Narcissists often leave a trail of emotional destruction in their relationships, and their interactions with exes are no exception. When the romantic relationship ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean the narcissist will let go easily or peacefully. In fact, narcissists often display specific patterns of behavior with their exes that are deeply manipulative, harmful, and self-serving. Understanding these patterns can help protect you from the emotional damage they may try to inflict even after the relationship is over.
Here are the top three narcissistic patterns when it comes to their exes:
1. Hoovering: The Narcissist’s Attempt to Pull You Back In
One of the most common patterns narcissists exhibit with exes is hoovering, named after the vacuum cleaner brand because of their attempts to “suck” you back into their web of control. After a breakup, many narcissists will go to great lengths to re-establish contact and reignite the relationship, even if they were the ones who ended it. They often do this through manipulation, false promises, or appealing to your emotions.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
To regain control: The end of a relationship means a loss of control for the narcissist, which is something they cannot tolerate. By hoovering, they aim to reassert their dominance over your emotions and life.
Supply: Narcissists thrive on narcissistic supply, which refers to the attention, admiration, and emotional energy they extract from others. Exes are often seen as an easy source of supply because they already know how to manipulate you.
Revenge: If you initiated the breakup, the narcissist might feel rejected, which triggers their need for revenge. Hoovering can be their way of getting back at you by pulling you in just to reject or hurt you again later.
Common Hoovering Tactics:
Love-bombing: They might shower you with affection, gifts, and apologies, trying to convince you that they’ve changed.
Playing the victim: Narcissists may pretend they are going through a difficult time to invoke your sympathy, hoping you’ll feel obligated to help or support them.
Fake emergencies: Creating false crises or claiming they need your help in an emergency is another common hoovering tactic, designed to make you feel responsible for them.
2. Smear Campaign: The Narcissist’s Way of Damaging Your Reputation
Another key pattern narcissists exhibit with exes is launching a smear campaign. This involves spreading lies, rumors, or twisted truths about you to mutual friends, family, and even online. Narcissists do this to tarnish your reputation, gain sympathy, and present themselves as the “victim” in the relationship. This pattern often starts immediately after the breakup or even before the relationship ends, as they begin laying the groundwork for their narrative.
Why Narcissists Launch Smear Campaigns:
To protect their image: Narcissists are obsessed with how others perceive them. A breakup threatens their image, especially if they fear you might expose their abusive behavior. By painting you as the villain, they can continue to appear blameless in the eyes of others.
Related : What Is A Narcissistic Supply? 10 Warning Signs You’re One
To isolate you: By turning mutual acquaintances against you, the narcissist aims to leave you without a support system. This isolation makes it easier for them to continue manipulating or hurting you without interference.
To maintain control: A smear campaign is another tool narcissists use to stay in control of the narrative and the emotional fallout from the breakup. If you’re busy defending yourself against lies and accusations, you’re less likely to move on or expose their true nature.
Common Smear Campaign Tactics:
Spreading false accusations: Narcissists might accuse you of being abusive, manipulative, or unstable, flipping the script to make themselves look like the victim.
Distorting the truth: They often take small truths and distort them into something unrecognizable. For instance, if you were upset during an argument, they might tell others you were “hysterical” or “out of control.”
Recruiting flying monkeys: Narcissists often enlist mutual friends or acquaintances to spread their lies and reinforce their version of events. These “flying monkeys” act on the narcissist’s behalf, often unknowingly.
3. Triangulation: The Narcissist’s Game of Emotional Manipulation
Triangulation is another destructive pattern narcissists commonly use with exes. This involves bringing a third person into the dynamic to create jealousy, competition, or insecurity. In the context of exes, narcissists often use new partners or mutual acquaintances to create tension and manipulate emotions. Even after the relationship ends, they might flaunt their new partner in front of you or compare you unfavorably to their current significant other.
Why Narcissists Use Triangulation:
To keep you hooked: By making you jealous or insecure about their new partner, the narcissist ensures that you remain emotionally attached to them. They thrive on knowing they can still control your feelings even after the relationship is over.
To create competition: Narcissists love to feel desired and important. By making you and their new partner feel like you’re competing for their attention or approval, they boost their own ego.
Related : How To Spot A Narcissist On The First Date: 10 Tips
To destabilize you: Triangulation keeps you emotionally off-balance. If you feel jealous, hurt, or insecure, you’re less likely to move on from the narcissist and more likely to stay engaged in their manipulative games.
Common Triangulation Tactics:
Flaunting their new partner: Narcissists may go out of their way to ensure you see how “happy” they are with their new partner, hoping to make you feel jealous or inadequate.
Comparing you to others: They might make subtle or direct comparisons between you and their new partner, designed to make you feel like you weren’t good enough.
Creating fake love triangles: Even if there isn’t another person involved, narcissists may hint at other romantic interests or pretend that someone else is vying for their attention to make you feel insecure.
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex, understanding these patterns is crucial for protecting yourself from further emotional harm. Narcissists don’t stop their manipulation just because the relationship ends—they often continue their toxic behavior long after the breakup, using hoovering, smear campaigns, and triangulation to keep you under their control.
The best way to protect yourself is to establish firm boundaries, go no-contact if possible, and surround yourself with a strong support system that understands narcissistic behavior. Document any manipulative actions and avoid getting pulled back into their web of lies and emotional games.
Moving on from a narcissist is hard, but recognizing these patterns can help you heal and break free from their toxic influence once and for all.
