Toxic Parents: 25 Signs Of Parental Toxicity + The One Way You Can Heal

I have always defined a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for their own. And I stand by that about toxic parents. But I feel that it is much more difficult to admit (and in some cases, even start recognizing) the toxicity of our parents than a toxic romantic relationship, a toxic ex-relationship, or a toxic boyfriend.

Whenever I wonder if one of my parents (or both) is toxic, I immediately feel guilty and ashamed; almost as if I committed a crime. We enter this world looking for our parents and loving them unconditionally – no matter what they do or don’t do. When we are children, our parents are all we have to trust and rely on to survive.
What does it mean to have toxic parents? How do you deal with toxic parents?

First and foremost, I am not into bashing parents or blaming parents. No one has ever had the perfect parent, and no one will ever be the perfect parent, and our parents did their best at all given their circumstances (of which we may never know the full story). What I’m into, is advocating compassionate curiosity when it comes to our programming.

Related : Is My Relationship Toxic? 10 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

Having a toxic father means many things. The common denominator of parental toxicity is, in my opinion, to be on the receiving end of behavior from one of the parents( or both parents) that constantly makes you:

Question your worth.
Feel obliged to ignore your feelings (and in some cases, mental health) because you "owe" to your parents (parents).
I feel guilty.
Feel the fear of losing them / their love.

Dealing with toxic parents requires that you first identify (and eventually accept) that your parents(s) are toxic. And secondly, start healing yourself instead of expecting your parents (and romantic partners, family members, or friends who remind you of them) to heal you.

Here are 25 signs of parental toxicity

They made conditions about love that should have been given to you unconditionally when you were a child.
They are very critical of you and have unreasonable expectations.
They implicate you. You are their father at times, temporary emotional spouse and confidant at other times, and every time, there is a complete disregard for your boundaries.
Toxic parents did not teach nor empower and encourage you to have healthy boundaries.
They can compete with you very self-absorbed.
They always start arguments and" discussions " with you.
Nothing is ever good enough.
They are emotionally, verbally, and/or physically abusive.
Toxic parents confuse love for you with control over you.
They are immersed in themselves. If they seem proud of you or encourage you, generally raise their profile.
They put their selfish needs over your emotional needs.
They are emotionally unavailable and sympathetically broke at best, narcissists (and in some cases, sociopaths) at worst.
They made you feel like you were wrong when all you did was make a mistake.
They put you in charge of their emotional ritual. Your responsibility was to "make them proud" and " make them happy.”
One of the ways they controlled you was to make you feel guilty.
I was more interested in impressing them than doing what makes you happy.
They are better when you are down and out. When you are happy and things are going great for you, they take it away by having some emergency or destroying your joy with their criticism and negativity. Toxic dads are very good at being almost aggressively positive when you're going through tough times and being negative when you're positive.
They humiliate you in front of others.
With toxic parents, interaction is at an all-time high. They never ride their white horse. Everything provokes an almost theatrical reaction from them. They do this to get attention, make their position known, and their voice is heard. They, too, are very passive-aggressive.
They absorb the energy of every event, holiday, milestone, announcement, and situation. Everything always ends up being all about them.
They cannot meditate; they are not self-aware at all.
You have a dependency relationship with them.
They betrayed your trust but expect you to trust them unconditionally.
They made you keep their secrets.
They've triangulated you. You always felt that it was to "work" for the sake of their love, and attention. They also made you think that her validation was your emotional oxygen. They treat your friends (or even the people who hurt and betrayed you) better than they treat you.

Wow, wow. When I reread this list I wrote, I feel ashamed to admit that I have been a lot of these numbers in the past. Over the years of writing this blog, I have been very open about how much of a liar I was and how selfish and toxic I was. I’m not ashamed of it and I’m still a work in progress, as we all are. I would be much more ashamed if I pissed away the chances I had to evolve. I would be very shy if I continued to stay in the avoidance, delusion, and denial required to move on.

The only way you can be cured of toxic parents

Forgive them. Forgiveness is adjusting your boundaries in the light of accepting who someone has proven himself to be. Once you forgive, you can start implementing healthy boundaries.

Related : 7 Harmful Myths About PTSD

Sharpen on exactly what you need from them and what you do not have. Accept that they will not be able to give you these things and strive to become everything they are not.

Toxic parents have emotional quadriplegia. And just because you may see them emotionally walking with another person, it does not mean that they are walking. This means that they need to rely (heavily) and rely on this person to do it. (**I mean disrespecting people with physical disabilities at all; I am sure you know where my heart is with this example but you never want to hurt or offend anyone unintentionally).

When you do this, you will stop worrying about repeating the cycle; about being a toxic friend of your friends, a toxic partner in your romantic relationship, and even a toxic parent if you already have children or want children.