In March last year, I wrote a blog post on how to spot, drop, and move on from fake friends. A couple of years ago, I wrote a post about why I don’t have friends (and how that’s not necessarily a bad thing). These are still, two of the most popular posts I’ve written. A few days ago, I did a Q&A on Instagram. There were so many questions about toxic friends and how to let go of a toxic friendship, I decided to do a survey asking if my next blog post should be about toxic friendships. The results were ninety-nine percent ” yes “and one percent” no.”
So, here I am.
Readers and clients often ask me how could I be in such an amazing romantic relationship, yet, still be able to write about toxicity and breakups as if I had experienced one in real-time, with them.
What most people don’t know is that I’ve been going through the most difficult breakup of my life for the past four years.
This is not something I feel comfortable sharing because I’m still navigating my way through it (and I care deeply about the person in question and their privacy). But breakups at work, with friends, and toxic family members hurt just as much as breakups with toxic romantic partners.
During the years of writing this blog, I have been through two breakups with toxic friends. I never imagined that these two friends would not be in my life. These are people that I couldn’t be any closer to.
Breaking up with toxic friends is confusing, destructive, and very lonely. It can also make you feel very guilty and ashamed. After I wrote above that while writing this blog, “I’ve gone through a couple of breakups with toxic friends,” I immediately wanted to delete it. There was a part of me that felt like such a failure.
But I’m not writing this blog from any kind of high psychological horse. And I can’t use it as a way to express how perfect I am. I still fail more than I succeed; I still mess up in my relationships. I still feel insecure and scared. And I will always be imperfect. The difference now is that I can get some sympathy for myself. I can gently redirect and remind myself that this is never about me having eggs on my face.
It has always been and will always be about you.
Returning to toxic friendships…
It’s one thing to go through a breakup with someone you’ve been dating for a few months or stop talking to a family member (I’m in no way underestimating how painful, touching, and traumatic these breakups are) but it’s another thing to go through a breakup with your confidant; your best friends, your pal (I’m not emphasizing “your” here, to highlight someone else’s ownership. This is done to highlight a unique understanding, support system, and soulmate connection). This is the person who spoke your language and finished your sentences; the person who was there for you and with you whenever the world closed you down or let you down.
There’s also this extra level of awkwardness because you’ve approached their family and friends. And what about all your mutual friends?
For me personally, breakups with toxic friends have been just as, if not more, difficult to navigate than breakups with toxic romantic partners and even family.
Breaking up with toxic friends can be more painful than breaking up with toxic family members and romantic partners.
How?
Your friends are the family that you have chosen for yourself.
We grew up believing that no matter what, our family would be there. “Blood is thicker than water.”Romantic partners will come and go, but at the end of the day, you will always have your family.”Such sayings are asked about a lot.
We don’t get an opinion on choosing our biological family, but we do get an opinion on choosing a family of our own. A good friendship feels like a product of your survival, the fruit of your emotional labor, the purpose of your past pain.
And now, it’s over. It doesn’t matter how toxic friendship has become. The actual person you would go to when feeling the emotions triggered by this breakup is now gone.
And you’re left feeling strangely spiteful and competitive (am I alone here?), Sadness, and “meanness” to finally get to the point where you had to act on your line being crossed. Or, you might feel trapped in the quagmire of being a victim of their bullshit; realizing that you were more of a personal doormat, cheerleader, and armchair psychologist than you were in a mutual friendship.
What is a toxic boyfriend?
My definition of a toxic friend is no different from my definition of a toxic person:
“Anyone gets verified by exploiting your hunger for their hunger.”
Here are some common features of toxic friends:
Toxic friends tend to be great when you’re down and out. When you are on the rise and higher and this is an important time for you in your life, you will find yourself consoling them or wondering what you did to upset them (when deep down you know that you did nothing wrong at all).
Aggressive can be very passive and mostly from total users. They will throw you a few crumbs here and there just to make sure that there will be no pauses in the delivery of the loaves that you constantly provide.
She can also be very controlling. If their life doesn’t progress, your life won’t progress either! (They’ll make sure of that).
When you kindly communicate that you are injured or have a problem with something they have done…
Toxic friends will try to make you feel stupid, immature, and bad for wanting to talk more respectfully to get clarity (so that the friendship lasts). They will make you feel unable to” move on “and” let things go ” when you are, how the hell can you move on without talking about it?
If I knew that I had hurt someone, whether I felt that they had the “right” to be hurt or not, I would be interested in being hurt. I would like to tell them that I am open to talking, answering their questions, and going on whatever they need, but as many times as they need, until clarity is reached. That’s what you do when you care. You don’t hurt someone, blame your behavior on him (or another source), and then make him feel bad for not being able to “move on” when he has a human reaction to a hurtful and confusing set of circumstances.
The bottom line, your intuition knows when it is in the presence of toxicity.
You are not giving yourself enough credit here. You are intuitive, strong, and incredibly smart. You have value. Do not allow your intelligence to be offended anymore (by toxic friends and through your fears and fears).
If you’re dealing with a friend you don’t think is toxic (or you’re on the fence), always communicate how you feel; give them a chance to explain themselves. This may create an opportunity to get closer by understanding each other more.
But for toxic friends who have constantly proved that they are not able to admit anything outside of their righteousness and selfishness…
Explaining anything to them is a waste of time.
Please do not use the above as the ” end of everything.”Holes can be drilled in anything and lists can always be added to them. I predict that my blog posts are the ” holy grail “that will obscure the one thing I have dedicated my life to amplify: you listen to, honor, and work on your intuition – don’t rely on me and me, just so I can earn” converts, “disciples, ” and make a quick buck.
I’m here to empower others-not just to annoy them so I can empower myself by making people depend on me. This is the job of toxic friends, family, lovers, toxic people in general-not me.
You have some sympathy for these types. They will never know what it’s like to get off the hamster wheel from having to always find bandages to overcome the cancer of their inferiority complex.
Toxic friends are prisoners of shortcomings that they have no problem denying. They always end up proving through their actions that they are more interested in protecting their ego than being wrong (and they develop as a result of self-reflection, empathy, and communication).
Always listen to your intuition. Pay close attention to how you constantly feel about certain friends.
In life, some people will use the dependence that they call you as a way to feel better about themselves.
And then, there are people like you who get hurt by these people. And although you are infallible (so are all of them), look at you you are still looking for ways to improve yourself, while at the same time blaming yourself for the behavior of an adult adult!
You don’t have to do this anymore.
There are many good people in this world who, just like you, can thrive and develop due to the application of lessons learned amid heartbreak. People who can fully appreciate and appreciate others because they appreciate and appreciate everything they have done to fight for unconditional self-love that no one can take away.
You are looking for emotional freedom but you don’t realize that you are already free.
You are not defined by your relationships. How you know yourself is what attracts the relationships you have. This is what sets the bar for everything you tolerate.
I know this friendship made you feel worthless but the way you were treated is not about you. It is a reflection of how this “friend” feels about himself.
Do all toxic friends have the same characteristics? What are the signs of a toxic friendship?
Not all toxic friends have the same characteristics. The first sign of a toxic friendship is that the relationship is obvious, and one-sided.
Probably, the toxic friendship that you are trying to part with did not start toxic. Sometimes, people are unhappy. Or, they go through trauma and the absolute worst emerges in them (ask me how I know; I’ve had this person). And while we can all empathize, if you continue to outsource your empathy to the point that it detracts from your quality of life, that’s not empathy.
This is self-abuse.
I used to have a very close friend who ended up not being good for my mental health. This person brought me down more than ever uplifting me.
Many times, I found out that they told others very special things that I shared with them with confidence.
I am a very private person and I value loyalty. Because of this, I am a very loyal and respectful person when it comes to the privacy of others. When someone is unfaithful to me and disrespectful of my privacy, it’s the worst thing they can do because once I realize what happened, I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
This friend used to criticize me lot-which did nothing but fill my self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not enough” and “something must be wrong with me otherwise they respect me and my limits.”
As a result, I was ready to rationalize the senseless, defend the indefensible, and excuse the unforgivable.
Toxic friends will allow and encourage you to own their behavior. What they do is always in response to something you did/didn’t do.
I cared about this friend though. We had a date and nothing ever seemed “bad enough” to throw all those years down the drain. I loved them and I didn’t want to find out what life was like without them in them.
Whenever I try to talk to them about how I felt, they admit what they did wrong (if they feel that they are in actual danger of losing me) and do not want to discuss anything more. Or, she wants to get angry and defensive.
In the end, I couldn’t continue. My head and heart were hitting the limit.
For a whole year after this toxic friendship breakup, I would feel like I was taking a bullet every time a mutual friend brought up their name. I was going back to thinking that I was being too harsh. I will punish myself for days on end.
For a long time, I felt rancor. I was jealous, angry, bitter. I imagined how great of a place I would be in my own life when this person would beg for my forgiveness. I thought about all the things I would say when I saw them again; how I was really ” sticking it out.”
Unfortunately, this toxic (but very common) mentality kept me for a while. But I was running on fumes.
And in the process, I realized two very important things:
How to deal with toxic friends
As long as the relationship you have with yourself is toxic, you will attract and tolerate toxic friendships.
What got me out of rumination; switching between wanting revenge and blaming myself, and understanding that both me and my friend were in pain and suffering. I realized how unhappy this person was with himself for treating me the way they did – and how unhappy I had to be with myself to put up with it and continue to give at the expense of my identity.Today, I feel relief, peace, and indifference when I think about my ex-boyfriend because I left.
I stopped wanting to be heard, be right, and ” win.”
I stopped with one bidding.
I realized that the actual “win” is the non-toxic friendship that I now have with myself as a result of identifying (and moving away from) the toxic friendship that I had with them.
Negativity, inconsistency, and toxicity are just as contagious as the virus we are currently, taking every precaution to protect ourselves from it.
The best way to deal with toxic friends is to stop. Stop trying to educate them, enlighten them, parent, and exonerate them to become the friends they deserve. Be a friend to yourself that you really deserve and the actions of toxic friends, of course, will still hurt, but you will be able to let them own their behavior.
Your peace will be restored only when you choose to prioritize it.
Always be merciful and kind. Communicate once how you feel. And if they don’t Meet You Halfway, it’s okay to forgive them and let go of what is no longer (or maybe, what was never).
How to leave a toxic friend
Understand that you cannot fix this for them. No amount of giving, caring, or listening will be able to repair the relationship someone has with themselves. Only they can do that.
I eventually chose to move on from my friendship with this person years ago. I’ve used the pain I’ve felt to launch myself into a life I’m very proud of, and I’m deliberating about keeping myself clean (non-toxic). With friends whose happiness is my own and mine for them.
Friends who understand that I am far from perfect and contact me if I hurt them or there is a misunderstanding.
Friends who don’t count cards; who want the best for me and crave reciprocity more than the hype monster.
The best way to let go of a toxic friend is to forgive. Forgiveness is a modified boundary rooted in acceptance. It’s about accepting who someone has revealed themselves to be-not sticking to a hologram of who they are, just so you don’t have to act on boundaries that they keep messing up.
You don’t have to keep trying hard. I spent the first twenty-four years of my life bending over backward to get people to notice me, like me, and include me.
Trust me when I say, you’re enough. You don’t need to be anyone other than who you are.
Some people will get out of your life and it will hurt but it’s okay. You don’t need to convince them to stay.
As my friend Laurel reminded the reader in the comments:
“Fill your life with things that make you happy. Go to the places you like. Spend time only with people who make you feel good. Never ignore your gut if he tells you that something has stopped and never apologize for how you feel about people or situations.
We learn to tolerate and accept a lot of dysfunction. Especially if we grew up in unhealthy dynamics.
Listen to your gut and follow your intuition. Trust yourself. It’s hard to do this when you grow up unable to trust others, but you can trust yourself.
Do something nice for yourself every day. Something small, like buying flowers for yourself, or a latte on the way to work. Or wear the outfit you like, play sports, or watch your favorite shows cuddled. The more self–love you show yourself, the more comfortable you will be in your skin, and you will not accept things that make you feel bad about yourself-especially from others. Do not accept bad behavior from others. Rudeness, letting you down, not being there for you, just wanting you for a favor and never putting any real effort in.
When you start to gain strength in this, you will amaze yourself with who falls out of your life, and new types of people you will attract. But you deserve the best and you can have it all! You just have to believe it.”
If you are feeling lonely or having a hard time moving on from a toxic friendship, please comment below. Not only will it help others, who are too shy to comment, feel less alone but it may make a lifelong friend
