Emotional blackmail is a term that has been watered down due to its prevalent use in everyday life, social media, or any content format for that matter. It is a commonly used phrase, and everyone has said it or experienced it at least once in their life.

So let’s get to the root of this phrase and try to understand what it truly means.

Understanding Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is understood as a technique of manipulation where someone uses your feelings as a way to control behavior and make them see things their own way.

A manipulator may use the information they have and use something you know and love against you to get their own way. This is usually in the form of guilt, obligation, fear, or threat.

What does emotional blackmail actually mean?

Emotional blackmail: When people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. It is a book written by Dr. Susan Forward. She pioneered the use of the term emotional blackmail in 1997.

In this book, Dr. Forward described emotional blackmail as a powerful form of manipulation in which people are threatened directly or indirectly. The goal of the threat is punishment if their will is not carried out. The essence of the threat is that “If you don’t behave the way I want, you will be in trouble.” They may use threats against your reputation, past, money, revealing a secret, etc.

They are able to use these threats because they know that they are valuable people to you and that in order to stay together, you will have to do these things that they have asked of you. Also, because the relationship runs deep, whether it’s a romantic, friendship, or family relationship, they know your weaknesses, your history, your secrets, and anything else that will ensure your compliance.

They use the knowledge that you seek or want their love or approval, and taking it away from you will make you want to please them and try to win them over.

What are the characteristics of an emotional blackmailer?

Anyone you know could be a blackmailer. You can never look at someone and know if they are emotionally abusive or not. Most of the time, an emotional blackmailer is well-liked by his or her peers and may not even be considered a threatening person.

People can come from any background and can enter your life at any time, but in general, these are some types of people who resort to emotional blackmail:

1. Loud and sexy
   These types of people are well known for creating drama and being vocal about their problems. They are always looking for attention and make themselves look like the victim in any situation by being loud and dramatic about it.

They make rude comments, make a mountain out of a molehill, and use anything they can to get their way. Their loudness is challenged by the people around them who want them not to create a scene and thus give in to their demands more easily.

2. Narcissistic
   People with narcissistic traits belittle people and believe that their way is the only right way. In relationships, it may seem like they don’t hold back from criticism and always have to be right. They tend to have the last word in most arguments and discussions and undermine other people’s decisions.
3. My judgment
   People who are judgmental and critical of others are vulnerable to being emotional blackmailers in their personal relationships. They use fear and guilt to control the situation they are in. They can intimidate people and position themselves as someone who knows right from wrong in relation to others.

In relationships, they can be said to be the moral center of the relationship and are the ones who decide or set the tone for the relationship. It can be considered what is right and wrong in a relationship regardless of the other partner’s feelings. The intimidation is so strong that their partner also begins to believe them when they are told that they are wrong.

They can be seen with a very condescending tone and an undermining personality. This is not only limited to the relationship, the judgment is so strong that the people around the blackmailer also not only realize if they are doing wrong, but also accept this person.

4. Low self-esteem among individuals
   Since they are afraid or unable to express their true feelings, they can be seen emotionally blackmailing the person as well. They use emotional blackmail by also bringing you down and making you feel inadequate when their self-esteem issues are brought up.

They blame others for their inability or insecurity and try to attract the attention of others by doing so.

5. Passive-aggressive nature
   People who have adopted a passive-aggressive mindset certainly use emotional blackmail against people in their lives. They cause harm and hostility in indirect ways, such as deliberate failure, stubbornness, or through insults and mockery.

Sarcasm is their biggest personality trait and they use it all the time to get away from saying hurtful things or what they really mean. They use sarcasm and mean jokes to get out of you what they really want. Then use it as a defense if called upon. They cannot communicate directly, so they resort to such antics to emotionally blackmail someone.

6. Lack of empathy
   Some people naturally have low empathy or no empathy at all. They may not relate to your problems or the feedback you give them, as they have no sense of empathy.

They may try to show it at the beginning of the relationship, but you realize very quickly that they don’t actually understand the emotional nature that you bring to the relationship, and that they are not connected or on the same level.

Related : Narcissist: Recognizing & Living with NPD

In the end, they justify what they do as defending themselves or that you want to destroy them and they need to protect themselves. They don’t see situations from your perspective sometimes.

7. Blame others
   They often take responsibility or responsibility for their actions or feelings, so they shift blame for the outcome of the situation or blame others, especially their partner, for the negativity they feel.

They fail to see the problem in their actions and blame others around them for the actions they have taken. They consider themselves the victim and always try to defend themselves from this point of view.

How does emotional blackmail work?

Since emotional blackmail involves getting their way, they use multiple methods to bring you down and then make it happen so that it is inevitable that you will want to fulfill their desires.

According to Dr. Forward, there are 6 stages of emotional blackmail:

1. Request.
   This starts with the desire of the emotional manipulator, let’s call them

You’ll take these comments, defend them, or agree with them, but you won’t make a big deal out of it, you’ll even ignore them. Sometimes manipulators won’t say what they want from you directly, but rather will keep you guessing. After the event, X may become upset about the situation enough to make you act on it.

Although this seems like a normal request, it becomes a demand when they insist on it and make it clear that they will not budge on his opinions or demands even if you say there is nothing wrong with the friendship.

2. Resistance
   When Y does not agree with the idea put forward by X, she may show resistance by withdrawing or not acknowledging that request. Y might also say directly: “I don’t want to do that to my friend for a long time. You may feel that way, but I feel like there’s nothing wrong with our friendship.

But once S hears these sidetracks and does not directly accept his demands, it becomes clear to them that the answer is no and that the matter is not going the way they wanted.

3. Pressure
   When X realizes that he is not getting the response he wants from Y, X does not try to understand Y’s feelings but pushes her to change her mind. X might make it seem like they want to talk about it but then the discussion turns into a o

“I want what’s best for us.”
“I’m just thinking about our future”
“I just want you..”
“When two people love each other”
“Don’t you love me enough to do this often for me?”
“If you care about me at all..”
“If you weren’t so selfish/selfish/…”
“If you do that, it will only bring you closer.”
“It hurts me that you don’t see it the way I see it.”

4. Threats
   When X encounters resistance, it tells Y that there will be trouble if Y does not get what it wants. X may threaten to cause pain or unhappiness. They have told you how much they have suffered because of your actions. X may also use indirect threats, such as:

“If this is what it’s going to be like, we should see other people.”
“If such a small, reasonable request is what’s really bothering you, I don’t think we’ll be successful in the long run anyway.”
“Either them or me.”
“If you can’t give me that confirmation, then this isn’t the relationship I thought it was.”
“It is important for our relationship to do this. We will have a stronger bond after doing this.”

5. Compliance
   After listening to and bombarding X’s reasoning, Y may begin to rethink his initial decision. Y may give up and think that X knows better and is right about something she is not privy to.

Although Y feels uncomfortable with her ideas and this problem itself, she does not want to lose Y to such problems, so she complies after some time.

Related : Narcissist and Codependent: The Toxic Relationship

When a decision is not reached even after their talk, Y feels it is better to accept the suggestion made by X because she may just want to end this stage of the discussion topic or she is already exhausted with the discussion topic.

The discussion is always going on and is never resolved or talked about in a meaningful way because X is just trying to get what they want.

6. Repetition
   After acceptance, there is a period of calm and love after their desires are achieved. Although Y is uncomfortable with the turn of events, the carefree nature of the relationship causes them to dismiss everything that happened, as a one-time event. But X now notices that this kind of guilt is an effective way to get Y to compromise his point of view or position, how long it took and how far he can go.

Y has also realized that they may have to give in to what X is asking. Thus creating a pattern that will naturally be followed until it is broken.