strange. Immature. Spoiled. And “that” smile that says, “Oh come on. It wasn’t that bad. Your [wife, husband, father, mother, grandfather, brother] intention was good. Their cruelty was an isolated incident. A flash on the screen. Maybe they had gas.” Maybe they were having a bad day or were angry about something at the office. Don’t you have any sympathy for them?! You should have forgiven them, not gone cold turkey!
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you’ve heard these remarks and seen the “Shame on you!” Smile many times. This is usually followed by a monologue about how much the other person loves their family and how they cannot live without them. Yada yada yada. Shame, shame, and more shame… as if we need more shame and false guilt. Heavens! We are drowning in it.
Eventually, you may give up talking about your (former) family altogether because trying to convince anyone of the seriousness of narcissistic abuse is like trying to nail jelly to the proverbial wall. Impossible and invalid!
The reason this is so difficult is that most cases of narcissistic verbal abuse, which are isolated incidents, can be forgiven. It is the total that it is not.
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It may take years, decades, or a lifetime before the cumulative effect of all the small episodes of narcissistic verbal abuse hits us. But when it happens, KABOOM! This is the day we don’t communicate.
To those who have not experienced narcissistic abuse, our “bad” attitude toward the narcissists in our lives may seem strange, immature, and… what was that last word? Oh, spoiled. Yes, spoiled.
But the “vast cloud of witnesses” who have also survived narcissism “have your back.” They understand where you’re coming from, in the words of Gregory Peck, “from to.”
For them, you are an inspiration! Brave survivor. A good person turns the other cheek (two or four, depending on how you count) over and over until they can’t take the pain anymore.
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What makes narcissistic abuse so elusive is that, apart from physical and sexual abuse, every separate incident of verbal abuse was forgivable.
Maybe we shouldn’t have forgiven, but we did it anyway. child! How he forgave us! You have forgiven “seventy times seven,” and so have I.
I forgave when my father stood in front of me, examined my OCD-ravaged skin, smiled horribly, and walked away without looking at me or speaking a word. I forgave it when my mother took one look at a gorgeous black suit I was trying on in the fitting room and said, “You look so good in that. You can’t have it. Put it back on the rack.”
I’ve forgiven when my mother said to my twenties self, “I’m glad you’re not married, so you can’t get pregnant.” I forgave when my mother seemed shocked that I would be driving my car to my new home. Yes, on restricted highways and at restricted highway speeds.
These are just four strange and harmful incidents out of hundreds. But I was forgiving every time, perhaps because it was so shockingly strange. I forgave and forgave and forgave. And so did you!
Because between every strange and mischievous incident, there may have been days and weeks of relative peace. You always had a knot in your gut when your narcissist was around. I preferred isolation. You’re always waiting for the next “constructive criticism,” the next insult to come your way. But every incident was forgivable. It must be because you stayed and forgave.
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When I took a step back, the big picture came into focus. You’ve lived among the trees for a long time and couldn’t see the forest. Now you can.
You finally see the big picture, and that’s unforgivable. You see each incident as an isolated incident and realize that it is unforgivable. It wasn’t just bumps, gas, stress, or isolated accidents. They were the essence of narcissistic abuse.
But try getting that across to anyone who hasn’t lived it! I prefer to sit in my closet and apply thumbtacks. They will be less painful. Unless your audience has lived through narcissistic abuse, they won’t “get it.” They will rationalize every incident as “for your good,” a misunderstanding, or idiosyncrasy on the part of the narcissist.
Even though the shame of being a bad person who abandoned our kind, loving, kind, and generous family threatens to engulf us, we must stand firm. We must stand up for who we are. Steady. Because we know what we know. We know what we experienced. We remember it literally. We see the big picture, even if our friends, spouses, children, or siblings think we’re crazy.
On those days when, once again, you feel like you’re the problem and you’re tempted to cut off all contact to return to the embrace of your cult and love-bombing, uh, I mean family, here’s this seemingly silly but helpful command: Sit down, hold still, and wait for the feeling to leave you.
If you do nothing, you can’t make a mistake. Try it. It has worked for me several times!
You are not a stranger. You are not immature. You are not spoiled. You are not the problem.
Narcissistic abuse extends to hundreds and thousands of isolated incidents that are highly deserving of a no-contact ruling. Honestly, it’s a marvel that we haven’t seen the “jungle” before and haven’t wandered in it for so long. This shows how loving, caring, resilient, flexible, and good we are!
you are sane. You are strong. You are incredibly tolerant. Remember that when anyone indicates otherwise. Stick to your guns and stay offline!
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