Narcissists are incredibly complex creatures; on one hand, they can be so self-absorbed that you think they don’t see you, and at other times they can love bombard you so hard that you don’t know how to walk away from them.

So what does a narcissist want in a relationship with a hot and cold personality?

The answer is quite simple: themselves. They want someone who will make them feel good at all costs. Sometimes that means they need mountains of praise and admiration from you.

Other times, they want to enjoy a fantasy relationship where all the drug-like passion they feel at the beginning of the relationship lasts forever. They don’t want a relationship that requires work, which, unfortunately, is perfectly healthy.

10 Traits Narcissists Want in a Partner

Narcissists typically look for a very specific type of partner. They need someone who is moldable, non-negotiable, and open to their manipulations.

They need someone who can make them feel powerful and who will never let go, no matter how they treat their partner.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may be wondering how they chose you—what parts of your personality attracted them? Here are some classic traits that narcissists look for in a romantic partner.

1 Loyalty

Most narcissists want someone they describe as loyal. They need to believe that you’ll support them unconditionally. Unfortunately, loyalty is a one-way street for them, and they want someone who will tolerate the abusive relationship.

Narcissistic partners rarely feel the need to show loyalty. Once they have extracted all they can from the relationship, they are ready to abandon you and move on to a new partner.

2 Someone Who Doesn’t Ask Questions

A narcissist’s ego is very fragile and does not stand up well to scrutiny. They do not like to be asked why they are acting a certain way and do not like their feelings to be examined.

Narcissists simply want the freedom to do and say whatever they want without facing many consequences.

3 Unstable Self-Esteem

Narcissists simultaneously want someone who will make them look good and someone they can control. A partner with low self-esteem will be easy to manipulate and may not have the high qualities they are looking for.

Partners with high self-esteem will not tolerate a narcissist’s ego and it is difficult to extract narcissistic supply from them.

What a narcissist needs is someone with unstable self-esteem, the kind of person who appears very composed on the outside but is insecure and easily hurt on the inside. Narcissists hone in on these weak points and use them as leverage points to secure more supplies when they are needed.

4 Guilt

A certain segment of people always feel guilty, even when it is not their fault. They replay situations over and over again, looking at what they may have done wrong that caused the negative outcome. They are often not responsible for the outcome and have no way of changing it.

Narcissists use this guilt to their advantage, turning every criticism or challenge from their partner into something they feel guilty about. If you call the narcissist cruel or manipulative, they may turn it around and say that you never acknowledge them for everything they do for the relationship.

5 Empathy

Empathetic people feel like they can experience their partner’s feelings as if they were their own. This makes them more able to understand the people around them and opens them up to manipulation.

Related : Why Do Narcissists Ignore You?

Narcissists use emotional displays to control; if they want someone to feel sorry for them, they put on a sad face, even if that’s not what they really feel.

6 Someone who feels responsible for others

Narcissists seem to have an inflated ego, but it’s very fragile and needs careful attention at all times. They need a partner who can reassure them and boost their ego whenever they need a dose of attention.

People who feel very responsible for others will do everything they can to make their partner feel safe, even when their partner manipulates that sense of responsibility.

7 High Status

Getting the opportunity to raise their personal status is crucial for a narcissist, and a great way to do this is to get a high status partner.

They obviously won’t care about a partner who has a higher status than them, as this would humiliate them.

The person with a similar status is the best, and they can then devalue this partner if they think they might outrank the narcissist in status.

8 Someone Who Puts Their Needs Aside

Narcissistic partners need someone who will put them first and ignore their emotional needs as long as the narcissist wants more exposure.

Often, these are people who grew up needing to fix a family situation—divorced parents, younger siblings who were neglected by their parents, or a relative with substance abuse issues.

These people are compelled to help others, even when it is detrimental to their physical or mental health. Narcissists cling to this, knowing that they will always be in control as long as their partner wants to fix their broken personality.

9 Negativity

Narcissists are always looking for situations where they have complete control. In a relationship, they need someone who is obedient, a partner who will just accompany them. Narcissists also want attention and praise for taking the lead in the relationship.

10 Forgiveness

A person who forgives easily and frequently is an ideal target for abusers. They need to know that all it takes to win their partner back is a bouquet of flowers and an apology.

Narcissists are unlikely to change their negative behaviors, so they will need an exceptionally forgiving partner for the relationship to work.

How Does a Narcissist Want to Feel in a Relationship?

Given the time and effort that goes into making a relationship work, it’s hard to believe that a selfish narcissist would want to go to any lengths to make it work.

Even though they don’t want a relationship in the first place, they do want the opportunity to feel good about themselves. These are some of the selfish feelings that narcissists chase when they’re in a relationship.

Feeling Powerful

One of the strongest feelings narcissists have is feeling powerful. They’re sure they should be setting the rules and setting the terms of life.

In a relationship, they need to be seen as the dominant force. If you challenge them in any way, you’ve irreversibly damaged their pride and are likely on your way to being ostracized.

Feeling More Important Than You Are

There’s nothing more annoying to a narcissist than someone who outshines them. This puts them in a difficult position because they can’t be with someone who makes them look bad, but they can also be without someone who might take the spotlight.

Narcissists must find a middle ground for their partner, so that they can feel superior to you, without feeling out of your league.

Feeling noticed

From their perspective, it always seems as if the world doesn’t acknowledge the narcissist’s incredible talents.

Whether it’s how good they look, how well they excel in their career, or something as simple as how they cook a meal, there’s never enough praise for the things a narcissist does.

Narcissists love it when their partner sees what they’re capable of and compliments them.

Feeling worshipped

Narcissists are filled with self-love and need their partner to feel the same love for them.

Not only that, but they need their partner to express this love to the fullest whenever they’re around, especially when no one else is around. Narcissists want others to see that their partner worships the ground they walk on.

Feeling in control

One of the hallmarks of narcissism is the desire to feel in control, at every moment.

It is the fragility of the ego that makes narcissists so dangerous; they can explode at any moment when they feel threatened.

As such, narcissists feel more comfortable (and easier to deal with) if they feel in control. They are also happier when they are in a relationship with someone they can control.

As with any relationship, a narcissist’s love is not just one thing. It takes many forms, but all of them are in service of the narcissist’s ego.

Falling in love is just a way of saying that they are getting a constant supply of narcissistic energy from the narcissist. These are some of the most common questions that come up in narcissistic relationships.

What do narcissists do in a relationship?

They want the power to get what they need. Narcissists have a hard time regulating their emotions on their own, so they look to outside sources to do so.

This regulation often comes from their romantic partner, and the narcissist expects their partner to fill the void in their ego whenever they feel a little insecure.

To ensure a constant source of energy, narcissists in relationships seek power and then exercise it ruthlessly. They want control and they get it by humiliating their partner until their self-esteem is as fragile as their own.

What do narcissists want from you?

A narcissist wants you to fill in every little crack in their selfishness. They want you to recognize all their good qualities and ignore the undesirable ones.

They want you to make them look better whenever you’re together. They want you to get out of their way when they’re looking for a new source of supply.

Most of all, they don’t want you to have any feelings that might override theirs. In their world, they’re the only one who matters.

What do narcissists do when a relationship ends?

The one thing you can always count on in a relationship with a narcissist is that it will end. What that ending looks like and how long it will last is an open question, but a narcissist will always tire of their source of supply at one point or another.

Most narcissistic relationships don’t end with a bang, but with a cry. Weeks or months before the narcissist ends the relationship, they will work to devalue you.

They want you to know how little you mean to them and need to convince themselves that you’re not worth staying for. This stage usually involves insults and emotional manipulation.

After the devaluation period, the narcissist dumps their partner—they cut ties and move on. This usually means they’ve found a new source of supply and no longer need their partner. Unfortunately, they may turn to their old partner later when the new source of supply fails.

How to Tell if a Narcissist Loves You?

They Don’t Love You. No matter what they tell you, a narcissist doesn’t love you in the normal sense of the word.

When the relationship begins, they may declare their undying love for you and say that you complete them as a person. This is a fleeting feeling.

They love the way you make them feel, and you can’t keep that feeling going forever. Narcissists are always bored with their source of supply; The novelty of a new partner is too intoxicating to miss.

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

Dating or marrying a narcissist is always a lose-lose option for the partner.

The narcissist will never care about your needs and any love directed towards you will be in the service of the narcissist getting what they need.

Unless the narcissist can overcome their personality disorder, they will only care about themselves.

Your best option is to leave the relationship, or if you have been dumped, cut off contact with the narcissist so they never come back.