To My Toxic Half, This is My Final Bow and Last Goodbye

“Turns out you’re exactly who they said you were. I didn’t pretend to be someone else. And it was me who was hurting… I know this guy is somewhere deep down inside you, but I can’t wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought. Useless and disappointing.” “. – Cinderella story

It breaks me to say my last goodbye to you, my toxic half. In fact, I wanted with every part of my being to make it. I wanted the words you said not to be lies. I wanted to prove that your reputation wasn’t what everyone said it was. I wanted everyone to miss you.

And maybe one day they will be. Maybe you gave up too soon. Maybe one day you’ll be the guy you pretended to be all this time. In fact, I know you will be, someday. So maybe that’s why I stuck around for so long.

But I want you to know that I forgive you for all of that.

But even though I forgive you, I can’t just sit here and wait for you to become the person you need. The cost is self-destruction in the process. The cost is that you hurt me to get there.

I can’t just sit here and wait for the respect I deserve all the time. I can’t just sit here and wait to be loved when I give my best. I can’t sit here playing a game. It’s like Jumanji. Either something kills me along the way, or I finish.

I have nothing in me to finish. And honestly, I think I’m now half alive because of you. Because you chew and spit out all that I am. And I’m not the same person I was before I fell in love with you. I didn’t know to fall in love with you meant falling to the floor so much, only to get kicked every time I got on my knees.

I forgive you for your past mistakes. I forgive you for the person you were. I know you may not be him anymore or you may be on the path to bettering yourself. But that same toxic person blackened everything in his path, including me.

I did not deserve to be used. I didn’t deserve to be spoken to the way you did. I did not deserve the quarrels, screams and tears. While I didn’t deserve these things, I did put up with them. I put up with it and over time it felt like the norm. This is Ali.

I appreciated the good days we had because I was so glad it wasn’t a bad day.

You kept me on edge though. You made me walk on eggshells. I was staring at a phone with bubbles that lasted for minutes, only to disappear and it didn’t say anything. It was like you knew I was staring at him, just waiting. Then I’ll say something and you’ll ignore me… because I was uncomfortable with you.

Do you know what was uncomfortable for me? Waking up every night at 2am in a cold sweat wondering what I’m doing with this relationship. But it’s not even really defined as a relationship. One day you loved me, another day you hated me. One day we were “just friends” and the next you were laughing at me saying we could never be just friends and I know that. You were not a friend, but you are definitely an enemy. Every sign and every friend of mine told me to let you go.

Do you know what it’s like to look at someone you love, with all your heart and believe in them despite everyone’s doubts?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be away from the person you love the most in this world?

You don’t, because you didn’t love me.

But mark my word one day you will.

You will learn to love me in my absence. This is the worst kind of love.

Love is not pain. I know too much to be true. Even at your worst, I never wanted to hurt you. If anyone deserves the pain, it might be you. But I never wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me.

Nor do I think you saw the full effect of what you did to me.

I knew you were to blame. But you will laugh when I say these things. You’ve been running off other people’s names in the past, telling me the only reason I’m hurt is because of them. It was as if you were justifying your mistreatment because others had treated me badly before.

You should have been the one to prove to me, that I didn’t deserve it. Then I said it was my fault. Others may have damaged me before you, but they never broke me the way you did. They never changed me the way you did. I beat them, but I couldn’t beat you.

I have become so numb to you. I thought that was normal.

I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive the person that I was because I know that one day you won’t be. But the one you burned many people. And you burned the person who loved you the most. I loved the attention. You loved knowing someone loved you when you couldn’t love yourself.

I want you to know, that even though you may have walked away from your past, the past you’re running from has a way of creeping up on you. You think you’ve hidden every skeleton in your closet, but eventually, the past will come back to haunt you. It will spoil you the way you ruined me.

So run, my dear. Run as fast as you can. When you go far enough, the ghost that will haunt you the most, when you look back you will regret it.

Remember, it’s a lonely path to the top when all you did was step on people like me to get there.

You kept pushing me over and over asking if I hate you yet… I guess I do.

Trending now