Gaslighting is a popular word lately. But what does it look like in a relationship? Here are 6 signs that your relationship isn’t as healthy as it could be.

The term “gaslighting” was officially added to the Oxford Dictionary in 2018, and is relatively new to our lexicon. At the time of its addition, it was unfortunately ranked as one of the most popular words of the year. Although the term may be new, this practice has undoubtedly been around forever. But what does gaslighting in relationships actually look like? Learning how to recognize the signs of deception and false guilt can help you stay in control and get out of a toxic relationship quickly and safely.

What is gaslighting in relationships?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where the abuser twists things and turns everything upside down to distort their victim’s reality. Their manipulation makes their victim question their reason, memory, and judgment. Relationship manipulation is a deceptive power play where one person uses lies and deception to undermine the other and change the power dynamic. The unfortunate truth about gaslighting is that it can happen to anyone, at any age, and in any type of relationship. Gaslighters often rely on a few tactics to manipulate their victims. Here are some of the usual suspects you should get to know.

They make you question your reality

One big red flag of gaslighting is when your partner makes you question your experiences and reality by blatantly denying the things that are right in front of you. Often times, this looks like denying that they said something you just heard them say or denying that they did something you clearly saw them do. The danger of this tactic is that, over time, it wears down your confidence until you finally stop trusting your perception of reality altogether.

Persistent Lies

Gaslighters use lies to manipulate and control their partners. These lies often cause you to further doubt your recollection of events and things that were said. The scary thing about gaslighters is that even if you give them proof of their lies, they can boldly deny it (and stick to their story) to make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

They belittle your feelings

Gas workers further undermine their victim’s reality by belittling their feelings. In an attempt to belittle your feelings and make you feel like you’re wrong, gaslighters will try to convince you that you’re “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” They will belittle your feelings to the point where you feel foolish and question your feelings.

They alienate you from your family and friends

Often times, gaslighters will try (and succeed) to alienate their partners from friends and family. By removing any type of support system, the abuser is robbing you of your strength and resources in order to move away from you. Gas workers will also do their best to discredit you in front of others. Rumors and gossip help them drive a wedge into your other relationships and potential sources of help. Gas workers (and their victims) believe that with no one else around, they are your only source of companionship and affection, driving you further into their clutches.

They constantly shift the blame to you

Without fail, gaslighters will absolve themselves of any guilt in fights and arguments. When you react to your partner’s behavior or lies, he or she will immediately flip the script, shifting the blame onto you. And before you know it, it was all your fault, and you’re the one apologizing. Gas workers often take this a step further and make themselves look like the victim.

Throwing positive reinforcement

One day your abuser tells you you’re wrong and maybe crazy, and the next day your abuser showers you with kind words and praise. This leads you to believe (again) that maybe you are wrong, and that they are not so bad after all. A mixed bag of praise and blame is just another ploy to keep you out of control and under their control. This tactic is particularly dangerous. It makes victims see a glimmer of hope in those kind words, and is essentially what makes them stay in an abusive relationship longer than they should. Kind words often fuel false hope that the abuser can change and things will get better. In fact, gaslighting in relationships sounds more like emotional abuse. It is where one person seeks to keep the other in a constant state of imbalance and self-doubt. While the tactics are slightly different, the desired result is the same. Gaslighters want you to doubt yourself, doubt your perception of reality, and your judgment, all in an attempt to keep you under their control. It is important to know that gaslighting can escalate into physical violence. So, recognizing the signs early is crucial to your health and safety.