Survivors of abusive relationships often choose to remain in the relationship with their abusive partner because of the bonding that results from the trauma. Are you experiencing this too?
Bonding with trauma is an unavoidable aspect of any abusive relationship. However, it is often difficult for the abused to get to know them while they remain in the relationship. Because our narcissistic partner constantly manipulates and controls us, we often get caught in a toxic cycle of abuse and seek validation.
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What is trauma bonding?
Traumatic bonding indicates a tendency to be loyal to a toxic and destructive person. The more your toxic partner controls and abuses you, the more you will seek love, respect, and validation from them.
In romantic relationships, when one partner is repeatedly abused by the other over a long period, traumatic bonding can occur. However, it can also occur in non-romantic relationships, such as between friends, family members, and even co-workers.
The abuser will manipulate the abused partner in such a way that they believe abuse is normal in relationships. Their abuser will believe it is their fault that their narcissistic partner is abusive. They deserve to be abused by their toxic partner.
As the relationship progresses and develops, the abused partner will become more insecure and increasingly seek validation and admiration from their narcissistic partner. As a result, the toxic partner will feel more empowered, leading to more control and manipulation.
Bonding with trauma makes us addicted to seeking validation and positive responses from our abuser repeatedly. This occurs as a result of repeated cycles of abuse in which strong emotional bonds are created through intermittent reinforcement of punishment and reward.
As these bonds are associated with resistance to change, it becomes progressively more difficult for the victim to leave such abusive relationships.
We become increasingly dependent on our abusers and eventually lose our sense of ourselves in our attempts to please our narcissistic partner. The more we try to please them, the more abuse we get, and the harder it becomes for the abused partner to leave.
Trauma bonding signs
Sometimes, it can take months, if not years, for you to know that you are trapped in this kind of relationship and bonding. This is why it is so important that you learn to recognize some of the signs of trauma bonding.
Here are some common signs you need to look out for if you are in an abusive relationship:
Despite a consistent pattern of abuse and non-performance, you continue to believe their lies and promises despite all signs to the contrary.
Although you may not be affected by a particular behavior, action, or incident, your friends and family seem shocked, appalled, or upset by the fact that you accepted it from your partner.
You feel helpless, trapped, and powerless while your narcissistic partner continues their destructive and toxic behavior.
You try to play “savior” by trying to change your toxic partner into a “better” person. You are trying to help them overcome some bad habits and addictions and be less destructive and harmless without making any progress.
You and your partner engage in the same arguments and toxic fights for the umpteenth time. You are fighting about the same topics and the same issues that lead to the same results.
Even though you may not trust, respect, or even love your partner anymore, you feel like you can’t separate yourself from them.
Every time you try to leave your narcissistic, abusive partner, you end up missing out. The discomfort of being without your partner is so intense and you crave them so much that you mistakenly think it is better to tolerate their abuse than to be without them. You think he is the only one who will love you.
Related: Bonding Trauma Healing: 4 Ways You Can Heal Bond Trauma After a Narcissistic Relationship
Trauma bonding is addictive
It’s like an addiction that you can’t get rid of. These patterns of addiction are commonly seen in unhealthy relationships dominated by inconsistent reinforcement, similar to alcoholics, drug addicts, and individuals in domestic violence settings.
It can also be seen in dysfunctional marriages as there are certain periods when the relationship seems “normal” to both partners. This type of bonding is also evident in religious cults, hostage situations, child abuse, as well as toxic work environments.
Trauma bonds thrive in environments full of promise, inconsistency, complexity, and intensity. It is the lure of that illusory promise and false hope of a better future. Manipulation is an important part of these attachments.
Desperate for gain, abused partners are willing to accept and tolerate all kinds of toxic and harmful behaviors. It is the elusive promise and everlasting hope of experiencing happiness and fulfillment of some personal needs of the abused partner.
That is why such interdependence becomes addictive for the victim. Abusive relationships are like a rollercoaster. There are periods of punishment and intermittent periods of gentle reinforcement, shown when the victim acts on the whims of the abuser. When we are trapped in this constant cycle of kindness and punishment, our mind becomes addicted to it.
As we seek connection with our partners, we become dependent on obtaining approval from them, even at the cost of being victimized and traumatized.
Self-protection
This is why it is so important to identify the interconnectedness of trauma if you are in an abusive relationship and to begin taking steps to establish personal boundaries and protect yourself.
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Once you begin to realize that you are being abused, you can finally see how much it hurts your partner. You can see why it is necessary to get out of this abusive relationship to save yourself. Only then can healing begin.
