It is not always clear whether an individual has a high degree of narcissistic traits, but the individual’s subjective response to confrontation is an important initial indicator.

Be aware of the feeling that someone has “disappeared” during the conversation, that their opinions have been invalidated, or that the other person is being manipulated.

Adapting to these and other reactions can help people protect themselves from manipulation or exploitation.

On the first day of my clinical training, decades ago, a mentally ill woman ran into the psychiatric ward and excitedly told me that she was the current wife of President John F. Kennedy. This was 11 years after Kennedy’s assassination. I would like to learn that most people with mental disorders do not announce their mental illness directly and dramatically. In the case of narcissism, there are those who present a caricature of narcissistic personality disorder – arrogant, boastful, endlessly bragging, haughty, entitled, oblivious to the existence of others. But often, narcissists, especially those with major narcissistic traits rather than full-blown disorder, don’t reveal themselves so easily.

Evidence of some of these traits, such as a preoccupation with envy, a sense of entitlement, or a tendency to manipulate or exploit, may come into focus only with time and exposure. Furthermore, there are also thought to be narcissistic subtypes (“covert” or “vulnerable”) who display grandiosity not through overt boasting but through an exaggerated ability to experience grievance or belittlement. It’s no wonder that when people in relationships with narcissists seek help, they often give a description of a charming, attractive person who initially seemed unusually attentive and caring. Red flags may have gone unnoticed for months or even years.

In my clinical work, I often find that my first inkling that I am dealing with a narcissistic patient arises from my own fairly subtle feelings and reactions, which I experienced well before I was able to understand the more objective diagnostic indicators. These reactions have become familiar to me, indicating the need to prepare to confront narcissism. Below is my attempt to unpack the personal experiences that accompany contact with a narcissistic individual. I hope this not only validates feelings you may already have, but perhaps provides warning signs should you enter into such a relationship.

“Disappearance”

Perhaps the signature experience that may indicate an encounter with a narcissist is the feeling of yourself disappearing or ceasing to exist. Psychoanalysts used to refer to the feeling of sitting with a narcissistic patient as entering a “dependent existence.” Your sense of self becomes small or diminished when your attention is swallowed up by an individual preoccupied with their own importance. At times, it can cause a feeling of paralysis and oppressive boredom.

Related : 8 Life Setbacks and Failures of Narcissists

Sometimes you might think of something to say or contribute, but you’ll have to interrupt a huge stream of discourse, and there’s a dissenting mental voice that says, “Why bother?” It’s not just that you don’t matter, it’s that there’s no “you” that matters. There is a common fantasy that your turn can be replaced by a recording that repeats “I see” or “Cool” at regular intervals. These fantasies are the hallmarks of narcissistic encounters.

Feeling of invalidity

It is closely related to the feeling of invisibility, which is the feeling that the reality you are experiencing cannot be acknowledged. In our ordinary dealings with people, we often see things differently, but there is room for discussion and engagement. On the other hand, the narcissistic worldview is deeply distorted and limited. Attention is focused on evidence (real or imagined) that they are special or admired. Dissenting perceptions are simply ignored – for example, the waiter angrily muttering to himself over the narcissist’s rudeness. However, signs of disrespect, or insufficient attention or recognition, become a major concern.

It is interesting to listen carefully to the narcissist’s narrative, noting distortions in who did what to whom, what actually happened versus what they believed, what was omitted, and how subtle changes in projected intentions are used to shield the narcissist’s intolerance of criticism or dissent. . The message is clear that any disagreement will not be tolerated. The overall effect is to render you voiceless, not only censoring disagreement but perhaps doubting your connection to reality. This process is especially disturbing for children of narcissistic parents, who may grow up knowing that their perceptions are “wrong” and cannot be talked about. When you express your version of events, you will be met with condescension and anger.

Feeling manipulated

For the narcissist, the primary goal of any relationship is to recruit an ego boost. As a result, their energies are often directed toward moving you into a predetermined role, such as admirer, subordinate, confidant, decoration, or passive companion. When you try to step out of this role and be yourself, you will face angry accusations of disloyalty. Although the narcissist often has little real personal experience with guilt, they are often adept at using it as a weapon. Inspiring guilt within you becomes a powerful tool to keep you on your set path.

Related : How to Determine If Someone You Care About Is a Narcissist

While participating in this role, often out of a sense of obligation, you feel manipulated and exploited. This leads to internal anger as well as a feeling of helplessness. You begin to fear the next meeting you want, but you feel powerless to object. You may make insincere excuses to avoid contact, but the power (and energy) lies with the narcissist.

Feeling insulted

Narcissists are drawn to self-flattering stories about the ways they got their way by abusing or controlling others. Their shameless pursuit of attention, power, and approval may shock you. Narcissists tend to justify their treatment of others not only as permissible, but also as a worthy response to some imaginary abuse. You may find their condescending treatment of people of “lower” status, such as waiters, salespeople, etc., ugly and disgusting. All of this behavior, which highlights a profound lack of empathy for others, may offend you on a moral level.

In order to maintain a relationship with a narcissist, these feelings of rejection must be suppressed or pushed out of consciousness, but they nevertheless cloud your judgment. There may also be a feeling of moral contamination, as if you are complicit in the narcissist’s treatment of others. To the extent that the narcissist senses your disapproval, you may be blamed for being judgmental or criticized for your moral failings.

What is your subconscious trying to tell you?

The above provides an outline for attention to our subjective, predictable responses to encounters with people on the narcissistic spectrum. If we listen carefully to our reactions, and start taking them seriously, we become a valuable source of information about the world. We may also learn to protect ourselves from exploitation or manipulation.