Have you ever wondered why a child so craves love and attention from his abusive parents? Or maybe you always seem to end up in toxic relationships? You may not have come across this term, but these are signs of trauma bonding.

What is trauma bonding?

Traumatic bonding is a type of learned attachment pattern that occurs when intermittent love and abuse replace love and care.

To form healthy relationships as we get older, our early attachments to our primary caregivers must be positive. When we are born, having our needs met quickly and experiencing comfort, positive attention, and unconditional love allows us to form healthy bonds.

These positive interactions with those closest to us allow us to grow in confidence and boost our self-esteem. They set the mold in our minds for what healthy, normal relationships are.

But are our early interactions and needs met with abuse or violence, interfering with random emotional acts? We begin to associate love with abuse. Abusive relationships become normal for us. It is trauma that binds us, not love. However, we still crave love and attention from the person who abuses us.

If you have not experienced this type of intermittent reinforcement, whether as a child or an adult, it is difficult to understand the interconnectedness of trauma. Perhaps it makes sense to know that humans have a primal desire to form bonds with others, whether these attachments are loving or abusive. These attachments are essential to our survival.

Now, when we talk about survival, it is important to know that we are activating the primitive part of our brain. All logic and reason go out the window. We don’t think about the future or the long-term consequences. Our immediate concern is to survive at that moment.

As a result, we learn what works for surviving at the moment and what doesn’t. These patterns of behavior become ingrained in our psyche. We repeat it in future relationships. We are looking for partners who show similar characteristics to previous partners.

How does trauma bonding happen?

Trauma bonding occurs when two people experience escalating, intense, risky, and frightening situations together. In intermittent reinforcement, the abuser is harsh and harsh, then indiscriminately performs acts of affection or kindness.

We became addicted to this “little kindness visualization”. Despite the cruel and sadistic behavior of our abuser, we disproportionately exaggerate this kindness.

“In both threat and survival situations, we look for signs of hope—a small sign that the situation may improve. When the abuser/controller shows the victim some simple kindness, even though it benefits the abusers as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as A positive trait for a captor.”

Dr. Carver – Author – The Love and Stockholm Syndrome

Why Narcissists Use Bonding Trauma

Shock bonding is the perfect tool in a manipulator or predator’s arsenal. It is a particular favorite of narcissists because it gives them a high level of control over their victims.

To fully understand why victims become trapped within the trauma bond, we have to examine how the brain and body interact during the early stages of attachment.

stress hormones

When we feel stressed, the body releases stress hormones such as cortisol. In moments of stress, the body releases the “fight or flight” hormone adrenaline.

Happy hormones

Once the body is flooded with adrenaline, the brain springs into action to combat this and sends massive doses of dopamine – the ‘feel good’ hormone.

Our brain tells us to pay attention when dopamine is released because it is essential to our survival. More importantly, dopamine levels are higher after abuse and with unexpected rewards.

The love hormone

Oxytocin is the love hormone that is also called the “cuddle” hormone. It is released after sex when we touch, and even petting a pet. Mothers are exposed to high doses after their baby is born because it helps them bond.

Narcissists use techniques such as love bombing or witchcraft behavior to initiate this powerful chemical. They will mirror your behavior and pretend to understand your deepest desires to form a closer connection.

Signs confusing abuse for love

1. It’s your fault that they are abusive
   If you had cooked dinner the way he likes it, he wouldn’t have had to hit you. Maybe if you got better grades, your parents wouldn’t blame you for all the sacrifices they had to make.
2. They only criticize you for helping you
   Constantly insulting or belittling you in public is not constructive criticism. Especially if it makes you feel worthless. In a healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you.
3. You stop expressing your true feelings
   At the beginning of this new relationship, you felt like your equal. You discuss with your partner and express yourself. Now you shut up. You don’t want to start another argument.
4. You anticipate their wants and needs before your own
   Do you always think about what time they will get home? Do you rearrange the furniture or make sure everything looks right? Do you have to watch the clock to make sure you’re on time?

5. Begin to walk on eggshells around them
   Do you find that the slightest thing will excite her?

I remember being woken up at 3am by my ex yelling at me for not washing my cutting board properly. He was complaining that I had ironed his shirts wrongly. I look at that relationship now and it seems ridiculous that I put up with it for so long.

6. You lower your standards to be with this person
   I remember the first time my ex boyfriend called me with the c word. I was shocked. He didn’t even apologize. I knew he crossed the line and that if I continued the relationship, things would only get worse. I did. By this time, I felt worthless anyway.
7. You think you can change her
   At the beginning of the relationship, things were completely different. They were so kind and charming and treated you with respect. You fell hard and fast without realizing that they were bombarding you with love. Now you believe that with love and support, you can change her back into the person she once was.

But this person was a fake.

8. You feel lucky that he tolerates you
   My ex used to say this all the time. He exhausted me so much that I felt so grateful to him for staying with me. I think having a mother who never expressed any love towards me always led me to believe that I didn’t deserve to be loved.

Predators are skilled at recognizing people who may be vulnerable in this way.

9. You defend them against others
   One clear sign of trauma bonding is if you do your best to protect or justify their behavior. For example, your family may have become anxious, or your friends may be urging you to leave the relationship.

But you defend them. You have ready excuses. Their childhood was spoiled. They are not always like that. It’s your fault for blowing it off.