It’s always easier to see things logically and give sound advice from the outside by looking in.
When you see someone suffering from emotional or physical abuse, it’s only natural to wonder why they didn’t just leave the bad relationship.
Deep down, we know this is much easier said than done — but why?
The answer lies in the traumatic connectivity associated with the narcissistic abuse syndrome and its relationship to the victim’s addiction.
huh?
Every addict knows the infamous “pink cloud” well. You get sober for a few weeks. Your brain chemistry resets itself. You start to feel like you are on top of the world!
Next thing you know, you’ve relapsed. The same concept applies to abusive relationships—especially with narcissists because of their manipulative behaviour. Here’s how…
Narcissistic abuse syndrome and addiction relationship
Before we move on to information about rosacea, it is important to explain the similarities between addiction and narcissistic abuse.
No one gets into a bad relationship voluntarily – just as no one makes a formal decision to become a heroin addict or an alcoholic.
Maybe start with a few drinks every night after work to unwind. You slip up often and overdo it but hey, it’s just an evil hangover, right?
You are an adult. Why not have a nice Sunday brunch and sleep the rest of the day away? It’s your day off – you earned it.
Who cares if you mix some vodka into Gatorade for your daily drink at the kids’ soccer game? You don’t hurt anyone.
Alcoholism is a perfect analogy for the addiction you experience during an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Why? Because occasional alcoholism—like routinely drinking on weekends and staying ahead of work until 5 p.m.—has become so normal.
When you suffer from narcissistic abuse, you begin to feel completely normal.
Or maybe your relationship with a narcissist is like heroin addiction.
You’ve always known it was wrong from the start but you’ve found that some dates or chats won’t hurt – you can end them at any time. Now it’s too late and you’re stuck.
How the interconnection of trauma and neurochemicals keeps you going
Everyone now knows that it is silly and ignorant to ask an addict “why don’t you stop drinking/using?”
For starters, there is physical dependence. In heroin addiction, withdrawal is excruciating. In alcohol or benzodiazepine withdrawal, it can literally kill you. Going cold turkey is not desirable or even an option for many people.
However, there is also the good feeling and happiness that you get from taking drugs or drinking.
At the onset of addiction, highs occur more often and are more exhilarating. Later, addicts find that they hardly get drunk or get high at all anymore.
The same is true for victims of narcissistic abuse and it happens because dysfunctional relationship dynamics cause us to become attached to the trauma…but more than that, addicted to our own neurochemicals – activating the same pleasure centers in our brain as any other type of addiction, including Including drugs and alcohol.
This is because the brain releases a surge of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine during the love-bombing phase of a relationship, but also during fling attempts.
The narcissist will start a fight, manipulate everything you say, shoot you, hurl insults, and make you feel completely worthless. Then, he’ll shower you with compliments, gifts, and affection — temporarily, of course.
They want to be your only source of joy and they put that “high” over your head with shock (withdrawal). You can’t leave the relationship because you’re chasing a traumatic bonding peak.
At this point, addicts may genuinely try to quit. They will probably buy “enough” to reduce their dose but it won’t work. In many cases, the victim of narcissistic abuse syndrome will think “Maybe this will be the time to change forever.”
The truth is, a narcissist will never change. He or she is just taking advantage of those “good times” to keep you hooked and guilt you into staying if you ever dare to think about leaving.
What is a pink cloud?
If you’ve ever spent time in addiction recovery settings, you’ve certainly heard of the pink cloud — and its dangers.
Once you’ve been sober for a while, you start to feel a sense of relief in life – quite literally – as your brain balances itself out. The problem is that this high is temporary and is often followed by a mild bout of depression as you adjust to your new life without any material to break the silence.
When you let go of a narcissist, you may feel like you are on top of the world and nothing can stop you.
You may have gone “no contact” with your abusive mother. Perhaps you finally moved out of your abusive partner’s apartment and started rebuilding. Either way, you feel completely liberated.
Just like an addict on the verge of relapse, you’re telling yourself “One text can’t hurt — just to see what he’s up to.” Just like an addict, you start to remember all the good times you had together and cross out all the abuse.
Sometimes, the narcissist will break their silent treatment with a touching message and create a pink cloud experience. She looks really real this time!
You may blame yourself again. It is common for you to start to doubt your own logical thoughts at this point.
Don’t fall for it. The narcissist knows what you love about them. They also know what you hate. They are simply using your feelings and saying what you want to hear so they can manipulate you into staying in the relationship.
Make no mistake: the abuse will continue.
5 signs that you are cloudy and pink
Sometimes you will experience a pink cloud after you leave the narcissist. Other times, you may not have made the decision to leave but are still going through withdrawals from the narcissist’s silent treatment.
Depending on your condition, keep an eye out for these signs that you need to stay sober and start recovering for good.
You are justifying. The narcissist was just stressed out and didn’t mean what he said during that final fight. You’re not innocent either – who is?
Yolo. If you feel like your emotions are strong and the narcissist hasn’t given up yet, there must be something going on, right? What if this is the love of your life and you are dumping him?
Just one more time. One text/date/one conversation never hurts. They seem to care now and now is what matters. Why not give them another chance?
You feel dizzy. The narcissist showers you with affection and feels like the early stages of a relationship again. Cross out all the bad times in favor of this fleeting feeling.
You isolate yourself. You stopped texting your friends or the support system about the relationship and pretended everything was fine again.
How to break the spell of narcissistic abuse syndrome
To avoid falling into the pink cloud, the first step is to go No Contact. Just as an addict cannot teach himself moderation – we cannot believe that we can manage contact. You need to cut out the narcissist completely.
If you share child custody, you’ll want to implement Extreme Modified Contact.
But letting go of the narcissist is only a small part of recovery. You also need to build support systems to avoid relapse. In many cases, you may find that you need to develop new supportive relationships because the narcissist has isolated you from all of your friends and family.
Like an addict, learning healthy self-care and identity building are crucial to recovery. Once you build an identity and strengthen yourself, you will be less likely to relapse with the ex-narcissist or any future narcissist who enters your life.
Remember though: the possibility of relapse never goes away. We must always be vigilant and remember where we come from.
