When I was younger, my whole life was geared towards finding unconditional love. I was convinced that the more unconditionally I was given love, the better my chances of finally getting it in a romantic relationship and having lasting happiness after I deserve.
It didn’t work out that way.
I ended up becoming a mop. Loving in this way came at the expense of my self-esteem.
Today, unconditional love is something that I absolutely believe in. It’s also something I don’t believe in at all.
In understanding what fear is like, I think about my childhood and the dynamics of love I wrestled with. Those who sincerely and unconditionally loved me often became background characters, while I tirelessly tried to win the conditional love of others—love that seemed more conditional than upbringing at such a tender age. I put them on a pedestal, leaving my young self isolated, seemingly without a way up.
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In my young perception, the only path seems to be through unquestioning obedience and boundless love for them. While these adults may have good intentions and genuinely love me, the relationship inadvertently became a dependency relationship. I clung to any small semblance of love, validation, or approval, seeing it as crucial to my emotional well-being. They, in turn, relied on the facade created by my obedience, displaying their parental ingenuity. My unlimited love, ironically, seems to calm the very insecurities they had carried from their youth.
As I got older, that “ladder of unconditional love” that wasn’t long enough, found its way into my romantic relationships and friendships.
That was the beginning of the end.
Instead of all the unconditional love you gave me, he created the life-stealing shame and loneliness that paralyzed me in the quicksand of toxic relationships and friendships-one after another.
Unconditional love also made me stay in family relationships and other relationships just for the sake of having a blood relationship, history, or any other kind of connection that is sacred only if it is suspended through reciprocity – not unconditional love as a sign of loyalty.
As I am writing this post I am writing all my posts-not as an end-all-be-all, but to shed my own personal light on things that might have been otherwise, were not illuminated. There is an exception to everything and a different way than anything can be explained. I went back and forth for a long time about whether I would write about unconditional love. It is one of those topics that can be very sensitive to discuss because everyone’s beliefs regarding it are related to their past experiences and pain. After thinking about it more, I knew that I should write about it.
Why?:
Unconditional love is the thing that almost robbed me of life. It’s also something that saved my life.
Here’s what you need to know…
According to Wikipedia, unconditional love is known as ” affection without any strings attached, or love without conditions.”It is described as an unchanging love that knows no boundaries. Unconditional love is often used to describe ” love between family members, comrades-in-arms and between others in committed and highly connected relationships.”
Movies, fairy tales, and mainstream media love to portray those who love unconditionally as heroes of this world. No matter how badly these people are treated, how much they are taken for granted, or how they are used, the light of their unconditional love seems to mature and come out of the need for healthy boundaries that only unconditional self-love can initiate.
On the surface, unconditional love looks incredible it is. I believe that unconditional love is necessary in relationships with those who lack a voice and are completely dependent on us. You should unconditionally love your child, your pet/animals, the little voiceless girl/boy who would not read these words now if the circumstances were not put about the love that should have been given to her/him unconditionally: your younger self.
It is very difficult to try to love the adults we have become unconditionally. I’m still struggling with how I feel about my adult self. But then, I look at a photo of myself as a child and I see this helpless and voiceless little girl who just wants to be enough. How can I not love her unconditionally?
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The moment I stopped outsourcing unconditional love to others and began to give it to myself – that was the moment I learned that unconditional love would be accepted/exploited only by those who had the same helplessness that I had to love themselves unconditionally.
When it comes to romantic relationships, we are wired to pursue unconditional love. We want to emotionally return to fatherhood in such a way as to nullify the worthlessness that was consciously and unconsciously made us feel by the absence of unconditional love in our childhood.
In my relationships today, whether it’s my romantic relationship or with my close friends…
Although there is no unconditional love, we love and accept each other as a whole. It is a non-judgmental and selfless love. It is love that can be felt and shared on such a deeper level because it is protected from both parties by Healthy Boundaries (which can only be set by unconditional self-love).
Unconditional love is not the same as being there for each other in illness, Health, want, wealth, and during good and bad times.
Love without conditions and boundaries in romantic relationships made me dread. Translated as follows: “I am not enough. I don’t deserve more. Please validate me while invalidating the pain from the past you don’t care about getting to know. Please look at what I can’t see in myself.”
I gave up my search for unconditional love when I stopped conditionally loving my younger self. I realized that those who need unconditional love in their romantic relationships do so because the only way they can satisfy their needs is the lack of personal boundaries for their partner.
When I started loving my younger self unconditionally, I started attracting relationships that made me feel safe to be myself. For the first time, I felt love, support, and the ability to accept love (instead of always giving it infinitely and ending up with a mop). The more you honor your boundaries, the more true love you’ll attract.
True love will not be found without unconditionally loving your younger self enough to accept what is and act based on this acceptance.
Although I do not believe in unconditional love when it comes to romantic relationships, I am always aware that without giving it completely to my younger self, I will never be able to experience the real, nonjudgmental, thick, and tender love that I deserve to emit and receive.
