Narcissism seems to be rampant in our society these days, with many harmful consequences in relationships. The Oxford Dictionary defines narcissism as “selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and need for admiration, as characteristic of a personality type.” The Mayo Clinic Research Group states, “Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Because the chronic narcissist’s self-worth and identity are often highly self-centered (based on false superiority, arrogant vanity, superficial status, perceived privilege, smug entitlement, blatant materialism, etc.), many are extremely sensitive to real or perceived signs of inattention. Insults, disdain, or unfavorable comparisons, which they interpret as a direct threat to their self-esteem.
It is important to note that many highly sensitive people are not narcissists. Highly sensitive people are often attentive, empathetic, and excellent listeners, the antithesis of narcissism. What characterizes highly sensitive narcissists is their unique combination of self-conceit, hunger to appease others, and extreme passivity when they feel ignored or rejected, real or imagined, even in trivial matters.
Below are three common signs of high narcissistic susceptibility, with references from my books How to Deal with Narcissists Successfully and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards a Higher Self. While some people may exhibit one of these traits occasionally, which may not be a big deal, a chronically highly sensitive narcissist will display a pattern of these personality flaws on a recurring basis.
One of the most obvious signs of high narcissistic sensitivity is their negative reaction to reasonable criticism. Most mature adults are able to take criticism in stride, evaluate its validity, and accept legitimate and constructive feedback as a valuable learning tool. However, highly sensitive narcissists tend to respond negatively, intensely, and disproportionately to criticism—even if the feedback is given diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively. They often take things personally, wonder “how dare they say/do this to me,” and have difficulty letting go.
“How dare you talk to me like that in front of my son!” —Calling an angry customer for blatantly cutting in line
Two other common traits of highly sensitive narcissists are narcissistic brooding (venturing out resentment and escalating hostility), and narcissistic rage (extreme outbursts of rage). In both cases, the narcissist experiences significant agitation and rumination over not getting what he or she wants (no matter how unreasonable), or over real or perceived inattention. Highly sensitive narcissists often have difficulty coping when they know that the world does not always revolve around them, and that they will not always get their way.
Related : 10 Relationship Red Flags: Ignore Them At Your Own Risk
“When my husband feels uncared for, he makes everything difficult, while saying nothing is wrong.” -unknown
“I hate when you put groceries on the checkout counter like that. I told you before I hate it!” – Mother to daughter at the supermarket
Other “triggers” for high narcissistic sensitivity may include situations when:
The narcissist is told that there are matters of greater importance than the narcissist’s selfish needs.
The narcissist is unable to satisfy his desire for instant gratification, often in the form of demanding a quick response or favor from others.
The narcissist is asked to accept responsibility for breaking promises, not following through, ignoring rules, or violating others’ boundaries (i.e. through manipulation and coercion).
The narcissist feels rejected and not “special” because he is not cared for.
The narcissist thinks excessively about real or perceived slights.
The narcissist ruminates disproportionately when someone reasonably disagrees with his or her views, which the narcissist takes personally.
The narcissist feels like he or she is not the center of attention, and/or feels intense jealousy that someone else is receiving recognition, praise, and appreciation.
Again, many highly sensitive people are not narcissists. The highly sensitive narcissist operates from within a “shell” of false superiority, vanity, and entitlement, which emotionally collapses when the world reminds them that they will not always be worshiped on a pedestal.
Can a narcissist change for the better? maybe. But only if he or she is highly aware and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists who are no longer willing to play the charade at the expense of real relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from falsehood and gradually move toward a higher self. For those who live or work with narcissists, awareness and assertive communication are essential to establishing healthy relationships based on mutual respect. See references below.
