Dealing with a toxic spouse is hard. You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
You question yourself all the time. You never know when the next argument might erupt out of nowhere.
It’s impossible to live like that.
Every relationship has its natural ups and downs, but toxic relationships are almost constantly deteriorating.
Toxicity can happen without you even knowing what’s happening until one day you realize you’re never truly happy.
You never feel completely at peace, because you’re always worrying about when the next row will erupt.
Because it’s so constant, you don’t have the space to think about what you want, whether that’s the way you want to live or whether you should just walk away.
You just want things to go back to the way they were before when you fell in love, went on fun dates, and felt like you were always on the same team.
No matter how toxic your relationship has become, there may be a path back to happiness.
But getting there takes some serious thinking and possibly some tough choices.
This is scary, and you may find yourself asking yourself, “Is this that bad? Is he toxic, or am I just exaggerating?”
In this article, we’ll first walk you through the signs that your husband is toxic, so you can decide for yourself whether he is.
We’ll then look at what you can do about it, how to decide whether to stay and what you can do to leave if you decide that’s what you should do.
What are the signs that your husband is toxic?
When you think your husband might be toxic, you often end up doubting yourself. Check out this list of
11 signs so you can decide for yourself whether he is toxic.
- You don’t have a say in decisions
Toxicity often manifests itself in controlling and possessive behavior.
Do you find that you never have a say in what happens, even in the little things?
Does your husband always have to choose what to have for dinner, even if you’re the one cooking?
Does he criticize your choice of clothes, so that you always end up changing?
Do you always have to go to bed at the same time as him, or is he always angry the next day?
These may seem like small things, but they’re often part of a bigger picture.
A husband who keeps telling you he hates your clothes is also likely unhappy that you’re taking the lead on bigger decisions.
Or worse, he may not want to have a say at all.
What happens when you talk about the future? Are you afraid to even mention it?
Maybe you’ve always dreamed of moving out of town, and you thought he did, too, but now he refuses to even discuss it?
Or maybe you wanted kids, and you got married after planning it, but now he acts like you never mentioned it (which makes you feel bad and sad)?
This doesn’t mean you have to always agree. It doesn’t mean he can’t change his mind.
But in healthy relationships, there’s always a willingness to discuss and compromise on decisions, big or small.
In a toxic relationship, you end up agreeing to whatever they want because you’re afraid of the consequences if you don’t.
- You feel depressed and tired all the time
In a toxic relationship, you feel like it’s draining your life. Does this sound familiar?
If you feel like you can’t get enough sleep, even though you’ve slept for 9 hours, that’s a sign something is wrong.
Or if you’re constantly feeling sluggish and struggling to enjoy the things that used to bring you joy, something is wrong.
These feelings aren’t always caused by a toxic relationship, but they don’t come out of nowhere. Be honest with yourself about why this is happening to you.
- Your friends are constantly trying to tell you something is wrong
Your friends can often tell you’re in a toxic relationship before you can, especially if they were friends who knew you before the relationship started.
If they’ve seen you go from being a happy, social person to someone who rarely socializes and doesn’t seem to enjoy the life you used to have, they’ll know why.
Think about the conversations you’ve had with friends lately. Have they mentioned your husband? Or have you always felt like they don’t like him?
They have your best interests at heart, so it’s worth listening to what they have to say (even if it hurts).
- He tries to keep you from seeing your friends
Since your friends will almost always know if something is wrong, a toxic husband probably won’t be too keen on you seeing your friends.
Do you find that your husband keeps finding excuses to go out with you on nights out with friends?
Is there always a reason why you cancel that long-awaited girls’ dinner?
Does he refuse to host a barbecue or dinner at your house, even when you owe him a lot of invitations?
A toxic husband will often try to justify his attempt to isolate you from others as a sign of his love for you.
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He might tell you that he’s worried that you’ll end up drinking too much if he’s not there to protect you, or that another man might try to take advantage of you.
He’ll tell you that he loves you so much that he doesn’t want to be without you, even for one night.
But in a healthy relationship, both partners need space to be themselves, to socialize separately as well as together, and to pursue whatever hobbies they choose.
- Your husband isn’t the person you turn to for support
One of the great things about a healthy, productive relationship is that you are each other’s biggest source of support and guidance. When you hear people say, “He’s my rock,” that’s what they mean.
In a toxic relationship, you’ll often do everything you can to hide any emotional distress from your husband.
He’s the last person you turn to when you need to talk about something, not the first.
You’re afraid that he’ll react angrily or simply reject you if you ask him for support.
If he also isolates you from your friends, you’ll have no source of support at all.
He doesn’t like you trying to improve yourself
Toxic husbands will often do anything they can to prevent you from meeting new people, trying new things, or visiting new places.
They’re afraid that if you do, you’ll drift away from them and have a reason to leave them.
Maybe you want to start training for a new career you’ve been dreaming of, but he makes it clear that he thinks you’ll fail, so don’t bother.
Or maybe you want to start running, but he keeps finding reasons not to let you go for a run.
He may even tell you that by trying to do what you want to do, you’re hurting your marriage.
He’s scared and insecure, and that insecurity means he can’t risk feeling like you’re achieving more than him.
He needs to feel like you’re less accomplished and successful than him.
- You’re always taking the blame
Because a toxic husband is insecure about himself, he’ll always try to shift the blame onto you.
If he scratched the car while you were parking it, he’ll tell you it was your fault because you distracted him. If he burned dinner, it’s your fault. You didn’t offer to cook, because you should have known he was too tired.
He can’t take responsibility for normal accidents and small failures, because his fragile ego needs to believe he’s not to blame.
He also over-criticizes you when you make small mistakes. You might get 24 hours of silence just because you forgot to bring food for dinner, for example.
In healthy relationships, both partners accept that they will sometimes make small mistakes and that this is just part of life, and usually something to laugh about together, rather than argue about.
A non-toxic partner will call to order pizza when you forget dinner, then crack open wine to celebrate your unexpected night of pleasure. They won’t spend hours telling you how awful you are.
- You never have sex… or even cuddle
Toxic relationships are not loving, happy partnerships. It’s no surprise that if you’re with someone who constantly criticizes you, you’ll find yourself unwilling to have sex with them.
The lack of emotional intimacy leads to a lack of physical intimacy.
But it’s not just about sex. In a relationship that has become toxic, any kind of physical closeness often ceases.
You never share a spontaneous hug in the kitchen. You eat dinner in silence without even looking at each other.
A toxic spouse may also use sex and intimacy as a tool of control.
They will withhold it as punishment for doing things they deem “wrong,” and if you do have sex, it can be violent, unemotional, and one-sided. They won’t make you feel loved and appreciated, but rather exploited.
- You’re always arguing
Every couple argues sometimes. But in a toxic relationship, you may find yourself in a volatile cycle of constant arguments with extreme highs and lows.
Your relationship and life feel constantly unstable. You may find that he keeps breaking up with you after an argument, only to get back together the next day. This leaves you constantly trying to make him happy to avoid the exhausting cycle of breakups and make-up.
Can a marriage with a toxic man be saved?
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Only if both parties in the marriage are willing to talk openly and honestly, and can change.
It’s worth noting, before you try to save your toxic marriage, that many of these marriages simply cannot be saved.
There’s a difference between a toxic marriage and an abusive marriage. If your husband has become abusive, either to you or (if you have children), you need to be very careful.
If you want to try to save him, be aware that it’s very likely that you won’t be able to do so.
Experts recommend that if your marriage has become physically abusive, don’t try to save it.
This can put you at risk, and it’s important to get out of the marriage to stay safe.
Emotional abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, so even if your spouse isn’t physically abusive yet, you should be aware that this can change.
Anyone in an abusive marriage should seek professional help.
If you feel your spouse is toxic but not necessarily abusive, there is a chance to save your marriage.
It’s worth noting that almost everyone is capable of some level of toxic or unhealthy behavior in a relationship. Few, if any, relationships are ideal.
The difference between healthy relationships, where people occasionally behave in unhealthy ways, and toxic relationships, is communication.
It’s unlikely that you and your spouse will be completely aligned in your goals, values, and dreams.
There will always be times when you disagree or have different priorities.
Loving communication and mutual appreciation, whether as partners or friends, is what will make the difference in whether or not you can move past the toxicity and reestablish a healthy connection.
Do you think this is possible in your relationship? Talk to your husband. Tell him openly and honestly how you feel when he engages in toxic behavior. If you feel like he is constantly criticizing you, talk (when you are calm, not when you are angry) about how it makes you feel.
