We’ve all had toxic people seducing us with their venom. Sometimes it’s more like being submerged. Difficult people are attracted to reasonable people, and we’ve all likely had (or had) at least one person in our lives who makes us bend around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them — only to never get there.

Their harm lies in the subtlety and the way they can generate that classic, “It’s not them, it’s me” response. They can make you question your ‘overreaction’, ‘excessive sensitivity’, ‘your tendency to misunderstand’. If you are the one who is constantly getting hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your behavior to avoid getting hurt, then you are probably not the one who is constantly getting hurt, or the one who is constantly modifying your behavior.

Being able to detect their harmful behavior is the first step to reducing their impact. You may not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with them, and any notion that someone in your life might have the power to get away with it.

There are a lot of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations in their favor. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you avoid being influenced by:

They will keep you guessing about which version of them to get.

They will be totally beautiful one day and the next you will wonder what you did to upset them. Often there isn’t anything obvious that explains a change of heart – you just know something isn’t right. They may be prickly, sad, cold, or cranky and when you ask if something is wrong, the answer will probably be “nothing” – but they will give you just enough to let you know there is something. “Enough” may be a loud sigh, a raised eyebrow, and a cold shoulder. When this happens, you may find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything in your power to make them happy. See why it works for them?

Stop trying to please them. Toxic people discovered a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or don’t last long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood changes. You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. If you did something unintentionally to hurt someone, ask them, talk about it, and if necessary, apologize. In any case, you should not guess.

They will mess around.

If you feel as though you are the only person contributing to the relationship, you are probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending the feeling that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something to hurt you, and then maintaining that they do it all for you. This is especially common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is off. ‘I left those six months of recording for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the chance to learn your way around filing cabinets.’

I don’t owe anyone anything. If it doesn’t feel like it’s a service, it isn’t.

They won’t own their feelings.

Instead of owning their feelings, they will act as if their feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, an angry person may accuse you but will not take responsibility for it that you are angry with them. It might be as subtle as, “Are you okay with me?” Or a little more, “Why are you angry with me,” or “I’ve been in a bad mood all day.”

You will find yourself justifying and defending yourself and this often goes in circles – because it’s not about you. Get clear about what is yours and what is theirs. If you feel as though you’ve been defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t suit you, you may be projected. You do not have to explain, justify, defend yourself, or deal with a false accusation. Remember that.

It will make you prove yourself to them.

They will regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you will always feel obligated to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you commit, and then they will reveal the drama. “If you care about me, you can skip exercise class and spend some time with me.” The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, you can probably wait.

They never apologize.

They will lie before they apologize, so there is no point in arguing. They will twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they will believe their nonsense.

People don’t have to apologize for being wrong. And I don’t need an apology to move on. Just progress – without them. Don’t compromise your truth but don’t keep arguing. There is no benefit. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than provide fodder for the right fighters.

They will be there in crisis but they will never share your joy.

They will find the reasons why your good news is not good news. The classics: About a promotion – “Money isn’t good for the amount of work you’re going to do.” About a beach holiday – “Well, it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?” About being made queen of the universe – “Well the universe isn’t that big you know and I’m sure you won’t have tea breaks.” Do you get the idea? Don’t let them discourage you or reduce you to their size. You don’t need his approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

They will leave the conversation incomplete – after which they will go offline.

They won’t pick up their phones. They will not respond to text messages or emails. And between rounds of their voicemails, you may find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing the status of the relationship, wondering what you did to upset them, or whether they died, are alive or just ignore you – all of which can feel in your heart. Sometimes the same. People who care about you won’t let you continue to feel rubbish without trying to work it out. This does not mean that you will sort it out, of course, but at least they will try. Take it as a sign that they are invested in the relationship if they leave you “out” for long sessions.

They will use non-toxic words with a poisoned tone.

The message may be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more than that. Something like, “What did you do today?” It can mean different things depending on the way it was said. It can mean anything from “So I bet you didn’t do anything – as usual” to “I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t notice enough to ask.”, “Everything you said is what I did today,” which is true, sort of, not really.

They will add irrelevant details to the conversation.

When you are trying to solve something important to you, toxic people will provide irrelevant details from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, and you’re still standing up for yourself, instead of dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it always feels like it ends with what you did to them.

They will talk about the way you talk, not what you talk about.

Perhaps you are trying to solve a problem or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and to the way you talked about it – whether or not there was any problem with your method. You’ll find yourself defending your tone of voice, your gestures, your choice of words, or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t have to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need has gone into a pile of unfinished conversations that seem to be getting bigger by the day.

They exaggerate.

“You always…” “You will never be…” It is hard to defend yourself against this kind of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Indisputable. You will not win. I don’t need that.

It’s judicial.

We all make mistakes sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know that. They will judge you and criticize your confidence suggesting that you are less than because you made a mistake. We are all allowed to make a mistake now and then, but unless we do something that affects them, no one has the right to judge.

Knowing toxic people’s favorites will sharpen their radar, making their manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. Most importantly, if you know the hallmarks of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself into a double knot trying to please them.

Some people just can’t be pleased and some people just won’t be good to you – and a lot of the time that has nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your faults, your quirks, and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember that if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need your approval. You don’t always have to donate it, but if you do, don’t make the cost too high.