Unintentional manipulation is a term you may not have come across, but it happens a lot more often than people realize.

It occurs when someone casts doubt on your truth or feelings, without intending to cause harm. When we think of manipulation, we usually imagine someone intentionally manipulating you, but in this case, it’s often a misunderstanding or even an attempt to be helpful.

There may not be any malicious intent behind their actions, but they can still affect your emotions.

So, what exactly is unintentional manipulation, how can you recognize it, and is it considered abuse? Let’s dive in, shall we?

What Is Unintentional Manipulation?

At its core, manipulation is about getting someone to question their perceptions or sanity. It’s usually done with the intent to control or manipulate. Unintentional manipulation, on the other hand, occurs when someone doubts themselves without even realizing they’re doing so.

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This may come from someone who genuinely believes they’re helping, offering advice, or sharing their own perspective, but instead ends up invalidating the other person’s feelings or experiences. This type of manipulation typically appears in close relationships—between friends, partners, or family members.

You may hear phrases like, “Oh, you’re overthinking it” or “That’s not what happened.” The person isn’t necessarily trying to be mean; they may even think they’re being helpful. But the effect is the same: You start doubting yourself, and this can negatively impact your well-being.

Okay! Now that we understand what unintentional manipulation is, let’s talk about the signs of unintentional manipulation in relationships.

8 Signs of Unintentional Manipulation

1. They tend to undermine your feelings.

Have you ever opened up to someone about your feelings, only for them to respond with, “You’re overthinking it, it’s not that serious!”? That’s what emotional minimization looks like.

They may think they’re helping you calm down, but they’re actually making you question the validity of your feelings.

Even if they don’t mean any harm, it can leave you wondering if you’re just “too sensitive” or if your feelings really matter.

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Over time, unintentional emotional manipulation in relationships can significantly impact how you view your emotions.

2. They deny any promises they’ve made in the past.

Imagine this: Someone promises to help you, and then when the time comes, they say, “I never agreed to that.”

Confusing, right? You know they agreed, but now you’re stuck wondering if you imagined it. This kind of situation can make you rethink yourself and your memory.

While the person may actually forget, it still feels like mental manipulation because you’re left doubting yourself and feeling unreliable.

3. They only remember “certain things.”

One of the most notable signs of unintentional mental manipulation is: Have you ever noticed how someone only remembers the parts of a conversation that make them look good or reinforce their story? This is selective recall. They may easily forget details that don’t support their side of the story.

For example, during a conflict, they’ll remember everything you said that upset them, but forget what they said that upset you. This isn’t always intentional, but it makes you feel like you have to defend what really happened, making you question your memory.

4. They minimize your concerns.

Let’s say you mention something that’s bothering you, and they say, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re too anxious.” Sound familiar? What they’re doing is belittling your concerns.

Even if they mean well, this reaction makes you feel like your problems don’t matter or that you’re exaggerating. After a while, you may start hiding your concerns to yourself, believing they’re not worth mentioning, which isn’t healthy for you or the relationship.

5. They constantly contradict you.

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone keeps saying, “That’s not what happened” or “I never said that”? These constant contradictions can be extremely frustrating.

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It’s not that they’re trying to lie, but their version of events always seems to conflict with yours, and you end up doubting your memory. Over time, this kind of unintentional psychological manipulation can make you feel untrustworthy of your own thoughts or experiences.

6. They shut down and shut down.

Sometimes, silence is as loud as words. If someone shuts down during an argument or conversation, leaving you stuck in an awkward silence, it can be extremely stressful. Not surprisingly, this is one of the subtle signs of unintentional psychological manipulation in relationships.

This excessive silence can make you feel like you’ve done something wrong, even if you haven’t. They may not realize it, but by refusing to engage, they leave you stuck in a state of confusion and self-blame, wondering if it’s all your fault.

7. They constantly mislead you.

Have you ever started a conversation feeling clear about something, only to end up feeling extremely confused? This happens when they change the subject or bring up irrelevant matters, leaving you lost and unsure of what’s going on.

This isn’t always intentional, but it can send you into a spiral that keeps you wondering what just happened. The more often this type of unintentional manipulation occurs, the more difficult it is to feel confident in your understanding.

8. They intentionally withhold information.

This is a subtle sign of unintentional manipulation. Withholding information occurs when someone omits key details or doesn’t tell you the whole story.

Maybe they “forgot” to mention a change in plans or didn’t give you the full context of a decision. Even if they aren’t trying to deceive or manipulate you, it can make you feel shocked or unimportant.

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Over time, it can make you feel anxious, like you’re always missing out on something important, and this can slowly erode your trust in them.

Is unintentional manipulation considered abuse?

This is a tricky question. While unintentional manipulation can cause similar emotional consequences as intentional manipulation, it isn’t always considered abuse because there’s no malicious intent behind it. The key lies in the intention behind the actions.

Intentional manipulation is used to control and manipulate you, while unintentional manipulation usually stems from ignorance or lack of understanding. However, just because someone doesn’t intend to cause harm doesn’t necessarily mean their impact isn’t harmful. If you feel like you’re being unintentionally manipulated and it’s making you feel insecure, anxious, or constantly doubting yourself, be sure to let them know.

If your relationship and communication with your partner are open and transparent, this may help you address miscommunication and resolve misunderstandings. On the other hand, if this type of behavior persists, it could be a sign of a deeper issue that should definitely be addressed, even with a therapist, if necessary. How do you stop unintentional manipulation? Pause before responding: Take a moment to reflect before responding to someone’s feelings or experiences. Validate their feelings: Instead of dismissing their feelings, say things like, “I can understand why you might feel that way.”

Ask, don’t assume: If you’re wondering how to stop unintentional psychological manipulation, instead of assuming someone’s feelings, ask them directly, so you can avoid misunderstandings. Acknowledge your biases: Understand that your perspective isn’t the only one and may not always be correct. Repeat their words: Paraphrase what they said to show that you’ve listened, understood, and respected their point of view. Avoid general statements:

Avoid phrases like, “You always…” or “You never…,” which can obscure the other person’s truth. Be open to correction: Be mature and open enough to accept if someone tells you they feel misunderstood or unappreciated. Use “I” statements:

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How to stop unintentional manipulation? Speak from your perspective, for example, “I feel…” instead of telling them how they should feel. Strengthen Your Emotional Vocabulary: When you know how to identify and express your feelings appropriately, you’re not only helping them, but also helping your relationship. Offer empathy, not solutions: Sometimes people just want to feel heard, not to be held accountable.

Conclusion

Unintentional manipulation in relationships may not be malicious, but that doesn’t mean it’s harmless. When you can recognize the signs, you’re taking the first step in dealing with it. If you find yourself a victim of these behaviors, make sure you trust your feelings and intuition.