Have you ever loved someone so much that you thought you didn’t love someone that much?

This is exactly what I experienced with a narcissistic partner.
When I ended the relationship, I wasn’t the same as before. The whole world was grey. Love and happiness are no longer what I believe in.

I was overwhelmed with sadness, loneliness and depression. I must have had a hard time controlling my life. Of course, I spent several weeks crying.

The grief and pain took so long to heal that at some point I started to think it would be impossible for me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I also thought I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to love again. For me, love was as far from my thoughts as the stars on Earth.

But at first, it wasn’t all bleak.

I was a happy person who loved to live his life. I was always smiling and always saw the positive side in any negative problem I faced, and for the things that went well for me, I was always grateful.

But it all ended suddenly when I met this narcissistic partner. My comfortable, balanced feelings became a wreckage of anxiety and depression. I used to always go to bed hoping to wake up happy, but that’s not the case anymore. I went to bed exhausted and sad, and then dreaded the thought of a new day. I was nothing more than a shadow of myself.

At first, I felt ashamed to allow myself to be used and abused. I spent long nights and weeks blaming myself for being so stupid. It was different to know that he was a narcissist and couldn’t change it, but it was different to know that and allow him to torture me again. I had sleepless nights for weeks.

I trusted him

I trusted him without a doubt. Sometimes I saw all the social signs that he was someone I could trust. He was gentle with his tricks. But towers are towers, and no matter how good they are, they don’t last. So I trusted him completely when he made promises to me, but they were never kept. Instead, he broke my heart over and over again.

I felt safe

At first I was surprised by his level of commitment to the relationship. He was always there for me when needed and even went above and beyond to make sure everything was okay for me. I felt completely safe but then that gradually changed. But I didn’t know I was falling into a trap. This was what he wanted all this time. He wanted me to trust him enough to let my guard down. This narcissistic partner then went into attack mode. With all my defenses on the ground, so he could attack me knowing I was defenseless and weak at this point.

I loved it

Yes, I loved him with all my heart and paid a heavy price. I ignored one of the rare warning signs that popped up on our first date. In fact, at some point, I found out that before I met him, he had cut off a lot of relationships. Instead, I loved him with all my being. But that was a mistake, because he didn’t know what love was. But I stayed with him hoping that one day he would change. In fact, he made me think he really wanted to change. But the truth is that narcissists cannot be taught to love.

With this narcissistic partner, I found myself trapped in my love
I was stuck in my complete obsession with her love. I believed in love. I have always had a positive view of humanity and also believed in the existence of a soul mate. When I met him, I knew I had my other half, my soul mate. So when all these questions started popping up in my relationship, I stayed with him. I thought everything would be fine and I had to do my best. But in the end, I had to accept the fact that I made the wrong decision to be with a narcissistic partner.

I lost myself

Over time, I became a shadow of myself. A strong, happy and confident woman slowly turns into a weak, depressed and anxious woman. I saw only negativity. I soon began to believe everything he said and implied. I started to believe that I was worthless and that I didn’t deserve love and affection.

But I found myself

I’ve been through the worst things for someone who didn’t even love me. However, I have grown to make the relationship work. But all the changes and improvements were one sided and this narcissistic partner was telling me I wasn’t good enough for him. I gave everything I had, and more. It is an exaggeration to say that the relationship was bad. But you can draw wisdom from the worst circumstances that come your way. If you choose to find in this a lesson of wisdom in life, you will emerge from this crisis to become a stronger, wiser, and better human being.

But since I never stopped trying to find my identity, he didn’t continue to torture me psychologically.

I struggled to find my identity

Second by second, minute by minute, I worked step by step. I was determined to get out of the rubble that was my life and my person before the storm. I started to rebuild my life. I have rebuilt my self-confidence and become a much better person than I was before I was in this relationship.

Over time and a conscious effort to become better, I realized I had to tell a terrible lie. He didn’t deserve all the love I had for him.