If you’re unlucky enough to share children with a narcissist, you’ll be in one of four situations:
You’re pregnant with a narcissist’s child.
You have children with the narcissist, and you’re still together.
You share children, and you’re going through a divorce/separation.
You share children, are divorced, and live separate lives.
If any of these situations apply to you, how are you finding it? I’d say you find it hard, because that’s how you’re likely to feel.
And you’re right. It’s really hard. That’s because the narcissist will use your child or children against you.
Here’s how they do it…
…You’ve been warned.
Narcissists: The Only Ones Who Aren’t Victims
When I put together a family dynamic that consists of two adults and any number of dependents in my mind, I step back and watch what I’m creating.
Ideally, there will be a happy, healthy system, where people are encouraged to play, talk, support, and appreciate each other.
Related : 10 Morning Habits That Reveal Someone Is a Narcissist
None of that exists in narcissistic families, and it’s usually because one of the adults is the narcissist.
But narcissists are something else too…
…they’re the only ones in that family who aren’t victims.
Everyone else is.
Sure, they try to be. But they’re not, and I’m going to die on that hill.
They’re not.
sharingchildrenwithanarcissist
I put this image together in my head because I like to use it to help others figure out their own dynamic.
Was it the spouse? Were they the youngest, the oldest, the middle, the only one?
What was their role? Were they the scapegoat—the one who was always blamed and shamed at every opportunity?
Were they the golden child—the one who could do no wrong, born to continue the narcissistic streak?
See also 13 Toxic Phrases Narcissists Use to Destroy Your Trust
Sharing children with a narcissist will bring these roles to life, and I’m afraid to say the dynamics will fit every family out there with a narcissistic parent.
Once the children come into the picture, there will never be the ability to cut the cords properly with the narcissist until they are adults.
Related : 13 Red Flag Behaviors When Narcissists Meet Your Friends
Your life will be one of conflict, drama, and tears, and the narcissist’s mirrored traits will likely be present in one child, and a combination of anxiety and low mood or self-esteem, if not in one child, in more than one, depending on how many children you have together.
It’s not easy, and I wouldn’t wish this kind of problem on any victim.
Used to Abuse?
Any children you share with the narcissist will be used instead of loved.
It can get really ugly.
1 Triangulation
The first thing I want to talk about is triangulation.
As you may already be familiar with, triangulation is a form of manipulation and control that a narcissist uses to divide two people. If you think of a real triangle, you’ll see one vertex at the top (the narcissist), and two triangles at the bottom (you and your child).
Narcissists do this by dropping information or gossip, repeating something inappropriate about one person about the other, in the hopes of provoking conflict.
They then sit back and watch the fireworks go off between them, while acting as if they’ve done nothing wrong.
Related : How To Brilliantly Outsmart A Narcissist
This usually happens if they see that you two get along so well that you may form a strong alliance.
2 Comparison
Your kids are much smarter than you were. They should learn that from me.
Thomas told me how much he hated your overprotectiveness. He told me he wished you were the stay-at-home parent.
Nothing cuts like a knife worse than hearing your kids have a problem with you.
Knowing that these words come from the same person who has sought to destroy your character over the years makes it ten times worse.
These little comments—these sly digs—are all that the narcissist uses against you.
They know that you’ll feel bad when you hear all this; every part of you will want to improve.
What the narcissist knows is that you’ll only make it worse by asking “Tom” and trying to please your way back into his heart.
This is hard if the narcissist has already planted the seed of “I want to be your favorite parent” in his mind.
Young minds are incredibly impressionable—and it doesn’t take much to be influenced by influential people.
3 Encourage Going/Encouraging Staying
If you’re keen to see your kids go and have adventures, you can bet that the narcissist will find a way to call you heartless in front of them.
Related : 8 Silly Mistakes Narcissists Make
How do you want to get rid of them so quickly?
Likewise, if you are keen for them to stay at home for a few years in order to save up enough to have a place of their own, you will be accused of preventing them from doing so. You should leave them to live their own lives.
Having older children like this means that these children won’t miss out on much in terms of conflict, and that can work against you if the narcissist plays the game well enough.
4 “Find someone who will do my dirty work”
The golden child – the one the narcissist has taken away from your children – is known as the child who will do the narcissist’s dirty work.
Often, the people most eager to impress the narcissist will emulate their characteristics, as well as being the child who can do no wrong in the narcissist’s eyes.
This is where you’ll see the narcissist 2.0 – and it will hurt you badly.
Similar dynamics will emerge between them and you, and you will have to fight to have a healthy relationship with them.
5 Fighting for Custody
If you ever have to fight for custody, be prepared for the narcissist to use any evidence they have to prove that you’re not a good parent.
Related : 8 Silly Mistakes Narcissists Make
That’s why it’s always a good idea to document everything that happens to them, and to stay as calm as possible.
It’s stressful and upsetting to think that your children will be involved with a narcissist, but if you can prove coercive and intimidating abuse, you may win.
6 Parental Alienation
As painful as it is to say, there are times when an innocent parent will cut themselves off from a child when they’re old enough to make that choice.
Related : NEVER Tell A Narcissist These Things During Divorce
This may be due to years of manipulation by the narcissist—who paints you as the bad parent.
I’ve seen it and had many conversations with parents who have been alienated by this reality.
It’s a dangerous game, but narcissists are very good at avoiding any blame or toxicity, making you look like the bad guy.
Once again—document everything, people.
