the main points
Narcissists can be charming when you first meet them.
They are very interested in letting you know how important they are.
No matter how giving we are, narcissists leave us feeling used and abused.
Narcissism is a personality trait that arises for a number of reasons, including being a defense mechanism to combat low self-esteem. It is also a diagnosable personality disorder characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, a pattern of exploitative behavior, and a delusional sense of status. With either definition, narcissists display an unwillingness or inability to empathize with the feelings of others.
Narcissism, whether it’s a personality trait or a personality disorder type, is not a lot of fun to have around. However, narcissists can be attractive when you first meet them. In a dating environment, whether online or in the real world, they can initially knock your socks off, and if you don’t know what to look for, you can easily find yourself in a relationship with someone (and wishing you weren’t). This is especially true for online dating, where it is easy for people to hide or downplay their character flaws.
A small amount of narcissism isn’t a bad thing. In fact, without some healthy self-esteem, most of us would have trouble crawling out of bed most mornings. We need to believe that we are worthwhile and that we have something to offer others and the world at large. This belief is doubly needed as we enter the world of dating. When looking for a mate (or even a casual relationship), we need enough self-esteem to be willing to take some reasonable risks, like asking someone out and then being honest about who we are and what we want in life. relationship.
However, there is a difference between healthy self-esteem and narcissistic behaviors. To begin with, most of us, as we move around the world, find a healthy self-esteem attractive in the short and long term, whereas narcissism can make a person seem attractive at first but turn into a nightmare in the future. At first, narcissists can seem as cool as they claim to be, but after we experience their constant neediness, manipulation, and lack of empathy, their charm fades.
The fact of the matter is, none of us want to be in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. No matter how giving we are, narcissists leave us feeling used and abused. However, narcissists have a way of seducing us and then trapping us and keeping us trapped (and miserable). Realizing this, our best defense is to identify narcissistic behaviors early, so we can walk away from these relationships before we become fully enmeshed in them.
This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some clear signs you can usually spot early in a relationship, even when your initial interactions with someone are limited to the online world. These include:
They are very interested in letting you know how important they are. They constantly talk about their success, wealth, strength, physical appearance, and intelligence. They may also drop names, not to tell you how great their friends are, but to tell you how much they deserve great friends.
They constantly act as if they are entitled to what they want, when they want it, and you should feel proud that they are asking you to provide it. If you are dating online, they will dictate terms, such as when to chat, what photos you should send, and more. If you are going to meet in person, they will expect you to come to them. Sure, they might send a limo or plane to come pick you up, but they probably won’t be in it when it arrives. Travel time is your responsibility, not theirs.
They may shower you with expensive (albeit relatively generic) gifts, but always with strings attached. Basically, they believe that if they spend money on you, you should express your admiration and profuse thanks and that you also owe them sexual and personal loyalty. If/when you have sex with them, they will expect great praise for their performance – even if the sex is awful – and they will get angry or frown if you don’t give them that validation.
They may express jealousy if they think you’re not paying enough attention to them, or accuse you of seeing other people or caring too much about your family and friends. At the same time, they believe that you should never be upset about how they choose to spend their time or who they choose to spend time with — because, of course, their needs and wants are far more important than yours.
Yes, when you first meet them, narcissists can often seem attractive, but that is only because they are trying to woo you. They’re like the proverbial used-car salesman: anything to close the deal. They will flatter you, seduce you, and do everything they can to make you feel special. But that’s just to get what they want. What they want is your constant devotion to them and their flattery.
Even when the narcissist is charming, it’s not about you. It is about them and what they want to take from you. So, if you meet someone new and find yourself feeling as though your primary role in the relationship is to constantly and endlessly boost the other person’s ego, chances are you are associated with a narcissist. If this is the case, my advice is to cut things off as soon as possible, as narcissistic behaviors gain momentum over time.
