None of us escapes jealousy or envy. We either feel it ourselves or are the object of it in others. What causes these unwanted feelings that can make us a little crazy from time to time? Let’s talk about friendship jealousy and how to discuss it.
Similar but different
Jealousy does not discriminate. Opening ourselves up to the beautiful benefits of relationships also means that we are sometimes vulnerable. We often think of jealousy as a romantic drama, but other essential relationships like family, work, and friendships are also vulnerable. The common denominator is that there is a perceived threat to what we have. Then the need to hold on to what we have – whether it be a thing or a person – takes over.
Envy, on the other hand, begins within us. It starts with the idea that we lack something and need to get it or get a better version of it; The grass is greener on the other side, kind of thing.
Both experiences involve some comparison and make us feel like we don’t quite measure up. These feelings can create hidden anxiety or complete doubt. So distinguishing between two similar feelings can help determine the source of our anxiety. This, in turn, will make dealing with it easier.
Jealousy vs. envy
Think about the times you feel jealous of another person, it usually involves a third factor. This factor could be another person or something that changes your relationship. The amount of extra time your partner spends working on his car or hanging out with his friends can spark resentment. Maybe you’re hurting because your best friend has a new romance and now shares more with him than he does with you. Change feels like you’re losing something, that something is slipping away.
Then there’s that friend who seems to have it all, or close to it. She has the hair, look, and lifestyle you want to have. You know you shouldn’t be jealous of her because she’s your friend, and she’s kind, hardworking, and generous (which makes things worse). You share the same values, morals, and ethics, so you’re confused as to why you’re still constantly jealous of your friend (but hidden).
Personal weakness is not a factor
Most of us find ways to live and function through jealousy and envy toward the people we love. When a problem becomes difficult to solve, understanding the source of internal conflict can provide some comfort. Professionals agree that the causes can stem from different experiences. Experts Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., and Jennifer Freed, Ph.D. Talk about shame and abandonment as primary triggers for jealousy and envy. Meanwhile, others attribute competition and comparison to the constant need to prove we measure up.
Related : The Ultimate Revelation of a Long Distance Relationship
As Fred described it, “Jealousy activates our basic dependency issues and often a sense of childish helplessness.”
Although this may sound academic, I agree that feelings of jealousy and envy run deep. Understanding that those irrational feelings are a primal response and not a personal weakness can alleviate the shame we feel about these reactions as an adult.
Worrying about someone else getting the attention or admiration we want for ourselves is a classic childish response. The adult version is often manifested by feelings of insecurity and anxiety about the relationship. The results are often common thoughts like “I can’t compete with her, or how can she choose me?”
Typical reactions and behaviors
Consequently, these involuntary reactions can lead to negative and sometimes extreme behavior. We may recognize some typical behaviors:
Withdrawing from a friendship – putting it on hold or eventually ending it
Avoidance – over-indulgence. Drinking, drugs and food
Self-attack – What’s wrong with me, what did I do wrong, if only I…
Attacking the other – examples of reality TV shows
From Disturbed to Upshot
While we are caught up in these feelings, we forget that they are an affirmation of our relationship. Our vulnerability shows the depth of our friendship. Although it may be difficult to deal with at times, feelings are always a rare opportunity to learn and improve that relationship. So, instead of them being threats (perceived or real), we can think of them as gifts.
Could jealousy and envy be the perfect motivation to ask ourselves important questions about self-worth, equality, and expectations?
Was the friendship satisfactory for both parties?
Is there equal respect between you?
Are you being treated the way you want others to treat you?
Are there traits you would like to develop in yourself but don’t know how to do so?
