Setting boundaries is an important part of all relationships. It becomes even more important—and potentially life-saving—when you interact with a pathological narcissist.
Those with self-love deficiency (SLD), a newer term for codependency, need to learn tools and strategies to set boundaries, even to the point of breaking up with someone.
One of the most effective techniques for setting boundaries and breaking free from a pathological narcissist is the “Course Method.” It may seem like a simple phrase, but these two words that can end narcissistic abuse have tremendous power.
Here we will look at what kind of work SLDs need to do before adding the Cycle Method to their toolbox. We’ll also discuss what it looks like in practice and what the benefits of this technique are.
Related: 3 Brutally Honest Signs You’re An Extreme Narcissist
SLDS and pathological narcissists: Profiles of the relationship
Before getting into the basics of the Course Method, we need to consider who will benefit from it. This, along with other techniques in the 11-Stage Self-Love Recovery Therapy Program, is designed to bring freedom to those with SLD, who are in a relationship with a pathological narcissist.
Here are the main features of what their relationship might look like:
A person with a lack of self-love (codependency) has an addiction to a pathological narcissist.
Loneliness is the main symptom of withdrawal after getting rid of addiction. They are triggered by actions, words, and manipulation by the pathological narcissist, which keeps them powerless in the relationship.
The pathological narcissist uses control and manipulation to maintain power in the relationship. They know what will arouse a person with SLDD and are constantly looking to keep them helpless.
To break free from narcissistic abuse, a person with SLDD must go through several stages and build an arsenal of tools to get there. Without effective tools and strategies, they will not be able to break free of their addiction willingly.
The treatment program provides SLDs with tools, techniques, and awareness so they can intentionally set boundaries and break free from narcissistic abuse. Each new method is another “tool” in your “tool belt” to draw upon when needed.
Related: The Scientific Reason So Many Women Stay In Emotionally Abusive Relationships
The building blocks of recovery: where to start
This 11-stage self-love recovery treatment program is designed to help people overcome SLDD and break free from narcissistic abuse. While all stages are important for people with SLDD, stages six and seven are particularly important in relation to the “course method.”
These are the basic elements that will help you prepare to implement the “Course Method”. Below is a summary of the two stages:
The sixth stage: preparing for the narcissistic storm. This is when the person with SLDD begins to learn everything they can about the pathological narcissist. You play the role of observer, rather than absorber, to see how they control you and set up the environment to keep you powerless.
Stage Seven: Setting boundaries in hostile environments. At this point, you are ready to take action. Based on the work you have already done, you can now set effective boundaries with the pathological narcissist. This is where the “course method” comes into play.
By working through the stages, you can gain predictive awareness. This is when you understand exactly what is going on with the narcissist, the situation, and your reaction.
Predictive awareness is like a chess player anticipating a few moves before his opponent. They know the game well enough to be aware of what will happen next.
Predictive awareness goes hand in hand with the “observe and don’t absorb” technique. Since you are working on your awareness, you need to positively detach from the encounter and observe what is happening. You can turn on the “observe and don’t absorb” mindset by:
Utilize your predictive awareness to evaluate common patterns in the situation.
Identify the tricks, manipulation, and coercion the narcissist will try on you.
Know your triggers and how you typically react in the situation.
Avoid responding in your old ways and remain neutral and detached from the immediate situation.
In short: The narcissist is trying to get you into the “wrestling ring” to fight, but you are only there as a spectator! By using the “observe and not absorb” technique, you stay on the outside and maintain your power and control over the situation.
Related: 9 Signs Of Narcissistic Abuse, Explained By A Therapist
A “course method” to stop narcissistic abuse
To create and maintain boundaries when dealing with a narcissist, you must effectively use the “observe and not absorb” approach. Once you’re in that headspace, use this tool of two little words that make a screaming difference: “Of course.”
The “course method” is a way of talking to yourself when dealing with a narcissist. It is a form of self-talk that confirms what you know and enhances your ability to observe the situation rather than engage in it.
The narcissist is always trying to lure you into the “wrestling ring” to fight using his own methods – which you have of course determined through the development of predictive awareness. They use their weapon of “induced conversation” to lure you into their wrestling ring. And every time they treat you this way, you say to yourself: “Of course.”
Here’s an example of how the Course Method looks when applied:
Of course, they would comment on my appearance, because they knew I was insecure and would feel uncomfortable.
Of course, they would try to question my views because they were making me angry.
Of course, they were laughing at me, knowing that it had made me resist before.
Of course, they will comment on that; They know it bothers me.
Of course, they would have brought this up in the past, I’ve heard them talk about it a million times.
Instead of letting their comments distract you as they have in the past, quietly repeat “of course” in your head, empowering you to remain an observer and not participate in the conversation.
Since you’ve done the work in Stage 6, you already know all their tricks; It’s not a surprise anymore. This means that you can easily look at a situation while thinking “observing and not understanding” and say “of course!”
The power of the “cycle method” in practice
These two words are very powerful because they confirm what you already know about the narcissist. It allows you to retain your power and not hand it over. Instead of being stimulated and energized by what they say, you remain in control.
The “course method” keeps you focused on “observing, not absorbing.” You can remain outside of the conversation instead of getting drawn into the fight.
In practical terms, the ultimate goal of the “of course method” is to remove yourself from the situation or end the conversation. Not to engage in the conversation any longer or make them angry, but to exit the conversation.
