Key Points

Narcissism exists along a spectrum, and while we are all narcissists to some degree, some of us are affected more severely than others.

Children raised by narcissists are less likely to have their basic developmental needs met.
Children of narcissists may suffer damage that can affect them into adulthood.

Narcissism—an excessive interest in and preoccupation with oneself—exists on a spectrum of severity, and all of us are narcissists to some degree. Sometimes, narcissism is developmentally appropriate—for example, young children still haven’t realized that the world doesn’t revolve around them. But for adults who fall on the high end of the narcissism spectrum or who meet the full criteria for the traits to meet a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), such a view would not be considered developmentally appropriate.

So, there is narcissism as a trait, with variation across a broad spectrum, and then there is someone who meets the clinical definition of narcissistic personality disorder as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM):

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as demonstrated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has an inflated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate accomplishments).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by special or high-status people (or institutions) or should not be associated with them.
4. Demands excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment or automatic compliance with one’s expectations).
6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others for one’s own ends).
7. Lacks empathy: Unwilling to recognize or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.
8. Often envies others or believes that others envy him.
9. Displays arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, prevalence rates for Narcissistic Personality Disorder range from 0% to 6.2% of the population; of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, about 50-70% are male.

Related : People who stay happy into their 70s and beyond usually display these 8 positive habits

Regardless of the official criteria and statistics, I would like to add that in my professional experience, there is no single, universal profile of a narcissist. A narcissist can be a world leader, a small business owner, a con artist, a homebody, a brilliant academic, or a stay-at-home mom. Narcissists can be male or female, and can be found in all sectors of work, races, and socioeconomic classes.

Ultimately, however, narcissists are defined by an almost exclusive focus on themselves and by entrenched psychological defenses that protect against the almost unbearable feelings of shame that stem from a deeply wounded psyche. Simply put, deep down, many narcissists feel bad about themselves and will do everything they can to make themselves feel better. This can lead them to act in a variety of ways, ultimately trying to make themselves seem and feel more important and special than others.

Unfortunately, in trying to appear more special and important, they often hurt their relationships with those around them, especially their spouses and children.

Why Being Raised by a Narcissist Is So Harmful

The psychological effects of childhood neglect and emotional abuse are well documented. We know that children have basic developmental needs that include consistent attachment, mirroring, attunement, and positive regard from their primary caregivers to help them establish a stable, cohesive, and positive sense of self and learn secure relational attachment.

We also know that when children do not receive this consistently, or when they instead receive constant invalidation, frequent insecure attachment experiences, lack of empathy, or outright hostility from their caregivers, this can affect them in countless ways.

Parents with narcissistic personality disorder are likely to have personality traits that are almost incompatible with their ability to provide their children with what they need to develop and thrive emotionally and mentally:

Narcissists may struggle to focus their attention and turn toward someone else rather than themselves.

Children’s natural and normal needs in childhood may be “annoying” to narcissists.

They may be highly volatile and explosive in nature if their fragile emotional regulation skills are challenged (as children almost inevitably are).

Narcissists may seek to belittle their children to make themselves feel better, and/or favor their children, seeking to stabilize themselves by manipulating family dynamics.

Since the narcissist sees their child as an extension of themselves, they may attempt to control the child’s appearance, behavior, and trajectory so that they align with the image the narcissist is personally trying to project to the world.

Narcissists may only show love to a child when the child performs or behaves in ways that please the narcissist, depriving them of their authentic experiences and hindering the development of their individuality.

Instead of showing and providing ongoing support to their children, the narcissist may invert the dynamic and expect validation, support, and stability of appreciation from the child, thus treating them as their parent.
When faced with a particularly strong-willed, rebellious, or independent child, the narcissistic parent may become angry, abusive, scapegoat, or even disown the child. However, regardless of how the narcissist’s individual actions manifest themselves, and whether the child was raised by a single narcissistic parent or in a blended or married family that colluded with the narcissist, it is safe to assume that few children in such an environment—whether favored or scapegoated—will escape the ill influences.