Nothing ruins a perfectly good day faster than someone who is full of negativity and toxins.
Toxic people are everywhere, and the worst part is that most of them don’t even realize that they are the problem.
Most toxic people think that everyone else is the problem when it comes to negativity.
If you find yourself wondering whether or not someone is being negative, consider these 10 warning signs that can help you determine if you are surrounded by toxic people.
It’s important to face these demons head-on because you don’t need to deal with these kind of people — you need to stay away from them because they can leave you emotionally drained.
Here are some signs of a toxic person, and then we will learn about them
14 ways how to deal with these difficult people.
1) They only care about you when it serves them
Everyone has one “friend” they only call when they need a favor. Or maybe it is a family member who you feel obligated to help.
Whatever they are to you, if they are only calling on you when they need something from you, they are a toxic person.
Learn about it and start making plans to extricate yourself from that relationship. Someone who only takes and never gives is not someone you need in your life.
2) They hold a grudge
Toxic people love to stir up drama, and one of the best ways to do that is to talk about something stupid you did in the past.
Maybe they tease you in front of your friends, or maybe they throw it in your face in a bad way, and you feel bad about it again.
It’s as if they have Peter Pan syndrome and can’t let anything go.
According to an article in Forbes by Travis Bradbury, toxic people may fear that people will harm them:
If someone is spending a lot of time searching for the past and not working to get over themselves, then you need to move on.
Holding a meaningless grudge is a sure way to drive people away.
3) They make you feel stuck
A person with toxic behavior will do everything they can to make you feel bad about your life because as much as they put on a good show, they feel bad about their life.
According to the book 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Recognizing and Dealing With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities, the author says that the trait of “high-conflict personalities” is extreme negative behavior:
They will bring out the best in their passive aggressive nature and make it very clear that you cannot run from your job, or whatever situation you find yourself in.
Mostly, they are unable to move on with their lives, and they need people to stay with them in that place.
If you have toxic people in your life who make you feel sick, you need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice.
4) They mess with your hopes and dreams
You will know that you are in the presence of negative and toxic people if every time you announce something, they lie about it and tell you a million reasons why you can’t do the thing you want to do.
In fact, Jacqueline Newman, a New York City-based divorce and marriage attorney, tells Bustle that a sign of toxic behavior is if they insult you with persuasive, constructive comments:
The comments get worse over time, to the point where you doubt yourself and your goals.
Whether you want to buy a new car, find a new job, find new love or move to a new city, their negativity has more to do with them than with you, so just ignore it.
They will give her a good hook though, so watch out.
5) They are lying to you
Toxic people can’t help themselves when it comes to lying. It’s as if they need to fan the flames of drama and chaos in order to be happy.
According to Shannon Thomas, LCSW, at Greatist, “Toxic people are skillful manipulators, skillful liars, and great actors…they can hide everywhere.”
If a person does not fight, he does not live. They will lie to people about you, for you, for you, and they will do the same in your circle of acquaintances in order to satisfy their own needs.
If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be “thrown under the bus,” stick with a toxic person, and you’ll find out soon enough.
6) You feel negative when you are around them
Toxic people are like cancer in a bucket. Have you ever seen crabs in a bucket?
They all try to escape at once and end up dragging each other down. They don’t want to see any of their kind succeed so they just grab it, pull it, and voila! Nobody gets out.
Wow, talk about a tough crowd.
According to Abigail Brenner (MD, Psychology Today), there is a negative atmosphere around toxic people because they focus on problems, not solutions:
If you have toxic people in your life, you probably feel like you’re in a bucket full of crabs.
They don’t want to help, and they won’t help themselves, yet they want everyone around them to feel as bad as they do about life, love, work, money, and happiness.
Jodi Gill, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia, says toxic people tend to have deep wounds:
Basically, they want everyone to feel as bad as they feel. According to Brenner, this is because toxic people project their feelings onto you:
If you walk away from a negative conversation and find yourself carrying around the feeling for a while, or making negative comments to others afterwards, this is a good indication that you just spent time with a toxic person. They are so cool!
Toxic people have a way of infiltrating our lives and making an unwanted impression but they find their way in any way. He stays with us sometimes. Get rid of it and get back to being you.
7) They want what you have
Toxic people cannot be happy for you no matter how much you achieve or accomplish in your life. So much so that they are willing to get you out of the way to get it.
According to Rhonda Freeman Ph.D. A book in Psychology Today describes a common trait of a narcissist:
As mentioned earlier, toxic people tend to be very narcissistic. They will beg, borrow, and steal their way into this part of your life for a piece of the pie, and then claim it all as their own.
Watch them closely at work because if they hate your happiness, they will try to take it from you.
8) They encourage you to feel sorry for them
The interesting thing about toxic people is that they need a lot of social interaction to maintain their toxicity. Finally, you cannot be negative if you are alone.
“Toxic people drain you and leave you emotionally broken,” according to Shannon Thomas, LCSW, at Greatist. “They want you to feel sorry for them and be responsible for all their problems — and then fix those problems, too.”
They’ll try to get you to agree with their toxic assessments of a situation or person, and then they’ll tell everyone what you said. Get away from them. It’s bad news.
9) They expect you to be a different person
Negative people will hate you no matter what you do or act, so it’s best to be yourself.
They want you to be everything or anyone else, and nothing will ever be good enough because they think it’s perfect when in reality they are far from it. Just ignore their comments trying to bring you down. They will find rock bottom soon enough.
This may be because narcissists have a high need for perfection, says Margalis Fjellstad, PhD, LMFT at Mind Body Green:
10) They will not hesitate to manipulate you at any cost
When it comes to toxic people, there is no such thing as kindness or integrity.
If they want something from you, they will do everything they can to get it.
Books by Abigail Brenner M.D. In Psychology Today:
If you’re in their way, they won’t care about your feelings or your needs. They’ll say what they need, make up lies, and compliment you until you work in their service.
Now that we’ve talked about how to spot a toxic person, let’s review 8 ways to deal with it.
Whether it’s an old friend who’s turned sour, a competitive co-worker, or a family member who just doesn’t want to disappear, toxic people can be difficult to deal with.
Should you fight fire with fire? Or should you simply accept them as they are? These are difficult questions that are not easy to answer.
Here are 14 strategies for dealing with toxic people:
1) Learn which traits make you easy prey
First, you need to know why they are targeting you.
Do you have a need to satisfy or are you afraid to cause even the slightest conflict?
Take a step back and reflect on the interactions you had by focusing on what you did, not what you felt – and see if you can find a pattern.
Once you find a pattern, you can be more aware of the behaviors that cause this person to take advantage of you.
Keep in mind that assessing the traits that cause abuse in you does not mean that you take responsibility. They are still to blame, but this will help you avoid them targeting you in the future.
2) Accept that it may take some time to get rid of them
For some, getting rid of a toxic person will take time.
This is especially true if the toxic person is close to you, lives in your home, or is in some way responsible for your financial situation, for example, a toxic boss.
However, if you already know they are toxic, this may help you protect yourself.
You may need to identify how the process began and what you hope to achieve by removing it from your life.
This is also a crucial step because you will need to consider how toxic you are and decide if you are expecting someone else.
Be honest about where you are and why this is an issue for you and you will be in a better place to start removing him from your life.
3) Find out your reaction
Again, without blaming the dynamic, you should look at how you overreact and underreact in the relationship.
Try not to get emotional with them. Toxic people don’t deserve that anyway.
Be clear, concise, blunt, and logical, and don’t associate yourself with anything they say.
4) Trust your instincts
Some people stay in an abusive relationship because they don’t trust themselves or their own judgment.
You tend to rationalize their toxic behavior or give the person the benefit of the doubt.
But there will come a time when this will be enough. If it’s affecting you emotionally and making your life worse, it’s time to take a stand.
If you find yourself constantly making excuses for someone, stop and question your intuition while bringing your brain with you.
Life is a precious gift. Don’t let other toxic people ruin it for you.
5) No is your new best friend
It is possible that the toxic person in your life did not force their way into your life without your permission.
It is possible that they slowly, little by little, made their way into your life breaking your boundaries and not progressing their full potential through your life and making it miserable.
This is why you need to be firm and direct. Margarita Tartakovsky, MS. Psych Central offers some great advice on how to be more assertive when talking to a toxic person:
You may find it difficult to tell them no. Perhaps they are fragile and you see it, or you see that they have no one else and you feel sorry for the situation they are in.
Stop this now.
The easiest way to cut a toxic person out of your life is to learn how to channel and use the word “no” whenever and wherever possible. Keep them at arm’s length by not letting them into your kingdom.
6) Beware of the sunk cost fallacy
What keeps you in this relationship?
According to Paige Streep in Psychology Today:
People also prefer the known over the unknown. Keep this in mind and realize that losing in the short term can actually lead to gains in the long term.
7) Learn about the strength of intermittent reinforcement
Despite what you might think, humans are overly optimistic. We tend to see a close loss as a “close win”. This is what keeps people on the slot machines.
Evolution explains this.
In the days of the hunter-gatherer, when life’s challenges were mostly physical, staying motivated enough to keep going and turning an impending win into a real one was a good thing.
Roberta Sato Ph.D. He explains how we can be on the wrong side of intermittent reinforcement:
So, in toxic relationships, we have a drive to stay there, even though we only get what we want some of the time.
“Every now and then” is not a pattern and you should keep that in mind.
In fact, narcissists are very skilled at what’s called “love bombing.” According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “showering someone with signs of adoration and attraction… designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”
Look at your life over the course of a month and ask yourself if they really add to it.
If you are not, then you need to think of ways in which you can see them less, or if you have to, not see them at all.
8) Ignore their social media
Whatever you do, don’t torture yourself on social media after their every move. Toxic people love to use the internet to let the rest of the world know how bad things are or how right they are about things.
As Amanda McKelvey points out on MSN, you have to be willing to take the first step to improving your social media vibe:
It’s hard to be around because the toxic person is likely to constantly ask you, “Did you see my post!?” And they will want an answer.
All you need to respond quickly is, “Sorry, I’ve been very busy.”
If you want to take things to the next level, you can be very clear about why you don’t follow them on social media and get in the conversation to see if they’re willing to make up.
9) Don’t waste your time trying to be told otherwise
Here’s the thing about toxic people: They don’t want to help you. They don’t want to learn more, do better, or be different.
They want everyone around them to bear their ways and provide them with accommodations.
It’s an impossible situation and you can bet it’s one you can’t improve on.
Trying to fix it won’t work anyway, according to Elizabeth Scott, MS in Very Well Mind:
These people, no matter how smart and cunning they are, are passive and trouble-seeking.
They don’t see how they hurt others and will continue to do so because in a sick way, it makes them feel good.
Or at least, it doesn’t make them feel bad about themselves.
10) Create distance (if you can)
Whenever possible, stay away from them. If they are at work, have lunch at a different time or in a different place.
In fact, a great strategy to adopt is the “gray rock technique”.
In short, the Gray Rock method enhances blending.
If you look around at the ground, you don’t see the individual rocks as they are: you see the dirt, rocks, and grass as a group.
When we encounter narcissists and toxic people, they tend to see it all.
The Gray Rock method gives you the option to blend so that you don’t serve as a target for that person.
Live Strong says Gray Rock’s style involves not responding emotionally:
If you can’t completely separate them from your life, try to separate yourself from them as much as possible.
Don’t change your life so drastically that you can’t enjoy your time at work anymore, but be careful about how you feel and what you get out of the conversations you have with this person.
It might be easier to eat in your car a few days a week than try to put up with their crap another day in the lunch room.
If this person lives in your house, eventually you’ll have to sit down and have a serious conversation with them, but if it’s temporary, just keep your distance, and fill your calendar with the things you want to do instead of listening. They complain about life and wait for it.
11) Patrol those borders or plan an exit strategy
If the toxic person is someone you can’t avoid, you need to set limits on the kind of behavior and communication you’ll have.
You don’t have to be rude, but you do have to be firm and decisive.
You could say to a co-worker, “I’m okay with criticism, but my excess weight has nothing to do with my performance.”
12) Expect retaliation
It is possible that the toxic person is benefiting in some way from the way they act towards you.
Once the boundaries are set, they will likely redouble their efforts to continue manipulation to gain the upper hand.
Be firm, forceful, and direct. Do not allow them to manipulate you emotionally. Whatever they say shouldn’t carry any weight.
If you’ve made a little contact, stay that way.
In Mind Body Green, Annice Star, who was involved in a relationship with a narcissist, decides to see her partner again after months of separation. Here’s why it’s a bad idea:
13) Don’t normalize abusive behavior. This is important. If they’ve treated you badly for a while, chances are they’ve rationalized their behavior, according to Paige Stripe:
The bottom line is that emotional or verbal abuse is never okay.
If you are OK with it, or your reaction to it (which is what they are looking for), they will continue to do so.
So don’t get emotional, rationally explain why they were wrong and go about your day unaffected.
Once they know that you are a difficult target to get a reaction from, they will eventually give up.
14) Say goodbye
In some cases, you will have to accept it and let the person out of your life. This may be easier said than done because toxic people have a way of hanging out.
We’ve said it before, but toxic people can be extremely narcissistic, and that can be hard to change.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Diane Grande, Ph. D., a narcissist “will only change if it serves his or her purpose.”
But if you make it absolutely clear to yourself that you don’t want such toxicity in your life, they might get so offended that they snoop around anyway, and they’ll do the job of ditching your life so you don’t have to. .
So save yourself the hassle and prioritize your happiness and sanity. In many cases, you may not have a choice, so when you do have a choice, get out now.
It won’t be easy, but it will be rewarding.
Who knows, you might find it easy! It can be a good idea to tell someone that you don’t like their behavior and that you deserve better in life.
Whatever feels right for you, do it. But whatever you do, don’t continue to live in a shell because of how this person makes you feel small in your life. Not worth it.
