You’re So Vain, I bet you think this song is about you?

Carly Simon has said that she wrote “You’re So Vain” inspired by three men she knew, one of whom was Warren Beatty, the notorious womanizer of the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s who even Madonna at her most ravenous could not tame.

As the song suggests, there are men and women less so, who find it difficult to express love in a mature way and for whom sex is divorced from the concepts of a shared relationship.

The song points to vanity as the culprit, but with narcissism, that’s probably only a small part of the story of why some narcissists have dysfunctional sex lives.

At the heart of mutually pleasurable sexual relationships, there must be a degree of physical attraction, but also those other less obvious components like feeling comfortable in one’s own skin and a degree of positive self-esteem.

Michelle and Barack Obama have plenty of that, as their Valentine’s Day tweet made clear.

But this time, you have to pity the narcissist, because they start their lives with a severe handicap in establishing a mature loving relationship.

The Role of Shame in the Narcissist

One of the most important features of narcissism is the role that shame plays in the psyche of narcissists.

No child is born a narcissist, but most become one because of their experiences during childhood.

Attachment during childhood is one of the building blocks of positive mental health in adulthood.

If a child is embraced when he needs comfort, loved unconditionally even when he is not loved and respected for being who he is, and the adult-child relationship is managed consistently by adults, they develop a secure attachment.

The child feels safe and has a model for how relationships work. What’s more, they have the confidence to make mistakes.

One of the paths to narcissism in children who are prone to mood swings is a different model of parenting, where love is expressed conditionally and linked to achievement, or being “the best” or “the first.”

These parents may openly express their disappointment if the child fails to live up to their experiences. Validation becomes externalized and, in a strange twist, shaming becomes internalized. The child learns shame when they are “not good enough.”

This shame can be linked to sexuality and sexual expression as an adult.

Shame is worse than guilt. Guilt can be linked to a specific event or something we have done or not done.

Shame, on the other hand, makes us feel bad about who we are.

Shame is linked to anxiety and can lead to anger and rage. Shame is also thought to be the opposite of open expression of sexuality.

Shame, anxiety, and feelings of insecurity about oneself may mean that the narcissist may have problems with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or an inability to achieve orgasm.

This conflicts with other aspects of their expected personality and reinforces feelings of inadequacy.

This can lead to narcissistic rage stemming from their wounded pride.

This in turn can lead to sexual fantasies that may involve dominating and raping a helpless female and engaging in violent sex, which some may choose to engage in. Some therapists see this as transferring shame from themselves to others.

breakup

Narcissists make first dates attractive. First, they can demand attention and will show their lover that they are having a good time and because they exude an air of great confidence, they can make a good impression on a new conquest.

However, narcissists may lack the persistence required in a monogamous relationship because the attention of one lover may not be enough,

They may also opt for the flattery of “paid for” sexual encounters because these lovers are fickle and adept at giving the client what they want most.

Having multiple lovers may also serve them better because they need a source of external validation.

It may also reassure them that they are successful, almost mythical lovers—a Casanova or a Don Juan, doing something that less daring others might be afraid to do.

Sex is less about intimacy between two people than it is about the narcissist’s performance—counting the number of orgasms he or she can “give you,” and perhaps even outright performances—having sex in a hotel, or staying with friends.

Sex is also likely to end within minutes of the narcissist’s orgasm, because his or her model is based on “taking” rather than giving satisfaction.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding are problematic for him because the baby takes up his or her space and can interfere with his or her performance.

At these times, the narcissist may look for others to provide him or her with his or her sexual supply. Eventually, when you no longer serve a purpose, the narcissist abandons you as a lover.

Transgressive Sex

Because of their sense of entitlement, narcissists can believe they have the right to do whatever they want—the end justifies the means.

This is especially bad when it comes to sex, and possible sex addiction and rape.

Physiologically, orgasm has the potential to be addictive for anyone. First, there is a sense of detachment and loss of self.

Second, there is a rush of neurotransmitters in the brain. The combination of this and narcissism is a potentially explosive cocktail (1).

The narcissist seeks to escape negative thoughts and can be freed from his or her constraints in the search for sensation, both of which can be satisfied through the organic rush.

The narcissist shows no moral qualms and will enjoy his pleasure any way he can get it.

Baumeister (2002) claimed that cognitive distortions (“I really liked you”), an exaggerated sense of self, and a general lack of empathy may lead some narcissists to commit rape believing they are having a consensual sexual encounter.

Put yourself in the narcissist’s shoes and you can imagine yourself as James Bond dazzling another boy who is cute in your arms as the song fades into the distance… You’re so egotistical, I bet you think the song is about you.