually happened versus what is believed, what is omitted, and how subtle changes in perceived intentions are used to protect the narcissist’s intolerance of criticism or dissent. The message is clear: no disagreement will be tolerated.

The overall result is to keep you silent, not only by censoring disagreement but also by possibly questioning your connection to reality. This process is particularly disturbing for children of narcissistic parents, who may grow up learning that their perceptions are “wrong” and cannot be talked about. When you express your version of events, he will meet you with resentment and anger.

Feeling Manipulated

For the narcissist, the primary goal of any relationship is to enlist ego boosts. As a result, their energy is often directed toward marginalizing you into a pre-determined role, such as admirer, subordinate, confidant, ornament, or passive companion. When you try to step out of this role, to be yourself, you will be met with angry accusations of disloyalty. Although the narcissist often has little personal experience with guilt, they are often adept at using it as a weapon. Inspiring guilt in you becomes a powerful tool to keep you on your path.

When you enter this role, often out of a sense of obligation, you feel manipulated and exploited. This leads to internal anger as well as feelings of powerlessness. You begin to dread the next desired encounter, but you feel powerless to object. You may make up insincere excuses to avoid contact, but the power (and energy) lies with the narcissist.

Feeling Humiliated

Narcissists are drawn to self-flattering stories about the ways they got their way by abusing or controlling others. Their naked pursuit of attention, power, and approval may shock you. Narcissists tend to justify their treatment of others as not only permissible but even a worthy response to some imagined abuse. You may find their condescending treatment of “lesser” people, such as waiters, salespeople, and others, ugly and embarrassing. All of this behavior, which highlights a profound lack of empathy for others, may offend you on a moral level.

In order to maintain a relationship with a narcissist, these feelings of rejection must be suppressed or pushed out of awareness, but they color your judgment nonetheless. There may even be a sense of moral contamination, as if you are complicit in the narcissist’s treatment of others. To the extent that the narcissist feels you disapprove, you may be blamed for making judgments or criticized for your own moral failings.

What Your Subconscious Mind Is Trying to Tell You

The above provides a blueprint for paying attention to our own anticipated responses to encounters with people on the narcissistic spectrum. If we listen carefully to our reactions, and begin to take them more seriously, we will be paying attention to a valuable source of information about the world. We may also learn to protect ourselves from exploitation or manipulation.