Narcissism seems to be rampant in our society these days, with many harmful consequences for relationships. The Oxford Dictionary defines narcissism as “selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characteristics of a type of personality.” The Mayo Clinic Research Group states that “those with narcissistic personality disorder believe themselves to be superior to others and care little about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Because the self-esteem and identity of chronic narcissists are often highly self-centered (based on false superiority, arrogant vanity, superficial status, perceived privilege, arrogant entitlement, blatant materialism, etc.), many are extremely sensitive to real or perceived signs of inattention, insults, disdain, or unfavorable comparisons, which they interpret as a direct threat to their self-esteem.
It is important to note that many highly sensitive people are not narcissists. Highly sensitive people are often conscientious, empathetic, and excellent listeners, the antithesis of narcissism. What distinguishes a highly sensitive narcissist is their unique combination of self-obsessed vanity, a hunger for approval from others, and extreme negativity when they feel slighted or ignored, whether real or imagined, even over trivial matters.
Here are three common signs of highly sensitive narcissism, with references from my books How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide to Changing Your Higher Self. While some people may exhibit one of these traits occasionally, which may not be a major problem, a chronically highly sensitive narcissist will exhibit a pattern of these character flaws on a recurring basis.
One of the most obvious signs of highly sensitive narcissism is their negative reaction to reasonable criticism. Most mature adults are able to accept criticism gracefully, evaluate its validity, and accept legitimate, constructive feedback as a valuable learning tool. But highly sensitive narcissists tend to respond negatively, harshly, and disproportionately to criticism—even if the feedback is diplomatic, reasonable, and constructive. They often take things personally, feel upset about “how dare they say/do this to me,” and have a hard time letting go of these feelings.
“How dare you talk to me like that in front of my son!” – Angry customer criticized for blatantly cutting in line
Two other common traits of a highly sensitive narcissist are narcissistic rumination (intense resentment and escalating hostility) and narcissistic rage (intense outbursts of anger). In both cases, the narcissist is extremely emotional and brooding about not getting what he or she wants (no matter how unreasonable it may be), or about real or perceived inattention. Highly sensitive narcissists often have difficulty coping when they realize that the world doesn’t always revolve around them, and that they won’t always get what they want.
“Whenever my husband feels like he or she isn’t being cared for, he or she makes everything difficult, while saying that nothing is wrong.” – Anonymous
“I hate it when you put your groceries on the checkout counter like that. ‘I told you before I hate it!'” – Mother to daughter at the supermarket
Other “triggers” for high narcissistic sensitivity may include situations in which:
The narcissist is told that there are more important things to consider than the narcissist’s selfish needs.
The narcissist is unable to satisfy his or her desire for immediate gratification, often in the form of demanding a quick response or favor from others.
The narcissist is asked to accept responsibility for breaking promises, not keeping them, ignoring rules, or violating others’ boundaries (i.e., through manipulation and coercion).
The narcissist feels rejected and “unworthy” because he or she is not being cared for.
The narcissist broods excessively over real or perceived slights.
The narcissist broods disproportionately when someone reasonably disagrees with his or her views, which the narcissist takes personally.
The narcissist feels he or she is not the center of attention, and/or feels intense jealousy that someone else is receiving recognition Praise and appreciation.
Again, many highly sensitive people are not narcissists. The highly sensitive narcissist operates from within a “shell” of false superiority, arrogance, and entitlement, which emotionally crumbles when the world reminds them that they will not always be worshiped on a pedestal.
Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is fully aware and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists who are no longer willing to play the charade at the expense of authentic relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from the facade and gradually move toward the higher self. For those who live or work with narcissists, keen awareness and assertive communication are essential to healthy, mutually respectful relationships. See references below.
