Narcissists have a distorted and selfish view of the world, and their definition of family is different
In my experience with a covert narcissistic mother, an arrogant narcissistic ex-husband, and several other family members who score high on the narcissism spectrum, I have come to some conclusions about what family means to narcissists. It is important to note that many of my conclusions came after my divorce and cutting off contact with my parents.
# Dramatic presentation
Narcissists need drama because the world they live in, and have created, is a fantasy world.
The lifeblood of fiction is drama. Narcissists see their family as an always-available source of drama.
If there is no drama they will incite some.
That’s why, when you’re enjoying a quiet, peaceful day, your narcissist will make weird accusations, tell you that a family member did something terrible, or do something else that will cause a scene. You may feel like the incident came out of nowhere, but to the narcissist, it is very intentional.
Related : Lost Connection: How To Heal From Emotional Neglect In Marriage And Find Hope
#Servants
One of the best ways narcissists use to make themselves feel important is to get others to do things for them.
Treating family like servants is common for narcissists because it satisfies them in many ways.
This means they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do, and this aligns with their sense of entitlement. It also elevates them above other family members – I am the queen and maid. Having family members at their service gives them a sense of control over the members individually and collectively; Control is essential for the narcissist.
# Supporting entities
Never suspect that the narcissist is the star of the script they have written for their fake world.
They will never share top billing with anyone else, especially not family members. But they realize that a star must have supporting actors to be a star. Narcissists believe they have been given a family so they have a supporting cast.
This is why they take credit for the achievements of family members and frown or throw a tantrum if someone else attracts attention.
Props
Narcissists view family members as props. Narcissists use family members to prove their superiority, and a mother uses her children to prove her superiority in parenting.
They rely on family members to support the shaky fantasy world and one-dimensional false self they have created.
They expect their family to preserve their very fragile ego. The narcissist may fall flat on their faces without the support they receive from their families, but of course, they don’t admit it.
Related: The Disarming Truth About Whether True Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists
#financial aid
Narcissists have an intense sense of entitlement to things that belong to others.
They sincerely believe they have the right and will punish anyone who challenges this entitlement. Money is one of their favorite entitlements because it is flexible.
They may not want the things you have, your job, or anything about you, but they will gladly take your money and use it to their advantage. This can happen when the division of financial responsibility is unequal or unreasonable between spouses.
It may take the form of a parent buying things for himself instead of things his children need. This often comes up in comments about how a family member owes the narcissist for something they did, usually something that was their responsibility anyway like giving birth or providing a home to live in.
#The perpetrator is like the victim to them
Covert narcissists often use the victim role to satisfy their narcissistic needs. All narcissists play the victim if it gets them out of a difficult situation and prevents them from taking responsibility. But every victim needs a criminal or aggressor.
Narcissists feel very comfortable pretending that their family members are abusing them.
Why not, the family is comfortable and the narcissist knows how to make them accept the role of the bad guy.
The narcissist gets two when he is an abuser, but he can switch roles so that he is seen as the victim and the real victim becomes the abuser. In this common scenario, they avoid responsibility for their bad behavior and punish a family member who was not present in the scenario. In my experience, narcissists enjoy making family members seem like they are wrong or abusive.
#The loser is the same as the winner
Everything is a competition for the narcissist. Narcissists must win all competitions.
These two beliefs by the narcissist mean that family members are put on the ground to lose so that the narcissist can win. A narcissist is like a gambler who bets on anything and will make major life events, day jobs, and anything in between into contests. They will set up situations just so they can beat family members at something.
They will create circumstances that make them appear smarter than their family members. If they make a mistake, they will mention a time when a family member failed at something. Narcissists must experience constant winning, and this puts their family members in the crosshairs every day.
#heaviness
A burden is a burden, hindrance, inconvenience, impediment, handicap, or inconvenience.
If a family member is not included in the script, they are a liability to the narcissist. It’s a question of, “If you’re not with me, you’re against me.”
The key point here is that if a family member does something to themselves or anyone other than the narcissist, it does not count as being with the narcissist.
If a family member is not fulfilling at least one of the roles mentioned earlier in this article, they are a burden to the narcissist. For the narcissist, there is only black and white, right and wrong, and for or against; Narcissists are unable to see gray or nuance.
If a family member does not help the narcissist maintain his false self and false world, he or she is a liability.
Final thought: I think that if narcissists didn’t get so many distorted personal benefits from having a family, they wouldn’t have a family. They don’t have families because they want someone to love and share with, they have families so that they have a useful source of supply.
Related: How To ‘Completely Disarm A Narcissist,’ According To A Diagnosed Narcissist
