The worst thing about having toxic friends is that they end up negatively affecting your life, happiness, and emotional health. But what does an unhealthy friendship look like? What are the symptoms of a classic toxic friendship? Let’s find out some of the signs of a toxic friendship to look out for before it’s too late!
If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, emotionally unavailable, or otherwise troubled person, you’d benefit from learning more about the red flags that toxic people show in romantic relationships.
You’ve used these red flags to protect yourself and recognize abusive behavior the next time you see it.
However, what we often forget to focus on are the red flags of toxic friends—the people we should have mutually beneficial relationships with, the people who are supposed to support us and provide a validating environment, yet fail to meet our needs even though we’ve I met them again and again.
It is important to cultivate and pursue only healthy friendships as well as healthy relationships because overall healthy personal habits lead to a strong, viable, and reliable support system during hardship.
Note: Sometimes the pronoun “she” is used to represent a friend, but this article is not intended to be gender specific and can refer to male or female friends.
What Is A Toxic Friendship Like? 10 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship
- They are not happy with your accomplishments.
When you mention your success, your friend’s face automatically gets messy. She may look like she ate an entire lemon as she struggles to say congratulations. Or you receive a completely blank facial expression and no response at all, just a stare.
She may even try to “distinguish you” by quickly mentioning her accomplishments before she finishes your sentence.
This is the kind of friend who is never happy with anything she does and secretly hopes she fails so she doesn’t have to feel bad about her life.
This is toxic because true friends celebrate each other’s accomplishments, and even if there is any jealousy involved, they will put it aside to congratulate their friends.
Instead of feeling hopeless about their friends’ accomplishments, true friends will be secure in their accomplishments, and thus feel celebrated, inspired, and motivated to improve themselves when they hear about others’ accomplishments.
- They put you in the dark.
If you’re happy and cheerful for any reason, toxic friends find ways to rain down on your procession by introducing little storms and storms of revulsion, belittlement, and insult.
These comments are often disguised as “helpful” or “honest” comments that have no value whatsoever except to reduce your sense of pride in yourself.
Saying things like, “Oh, anyone could have done that,” when you mention something you accomplished, or “That’s not a real major” when you mention your academic focus.
They also seem sadistically happy when you fail or when you are going through a hard time. This is a sign that something is seriously wrong with them.
Real friends don’t try to criticize or put people down just for the fun of making someone look small. Only lower people do this to raise themselves.
If you can’t be your greatest self and be around your friends without constantly putting them down, then they won’t be your true friends. They are malicious bullies and narcissists. Get it straight and feel the difference.
- It drains you emotionally.
Have you had this experience before? You’re on the phone with a friend. You ask your friend how she’s doing, and you find yourself being “talked to” for hours on end instead of “talked to” — and it just seems to happen all the time.
When you finally get your chance to talk, your friend suddenly needs to put down the phone because now he’s so tired of all the “talking.”
Sure, we all have to vent sometimes and talk about ourselves. Some situations call for this type of behavior, such as a breakup, loss of family, or any other traumatic event.
However, if this happens often and you rarely get the chance to have a back-and-forth conversation with someone, then you are acting like a listener to a one-on-one dialogue rather than a friend. You also deserve to be listened to and you deserve to talk about any problems in your life.
Don’t let these toxic friends convince you otherwise. Stand up for yourself and tell them this is a problem. If they continue to do this despite you creating those boundaries, it’s time to let go of the friendship altogether.
These toxic friends drain you and your ability to engage in self-care because they are emotional vampires who only focus on their own lives, wants, and needs. You do not exist, or if you do, you exist only about them.
For example, if a friend hears your hurtful story and uses it to constantly bring the conversation back into her life, that’s a red flag of narcissism, so be wary.
Real friends will listen to your story and make sure you give helpful feedback before you bring the conversation back to them. Stay away from people with whom you don’t feel there is an equal, mutual exchange of conversation, validation, empathy, and respect.
- They are there for your good times, never for your bad times.
You mentioned in #1 that you should stay away from people who don’t celebrate your accomplishments. One caveat, though: watch out for toxic friends who are only there for your success.
These friends only appear when you are feeling really good, and rarely when you need them during hardship. They use your presence to associate themselves with you, with the sole purpose of appearing more significant by belonging to your success.
Or they just enjoy being around you when you’re in a good mood and they need you. Otherwise, when you have a health scare or a loved one has an accident, they are nowhere to be found.
True friends help each other through tough times and are there for each other even when times are tough.
Related: What Narcissists Think And What They Say
- Not emotionally responsive, validating, or helpful.
What’s the point of having friends if they can’t even respond to your feelings?
If you find yourself dealing with a friend with whom you can have great intellectual conversations, but only hear crickets when you tell them you had a bad day or you just broke up, this friendship is a no-go.
Feel free to keep these types of people on LinkedIn, but not for your real-life crises.
At most, they are a professional or academic connection because all they can do is talk about things that concern the mind but not the heart. Sure, some situations lead to a loss for words, but friends should be able to provide basic emotional support, even if it’s a hug and the words, “I’m here for you.”
If your boyfriend happens to be extremely emotionally invalid, constantly telling you to “get over it” or getting mad at you for expressing your feelings, leave him forever, and don’t give him access to your life in any way.
They don’t deserve to be your friend. True friends validate each other’s feelings while continuing to foster each other’s personal growth.
- They don’t stand up for you.
When an outside friend or mutual friend makes a nasty or insulting comment about you or does something hostile or horrific to you in front of these toxic friends, you rarely see those toxic friends jumping to the rescue.
They don’t stand up for you even if only they could. They don’t support you when you need it most.
True friends come to each other’s aid; They don’t have to “take sides” to point out wrongdoing and consider your feelings.
Also, when did we become resistant to “choosing sides”? Why don’t friends stand up for victims or call out inappropriate behavior when they see it?
These toxic friends will likely remain silent or even engage in belittling behavior on your behalf. That’s when you know it’s time to stop making excuses and stop standing up for people who won’t stand up for you.
Related: What Is Relationship Anxiety? Signs, Causes, & How To Overcome
- Their ego is greater than their attachment to you and they try to overshadow your light.
These types of friends are extremely narcissistic and jealous and will do whatever it takes to maintain an illusion of greatness.
For example, they may refuse to compliment you when you’re all dressed up but compliment someone next to you who’s wearing a T-shirt and sweats.
They may put pictures of themselves on social media with other friends, but avoid putting pictures of you and them together because they think you are superior to them in some way. Or they may hide or belittle your accomplishments to others while bragging about theirs.
These are superficial friends who can’t stand someone superior to them or prettier than they are. True friends appreciate each other’s unique beauty, intelligence, and charisma. They are not trying to hide your light in the dark just because of their place in the shadows.
- They only communicate through a screen.
For this, I only refer to “offline” friends that I have met face-to-face. I know there are many friendships online that are built through supportive forums and I don’t mean to belittle them.
However, for friendships that have developed face-to-face and for friends who live within a reasonable distance of each other, there is no reason why both parties to a friendship should make an effort to see each other in real life occasionally.
You know, step away from Messenger and Facebook once in a while to do face-to-face contact when possible. Be very wary of any friends who don’t have time to see you, but seem to be taking all the time in the world to catch up with their new boyfriend or girlfriend 24/7.
These are not your real friends. These are buddies who are constantly talking to you through a screen, and electronic communication is often an evasion from emotionally unavailable people. If these friends are also draining you emotionally, then they have no place in your real life or even on your message list.
You may also be involved with the Wall, although the Wall is likely to be more sympathetic and not hurt your feelings.
Think of it this way: You’re wasting your energy on these toxic people by constantly communicating with them online because they won’t give you their offline presence.
They’ve shown you they don’t have time for a simple meet-and-greet by taking a step outside, so why would you hurt your eyes or crunch your fingers for them?
True friends make an effort to meet in person; Emotional vampires, like real vampires, cannot stand daylight and prefer the light of a computer screen.
- Too busy for everything and anything.
Regarding the number 8, if your friend is always too busy to see you or make any kind of contact, especially in the midst of a crisis, run away and don’t walk away from the friendship. Yes, people have jobs, lives, and relationships to deal with. No one can always be there for you every time you need it.
This is all well and amazing, but if a friend rarely follows up on what you’re doing when you need him to and constantly plays this “too busy” game, that friend needs to slam the door in his face the next time he comes around looking for any attention.
Also, thankfully for advances in technology, social media has made it very easy to assess whether those friends are really “busy” or bullshit.
- Betrayal, breaking boundaries, and disrespect.
I saved this for last but it’s the most important. If your boyfriend disrespects you by being insecure, multiple cancels, stalking or flirting, calling you names, swearing at you, bullying you, forcing you, or making you cry through a really tough time by being insensitive, or pressuring you . do something, gossip about you, or treat you with anything less than respect or consideration.
It’s time to get your awesome self out the door. There will be many people in the world who will not make you feel that way, so why not save your energy and invest in something that will have a positive return?
Life is too short to waste our energy on toxic people, whether they are friends or romantic partners. Learn to recognize these signs and you will pave a better path to a healthier life, a better support system, and more meaningful and authentic relationships.
Related: Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship? Stages of Codependency and What To Do
Once you experience a true friendship with love, care, compassion, and respect, I guarantee you will never want to go back to one with the absence of these qualities.
Are you interested in learning more about narcissistic abuse? Pre-order my new book on narcissistic abuse, Becoming a Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Dismiss a Narcissist While Providing for Yourself. Also be sure to check out my first book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care.
