Have you ever been in a situation where you felt attacked or criticized, causing you to instinctively take precautions? We’ve all been there. But what causes defensive behavior? How can you be less defensive?
While some people tend to be defensive by nature, defensive behavior, in general, is an instinctive response that arises when we perceive a threat to our self-esteem, beliefs, or actions. It is like a protective shield that protects us from potential harm or emotional discomfort.
Let’s dive deep into defensive behavior, explore its characteristics, identify signs of being defensive, and uncover strategies for dealing with a defensive person.
#What is defensive behavior?
Defensive behavior includes a set of actions and reactions we use to protect ourselves from perceived threats or attacks. According to a study, defensive behavior is a prosocial behavior that can be defined as “a behavioral response to situations that threaten the survival and bodily integrity of oneself and others.”
It is an instinctive response that is triggered when we feel that our self-image, thoughts, or actions are being challenged or undermined. Defensive behavior acts as a shield that protects our vulnerabilities and wards off potential harm.
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However, some individuals tend to be habitually defensive. A defensive person is usually hypersensitive to criticism or perceived threats and may often react with hostility or withdrawal.
The defensive person may have developed this behavior as a coping mechanism and use it as a means of self-preservation.
Now that we have a better understanding of what defensive behavior is, let’s take a look at the signs of defensive behavior, what causes defensive behavior, how to be less defensive, and some helpful tips for dealing with a defensive person.
#Signs of defensive behavior that you should know
Recognizing defensive behavior in ourselves and others can be helpful. Here are some common signs of being defensive that you should watch out for:
1. Overreacting
When a person reacts disproportionately to criticism or simple challenges, this may indicate a defensive attitude. Even constructive comments may be met with overreaction.
2. Denial and avoidance
Defensive individuals often deny or avoid accepting responsibility for their actions or shortcomings. They may blame others or use avoidance tactics to avoid uncomfortable situations.
3. Counterattacks
A defensive person may resort to counterattacks when they feel threatened. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, they may attack the other person’s credibility or make personal attacks.
4. Rationalization
Individuals who display defensive behavior often overly justify their actions or beliefs. They may create justifications to protect their self-image or to maintain consistency in their worldview.
5. Selective listening
Defensive behavior can manifest as selective listening, where a person filters out information that conflicts with their beliefs or challenges their self-perception. This selective attention helps reinforce their existing ideas.
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#What causes defensive behavior
Understanding the root causes of defensive behavior can provide valuable insights into why we and others react defensively. Here are some of the main factors that contribute to defensive responses:
1. Fear of failure
One of the main causes of defensiveness is the fear of failure. When our self-worth is closely tied to our accomplishments, any perceived criticism can be interpreted as a threat to our competence, leading to a defensive reaction.
2. Insecurity and low self-esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to display defensive behavior. They may feel a constant need to protect themselves from perceived attacks on their self-worth and often resort to defensive tactics to maintain their fragile confidence. This causes defensive behavior,
3. Threats to identity
When our core beliefs, values, or identity are challenged, we may respond defensively. Our identity is an important part of our self-concept, and any threat to it can activate our defense mechanisms.
4. Lack of emotional regulation
Poor emotional regulation skills can contribute to defensive behavior. When individuals struggle to manage their emotions effectively, they may resort to defensive responses as a way to protect themselves from feeling emotional discomfort.
5. Past traumatic experiences
Previous experiences of trauma or emotional wounds can make individuals more vulnerable to defensiveness. They may have developed defensive behavior as a survival mechanism to protect themselves from further harm.
6. Learned behavior
Defensive behavior can also be learned through observation and imitation. If individuals are exposed to defensive patterns or witness rewards for defensive behavior, they may adopt these patterns themselves.
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7. Lack of trust
When trust is absent in a relationship or environment, defensive behavior often emerges. Individuals may feel the need to protect themselves due to mistrust of others’ intentions or actions. This is what causes defensive behavior in relationships.
#Tips for dealing with a defensive person
Dealing with a defensive person can be difficult, as their reactions and responses can often seem irrational or disproportionate. However, with patience, empathy, and effective communication strategies, it is possible to deal with interactions with defensive individuals.
Now that we know the causes of defensive behavior, here are some tips for dealing with a defensive person:
1. Stay calm and calm
When you are faced with a defensive situation, it is important to remain calm and collected. Avoid responding aggressively or defensively yourself, as this will likely exacerbate the situation. Instead, take a deep breath and enter the conversation with a balanced mindset.
2. Choose the appropriate time and place
Timing and environment play a critical role in addressing defensive behavior. Find an appropriate time and private place where both parties can engage in a conversation without distraction or interruption. Creating a safe space for open dialogue can encourage a defensive person to lower their guard.
3. Use non-threatening language
The choice of words can greatly affect how a defensive person responds. Frame your statements and questions in a non-confrontational and non-accusatory manner. Use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings, emphasizing that you share your point of view rather than attacking theirs.
For example, instead of saying, “You always get defensive when someone criticizes you,” try saying, “I’ve noticed that sometimes I feel hesitant to give feedback because I’m worried about how it will be received.”
4. Practice active listening
Practice active listening to show your genuine interest in understanding the defending person’s point of view. Give them enough space to express themselves without interruption.
Maintain eye contact, and gesture, and provide verbal cues to show that you are actively engaged in the conversation.
5. Show empathy and validation
Defensive behavior often stems from feelings of insecurity or underlying fears. Try to empathize with the defending person’s feelings and validate their feelings. Acknowledge their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it, to create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
For example, you could say: “I can understand why this situation might be challenging for you. It’s completely normal to feel defensive when we feel criticized or attacked.”
6. Focus on solutions
It may be helpful to shift the conversation toward finding solutions rather than blaming or criticizing. Collaboratively explore alternatives and work together to address underlying issues. By focusing on problem-solving, you can redirect the defensive person’s energy toward constructive results.
7. Set boundaries
While it’s important to approach the conversation with empathy, it’s equally important to identify and communicate your boundaries. Express acceptable and unacceptable behavior respectfully.
Setting boundaries helps create a framework for healthy interactions and encourages the defensive person to think about his or her responses.
Remember, dealing with a defensive person requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the barriers he or she has set up. By fostering an environment of trust and empathy, you can encourage the defensive person to gradually lower their defenses and engage in more open and productive conversations.
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