Trauma Bonding: How To Release A Trauma Bond

We are told to stop concentrating, face the fear of moving forward, and focus on ourselves, and this time heals all wounds. While the symptoms of a traumatic reaction to a shock bond make these very things seem almost impossible.

What’s more, when taken in the context of traumatic bonding, prolonged grief over the loss of a relationship is far from irrational, even when that relationship was a toxic one. If you feel more stunned and paralyzed over time, then this is a reaction of the organism that is already working to protect you from a perceived and constant threat.

You’re not crazy. The physiological state of your body is trying to communicate with you in a way that you may not yet fully understand.

There are people all over the world who suffer from cravings for dirt or mud. This is called geophagy and it seems so crazy that people are ashamed to admit their craving. However, research has found that such cravings may indicate a deficiency in the content of somatic minerals or may act as a protective response of the body to pathogens in pregnant women or children. The content of dirt or mud may well serve as a protective barrier in the stomach.

What may feel mentally and physiologically illogical, actually makes sense. This does not mean that people with anemia should make themselves a nice snack with their coffee this afternoon. This means that the feeling of being carried away, ashamed, and ignoring the fact of craving, without looking at what it indicates, will never solve the unmet need of the organism.

What is traumatic bonding?

I only began to understand the traumatic bonding when I stopped feeling ashamed and started trusting my bodily physiological messengers.

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Breaking the shock bond can be painful. What’s the point of trying to accept the reality of a toxic relationship, no connection, and trying to move on with your life when you feel bad over time?

Breaking the trauma bond comes with severe withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings for the toxic person, compulsive thoughts about what happened, and an anxious state that can make you feel like you are retreating, without calming down.

This will seem counter-intuitive at first, but this particular symptom is confirmation that staying away from a toxic relationship is imperative for your health. This is because trauma lies as a physiological response to a perceived threat. Your organism knows and reacts, at the core, gut, and instinctive level when a person or situation is harmful.

And while you may now be acutely aware that you are no longer in the relationship, your body is still registering a constant threat. This manifests itself in symptoms that make you feel like you’re crazy or maybe make you feel as if you shouldn’t have walked away in the first place.

But all this does not mean that your body is trying to signal to you that you are forever attached to that dirty one who mistreated you, used you, and broke your heart. This means that the trauma that may have occurred before the relationship, during the relationship, and when the relationship ends continues to live inside you. It continues to live as a memory and an echo that has no orientation to time and space.

You feel this way because, physiologically, you still don’t feel safe.

You will not be the one who longs for the person who mistreated you forever. But it will be difficult to get there if your strategy is to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and steal more energy in an attempt to fight your body’s frantic physiological responses to trauma in a shock bond, through sheer will, when you are already frozen in emergency mode.

Stay with me. I’ll explain.

We look at traumatic bonding as a way to explain, romanticize, and decipher the characteristics of a relationship that feels or once felt so precious.
Here is the punch of the intestine that is usually lost-when it is in a shock bond, and the bond “breaks”, the shock remains.

If you’re a cookie in Oreo and other cookie sheets, guess who’s stuck with what seems to be more shock-filling than you started with?

This “shock-filling” can help explain why your mind, body, and soul register a feverish, obsessive, red level, an emergency categorical passion for a toxic ex-lover, a toxic relationship, or a situation.

Shock bond

The reason for this hyper-aroused anxiety-trance lies in part in the traumatic nature of the bonding itself. Shock bonds are formed when the organism registers that you are in danger.

According to “The Betrayal Bond”, a book written by Patrick Carnes, who developed the concept, ” trauma bonds are dysfunctional associations that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. Trauma bonds occur when we associate with the very person who is the source of danger, fear, and exploitation.”It involves seduction, betrayal, and high intensity.

It also implies a seemingly endless feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Carnes wrote, “This kind of bonding not only facilitates recovery and resilience but undermines those very qualities within us.”

Throughout the relationship, your organism assessed the threat and constantly mobilized energy for you to fight or flee. Trauma in traumatic bonding creates a cyclical, repetitive cycle that contains your ability to protect yourself, trust yourself, feel the physiological reactions in your body, or evolve from your current state, even when your partner is gone.

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Instead of fighting or fleeing, you remain frozen and cling to an “insane level of loyalty, to impossible, unsolvable, toxic, overwhelming, or cosmically doomed bonds.”A person who is bound by this kind of ties “does not believe the obvious and accepts the impossible.”

Here are some signs of traumatic bonding, which I adapted from Carnations:

When you keep focusing on the people who hurt you and who are no longer in your life.
When you crave contact with someone who has hurt you and who you know will cause you even more pain.
When you keep circling people you know are exploiting or taking advantage of you.
When you are committed to staying loyal to someone who betrayed you, even though their actions indicate few signs of change.
When you are desperate to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated that they do not care about you.
When you go to great lengths to continue helping, caring, or thinking about people who have been devastating to you.

These types of relationships take advantage of old wounds and past traumas.

As a larger and separate topic, there are a lot of reasons why we are prone to bonding with traumas, to begin with, including a deep desire to heal a past wound. We do this by subconsciously recreating the previous situation, down to the very exploitative, dangerous, or shameful elements that were present in the previous trauma. Down to the type of toxic, emotionally unavailable, or stunted person in the previous situation.

The reasons why we get into these types of connections, the reasons why we stay, and the reasons why we can’t let them go are interconnected, and at least one thing remains the same: our body stores these memories physiologically, without a time stamp or date. Memories can make us feel like we are in an endless cycle of trauma and pain, with or without the relationship.

Trauma

Trauma is a big concept, living in a developed academic territory. I’m not an expert, and what I’m saying is informed by the work of trauma researchers Peter Levin, Bissel van der Kolk, and Patrick Karns, but this is simply my explanation.

Watching your seemingly irrational reactions to heartbreak through an enlightened lens of trauma will reduce part of the shame that comes with continuing to live in a body suspended in a highly excited and hectic state long after we have been told that we should be in a relationship or situation.

There are different types of trauma. Some types of trauma that we are usually aware responses to natural disasters, war, abuse, genocide, and other atrocities. We link these traumas to the development of PTSD, which helped explain how victims survive in extreme conditions, including why victims end up turning on themselves and becoming loyal to the abuser, as in the case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Understanding trauma begins when you remove judgment from the equation about the degree of atrocity that must exist to define trauma as trauma. There are other aspects of trauma, such as those involving the body’s response to betrayal, childhood experiences, and trauma of interpersonal relationships. A traumatic reaction is a completely subjective thing. There are more possible cases/origins of trauma than people.

Trauma lives inside the body as a physiological state. It will be easier to recognize the manifestation of this state and give it credibility if you realize that trauma can occur in the absence of abusers, victims, and openly terrible situations. You can have a traumatic reaction to anything or anyone that your body perceives as a threat, including breaking off communication even with the most well-intentioned, unintentional, but emotionally empty people.

Peter Levine defined trauma as ” any experience that shocks us like a bolt from the blue; it overwhelms us, leaves us changed and detached from our bodies.”It is difficult to access the coping mechanisms while you are in this stressful state. This reaction can become more acute when relational trauma occurs for long periods, with intermittent reinforcement, and when it is superimposed on the relational trauma that occurred in childhood.

The incredible trauma of anything your body perceives as a threat, including infidelity or a breakup, can live inside of us as a physiological state, even when we are not in current danger — when we come out of a breakup, got out, and presumably moved on. Our bodies are involved in a survival response even when out of danger — which manifests itself in a freezing state that renders all the negative emotions that you felt while in a freezing relationship inside you as well.

What is this? Why is this happening?

The state of freezing.

It happens as a result of a completely normal human reaction to a potentially threatening situation. Peter Levine explained how trauma develops in his book, ” Awakening the Tiger.”When faced with a perceived danger or challenge, we are energetically aroused, mobilized, and ready to pounce, react, and defend. That is why the weak can raise cars to save children. Our bodies are built to generate enormous energy and appropriately constrict it so that it can be released. So that we can fight or flee from threats to our very survival. When energy is released, there is a tremendous feeling of physical comfort and calmness. There is no shock. The situation makes sense to us because we have witnessed our bodies working with us to solve the threat.

So what happens to this massive, do-or-die energy not being released? When we feel that we cannot fight or flee, as in the case of the shock bond, there is no discharge of this energy.

Rather, we are hard to stop freezing. Unlike other animals, the more developed neocortex blocks the instinctive response to the release of this energy anyway, when the freezing state ends. Without launching, our body restricts this amazing bundle of energy and contains it in our nervous system. We are suspended in a highly mobilized emergency alert, hypervigilant, and full of energy that our body now has to change, negotiate, and slowly flush the safety valve through adjustments that make us feel like we are experiencing an anxiety reaction. This, too, is our body working for us, to prevent the breakdown of the nervous system.

This is a shock.

An example is when you brace yourself during the impact of a car accident and later find yourself completely motionless, your knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel, adrenaline is tracking through you, your heart rate is racing, breathing heavily, with almost no memory of the event.

Why doesn’t our “smarter” brain allow us to discharge this energy during the freezing state? Again, your body is trying its best to protect you. When this tremendous force of arousal energy is first turned on, it makes us feel up to the task, positive, intensely alive. When the release is thwarted and inserted internally instead, we associate energy with intense negative emotions.

All those feelings and all the energy that you may have expelled during the relationship in a fight or flight response — all the anger, shame, and fear — now reside inside you and may feel like it’s directed at you.

Our “smarter” brain tries to protect us by negotiating these emotions within our circles because it believes that this action will protect us from experiencing the absolute horror of release. We are afraid to release them because the energy itself is strongly associated with danger, betrayal, and fear. Now you are the home of negative energy that was not supposed to be yours.

What does this have to do with your inability to let go of a toxic relationship?

Why is all this slowing you down when it comes to common advice like ” stop focusing, face the fear of moving on, and focus on yourself?”
Breaking shock bonds.

The reason it seems that you cannot” break ” a painful bond is that you are still experiencing your body’s adaptations to all this chaotic negative energy that is now stored inside. These very adjustments cause you to constantly review what happened, fix it, refrain from feeling fear and sadness, and obsess over the relationship.
Anxiety.

The nervous system experiences trauma as a feeling of the body. In other words, the state of excessive alarm persists as symptoms that can be considered anxiety: increased heart rate, tension, excitement, flashbacks, trembling, muscle soreness, and thoughts of racing.

All this anxiety can feel unfair. We know it’s normal to grieve the loss of a relationship, but the hope is that we’ll feel some sense of relief once we’ve dared to let go of someone we loved, but who we know is toxic, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable. Hang on. Your body is communicating to you that internally, you still feel as if you are in danger. Because this state of anxiety is so closely linked to the trauma bond, this may seem like a passion for your ex and the trauma bond, when in fact, it is a frantic message to stay away.

Disability.

When experiencing a personal trauma, the part of the brain that processes information puts things in context, and communicates with you in a narrative form turns off. You are suspended in emergency activation mode but without the ability to cope with stress.

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That is why the lack of communication is so important. When you are exposed to anything that reminds you of your ex, your nervous system turns on the energy to communicate the presence of a threat but prevents you from consciously placing that threat in the context of what is happening here and now. In this case, it may be difficult to learn new things or assimilate information.

That’s why it can feel like a gut punch to see your ex or hear about his or her life, even after time has passed and you’re sure “you got this.”It can make you feel helpless and hopeless.

Trauma bonds do not “heal over time” because trauma has no sense of time. Don’t expect to never feel excited. Feeling excited doesn’t mean you’re “back to square one” when it comes to processing a breakup. This means that you are experiencing traumatic anxiety, which again makes you feel like you are frozen and frozen. This can lead you to feel depressed even though the current stressors no longer exist. Do not lose hope. Even the smallest part of the awareness of what is happening will help you get out of this state, and this will become more automatic and manageable as you increase this awareness.

Memories of the past.

Since you are unable to place your physiological stress in the context of time and space, you are unable to consciously perceive that the traumatic event happened in the past. This causes confusion between past trauma and current stresses. Your body, behind the scenes, may be experiencing today’s stressful day as a flashback, as if the trauma has returned.

Life continues after a traumatic bond. Other people and situations will put pressure on you and trigger feelings of anxiety that you will unconsciously associate with the trauma bond. That is why stressful days and subsequent disappointments make you feel like you are intensely missing the shock bond.

Shock is like a trance. It makes you less aware of your current state, physical sensations, and feelings. As you begin to feel safe, grounded, and present, you will slowly become more aware of when these flashbacks are happening. You will feel less spellbound and more able to decipher your previous distress from what is currently happening in your life.

Review of traumatic recurrence.

After the animal enters into a fight, or flight, or freezes and releases all the energy that its nervous system evokes to get out of a dangerous situation, the animal enters a state of revision. The goal is to find out what happened and learn from the experience. Traumatized humans also get into this state, except that the revision occurs in a very excited and anxious state because the energy from the experience has not been released.

That is why it is so difficult to stop focusing on what happened, why you suffer from obsessive thoughts, replay old texts, and why you feel abandoned and rejected for a long time after a painful break has occurred. You are processing the shock bond while still in a tense and excessive state.

That is why talking about trauma, reframing the situation with your friends, and recycling anger does not make you feel better and only lead to more trauma. You may feel that you have lost something important because you cannot let go of the compulsive thinking of the trauma bond. This repeated reframing is healthy and normal, but only when performed when you are out of an anxious state and feeling grounded, safe, and present.

The antidote to compulsive retrieval is to remember that trauma lives inside the body, as a physiological state. Once activated, it stops your ability to process information. There is nothing wrong with trying to figure out what happened, but be aware that doing so in this triggered state may make you feel that you need to return to the shock bond.
Excessive vigilance.

Hypervigilance is the inevitable consequence of all this hyperactivity. Trying to understand how you feel, your body is actively searching for the source of the threat, even when no one can be found. This drive can look like a source search installation, although what you may be reacting to is your inner excitement. This gets repetitive and compulsive.

Your body remembers the shock bond. He remembers how she felt and who was around. Even outside of a relationship, a trauma-related person may still feel threatened by a memory of the past when dealing with a current stressor. Your brain checks the source of the threat. Your brain lands on the emotionally charged memory and the image of a person associated with the Trauma Association. You may feel that you are plagued by photos of your ex, but this is only because your body remembers this person as a source of threat, and not because you need to return to this person.

All these symptoms occur because your nervous system is hanging in an overexcited state, looking for a new danger, trying to protect you. The key to releasing the shock bond is to remind yourself, carefully, sympathetically, and consistently that you are no longer in danger and that you are now safe.

• This, first of all, must be true. If you are still in any way involved in the shock bond, then you are not safe. You may feel like you’ve penetrated him and you’re over him and you’re ready for another call or tour, but your physiological systems will probably tell you otherwise.
• When you start to get excited, remind yourself of your place in time and space. You may be experiencing a physiological memory of the past that makes you feel as if you are experiencing trauma again. Trauma deprives you of your ability to stay in the present moment. It plunges you into a trance and prevents you from recognizing how you feel — emotionally and physiologically. There are many grounding methods, including yoga, breathing work, meditation, journaling, and spending time in nature, among many others. Once you get committed to healing, you will seek and find endless sources of information and relief in these. The key is to get started. Yoga will not release your shock bond. Going for a walk will not make memories of the past and obsessive thoughts disappear. However, these things may bring you more awareness of your sensations and feelings, which will help you stay in the present moment when you feel that you have become in a trance state associated with trauma.
• Be emotionally available to yourself. The way to release the shock bond is to very slowly and mercifully separate the amount of fear, which you may not even know you feel, from your negative emotions from the negative emotions themselves. These negative emotions are stored inside you because your body has absorbed them, instead of using the energy of these emotions to flee or fight. They are not yours. These feelings are not your anger or shame. You’re safe now. You no longer need it. But you need a truly secure base in yourself, your environment, and others to slowly release them. Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to leave.

A symptom of bonded trauma is a burning desire to inform the person who hurt you about your recovery. Don’t do that. It will only entrench you further. Your stored negative energy is not yours, but it is not your previous energy either. You may feel that you have to” put it ” somewhere, but this will not get rid of it, and you will only re-traumatize yourself. You can’t put it somewhere else. You can replace it with the knowledge that this energy is no longer necessary to protect you because you are safe now.

Trauma-related people are usually the first experts in their past experiences. To survive, they can distinguish mood changes from small facial movements, side grunts, or the way a person stands. Start becoming aware of yourself.

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Start noticing what motivates you, when you feel overly alert when you are revising or processing the relationship in a tense situation. Start noticing when flashbacks occur. You may find that they occur in response to current life stresses.

When you realize this, you may find that there are other toxic people and situations in your current life that you can let go of to feel more secure. When other toxic bonds fall out, you may feel more willing to be yourself. When you feel more willing to be yourself, you may become less shy and more emotionally aware. You can begin to recognize thoughts and emotions that are not yours.

When you disconnect these, you will feel more secure. To become more self-aware is to work with a huge reward, and you are already very good at doing this with everyone except yourself.

When you separate the past from the present, you will begin to enjoy more in the present. You will solve existing problems better. You will start to feel more like yourself again. You’re safe now, and soon…