Key Points

Narcissists oscillate between separate states of self-aggrandizement and deficiency.

Twin studies have found a 64% correlation between narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component.

Partners of narcissists have to get used to living in a state of emotional abandonment and eventually begin to doubt themselves.

Despite their seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image, thinking, and behavior are directed toward others to validate and demonstrate their self-esteem, fragility, and fragmentation.

The gods condemned Narcissus to a life without human love. He fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water and died thirsting for its response. Like Narcissus, narcissists “love” themselves only as they are reflected in the eyes of others. It is a common misconception that they love themselves. They may hate themselves greatly. Their exaggerated self-adulation, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely a cover for self-loathing that they do not acknowledge—usually even to themselves. Instead, they project it outward in their contempt and criticism of others. They are afraid to look at themselves because they believe the truth would be devastating. Emotionally, they may be dead inside, yearning for others to fill them up and validate them. Unfortunately, they are unable to appreciate the love they receive and alienate those who give it.

Diagnosis

When we think of narcissists, we typically picture someone with an inflated ego—someone who is bossy, arrogant and has to be right. To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a person must exhibit arrogance (even if only in fantasy) and a lack of empathy, as demonstrated by at least five of the following traits:

• Has an exaggerated sense of self-importance and exaggerates his or her accomplishments and talents.
• Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• Believes he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by special or high-ranking people or institutions.
• Demands excessive admiration.
• Unreasonably expects special or favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes.
• Exploits and manipulates others for personal gain.
• Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• Envies others or believes they are envious of him or her.
• Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes.

In addition to the grandiose “exhibitionist narcissist” described above, James Masterson has identified “covert narcissists”—those who have a deflated and inadequate self-perception, feelings of depression, and inner emptiness. (They are also referred to as “introverted narcissists”). They may appear shy, modest, or anxious because their emotional investment is in the idealized other, which is indirectly gratifying (Masterson, 2004). “Malignant narcissists” are the most damaging and hostile type, engaging in antisocial behavior. They can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.

Early Beginnings

It’s hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their normal development was stunted, often due to poor early parenting. Some believe it’s due to being too close to an indulgent mother; others attribute it to harsh or critical parents. Although more research is needed, twin studies have found a 64 percent correlation for narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component (Livesley, Jang, Jackson, & Vernon, 1993).

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Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut noted that his narcissistic clients suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, helplessness, and a lack of meaning. Beneath the façade of narcissism, they lacked sufficient internal structures to maintain coherence, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity. Narcissists are uncertain about the boundaries between themselves and others and oscillate between separate states of self-inflation and deficiency. The self, divided by shame, consists of a grandiose superior self and an inferior, devalued self. When the devalued self is in an inferior position, shame is manifested through the idealization of others. When the individual is in a superior position, defending against shame, the inflated self aligns with the inner critic and devalues ​​others through projection. Both this devaluation and idealization are proportional to the intensity of shame and the accompanying depression (Lancer, 2014).

Although most people fluctuate in these situations, exhibitionist and covert narcissists are more or less consistent in their high and low positions, regardless of reality, which makes them pathological. Arrogance, contempt, envy, withdrawal, denial, (unconscious) repression, aggression, anger, projection (blaming or accusing others of their shortcomings or actions), self-pity (especially covert narcissists), and avoidance (e.g., addictive behaviors) are common defenses against shame (Lancer, 2014). Narcissists also defend against shame and fragmentation by feeling special through idealization or identification with special or important people.

Relationship with a Narcissist

At home, narcissists are quite different from their public persona. They may denigrate the person they were just hosting. After the start of a romantic relationship, narcissists expect their privacy to be valued and specific responses to demands and criticism to manage their internal environment and protect themselves from their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Relationships revolve around them, and they feel that their partners are extensions of themselves.

Many narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing that others do is right or appreciated. They expect their partners to meet their endless needs—for admiration, service, love, or purchases—and dismiss them when they don’t. Whether their spouse is sick or in pain is unimportant. Narcissists don’t like to hear the word “no” and often expect others to know their needs without having to ask. They manipulate to get their way and punish or make partners feel guilty for rejecting them.

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Trying to please a narcissist is unrewarding, like trying to fill a bottomless pit. They manage to find fault with your efforts or offer indirect compliments so that you always feel frustrated. If they are happy for a moment, they are soon belittling you or demanding more. They make their partners experience what it was like to have a cold, intrusive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Vampire Lisa Rice had an emotionally empty mother, to whom she was devotedly attached to survive. The lack of genuine care and lack of boundaries leaves narcissists dependent on others to satisfy their insatiable need for validation. Partners often question the narcissist’s sincerity and wonder if it is manipulation, pretense, or an artificial “as if” persona. They feel stressed and drained by unexpected outbursts of anger, attacks, false accusations, criticism, and unjustified resentment over small or imagined slights. These partners also lack boundaries and absorb everything said about them as truth. In their failed attempts to gain approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their own needs and walk on eggshells, for fear of upsetting the narcissist. They risk daily blame and punishment, withholding of love, or the rupture of the relationship. They worry about what their spouse might think or do, and become as preoccupied with the narcissist as they are with themselves.

Partners must adapt to the narcissist’s cold world and become accustomed to living in a state of emotional abandonment. They soon begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-esteem. Expressions of their disappointment become twisted and met with defensive blame or further belittlement. The narcissist may direct his or her arrows at them, but they do not accept them. Many partners, however, remain, because the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that initially charmed them return periodically, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that a breakup is imminent. When two narcissists get together, they fight over whose needs come first, blame each other, and push each other away, yet feel miserable about needing each other.

It is often the narcissists in these relationships who pull away when they expect more than sex. Emotional closeness means giving up power and control. The idea of ​​dependence is abhorrent. Not only does this limit their options and make them feel vulnerable, but it also exposes them to rejection and feelings of shame, which they hide from awareness at all costs (Lancer, 2014). Their anxious partners pursue them, unconsciously reliving the emotional abandonment of their past. Deep down, they feel unloved.